i HATE you!!!!!!

oh my gosh....today was totally a bad day for me...
i cant stop thinking about what happened this morning...
long time i din cry for damn long while i'm driving...
i think the last time i cry in that way is because of love bah...
but then this morning,i cry n cry...not because of love...
but is about my family member-my dad....
he never treat me in that way before...
he never behave in that way before...
he just like....totally different from last time...
he just like....lost control,already ki siao ...
damn it......shit it....$@#$$##$@$#@%$#^
i know i can't blame him because he also don't know what is his doing right now..
i know he needs help from us,but then...is hard for me to talk to him anymore..
because...i HATE him...i really really hate him from today onwards...
i don't know why-he will become that crazy!
i don't know when-will him stop everything that he is doing right now!
i don't know what-can make him back to normal!
i don't know who-can really stop him and talk to him anymore!
i don't know where-to go when i really feel like wanna slap him!
i don't know how....to make myself to love my dad again....
it's hurt when i look at him but i can't do anything..
it's hurt when i look at him but he don't know my heart is pain because of him..
it's hurt when i look at him but he can't really feel me...
it's bad when i said i hate him...
it's bad when i said i wanna slap him..
it's bad when i said i don't know how to love him anymore..
just imagine if everyday of your life, you need to live together with someone that crazy,mad,out of control,can scold you like hell then turn back sing a song to you like nothing happen....how long can you tahan..?
my answer is...i can't take it,i can't tahan anymore....
i really wish i can run away from here although i know it is impossible..
i really wish that i can fully use my love to hug him,and tell him that i really care about him...
but then...i really out of idea....i'm tired with everything...
i gonna be like him soon,gonna be crazy like him...
can anyone just pull me out from here...?
everyday when i woke up,the 1st thing that came accross my mind was...
can i choose to sleep for whole life so that i don't have to face him..?
then the 2nd thing ...
can i choose to stop my studies...?i started to feel lost....confuse...scared..
i don't know what i want,i don't know am i doing the right thing?
i can't really concentrate with my assignments...
then the 3rd thing...
can i just pretend like everthing is fine?
i can't...my tears easily drop when i think or talk about this...
can i have a remote control to control my tears...?lolx..
i getting weaker and weaker in my life....
my faith is shaking...because too much of things that happened recently and i can't escape from it...
chocolate also can't cure my sadness,shopping,eating,laughing,playing also can't cure anything...

dear lord...please...please...show me your way...
please...tell me that everything will be fine..
please...tell me that i can overcome all my weakness...
please...bring me out from here....i just want a simple life...

my birthday coming soon...
but all things,all mood spoiled because of you...
i just hope....my birthday wish will come true..
which is....you will be fine soon,
and i can really choose to forgive you with a blessing heart...


to my dear darling,im sorry that i can't accompany you when you really need me..
sometimes,i really feel bad in my heart till i don't know how to share with you..
please give me some time to make things clear and can have some good time with you..
please forgive me.....i just want you to know,i really love you and care about you..
i pray that our relationship can still be strong no matter how many problems and stresses that we going to face in future..

anyone there for me....?

i really really need someone to tell me what's going on now...
i'm tired.......really really tired of everything.....
please........help me.......
i thought i can face it without get help from anyone....
but i can't......it's to hard for me..........

the climb..

I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
I've just gotta keep going, and
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, but

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

i just like this song,
although i don't know how to describe the feelings..
but i hope you all will like it too =)

面对!

很多事情的发生都让人喘不过气来...
可是始终,我们都是要面对!
面对它是个事实..
面对它是个伤害自己的东西...
但是面对确实是需要很大的勇气...
此刻的我真的毫无勇气...
或许太多太多的负面消息,
太多太多的杂乱思想,
太多太多的有益无益的意见...
真的会让人觉得难以呼吸...
外人很难明白这种感受,
可是...这的确是我在此刻的感受...
当我以为一切都会平息的时候,
其实一切还未停止...
当我以为一切都是我多余的想法的时候,
其实一切是事实...
我选择逃避...逃避人,逃避去面对...
可是真的无法逃避的...始终这一切都是回到来我的生活里面...
我一直努力的做个简单的人...
可是我的性格就是如此,总是把事情复杂化...>.<
最近听见身边的朋友也面对着很多像我这类型的人...
仿佛在听着自己的不好,因为大家都是同一类的吧...
顿时也觉得惭愧....
可是有些时候,一些事情的发生是需要去解决的..
需要大家坦然面对对方,然后把事情说清楚,
不然的话,事情只会越描越黑...不是吗?
但是就是没有人愿意踏出这一步...
大家都在等待解决的方法从天降下来似的,
不然就是在等待对方的那一步...真是可爱啊...呵呵...
虽然是常把事情复杂化,可是只要得到解释就让我觉得舒服多了..
因为把事情的发生加上解释就可以解决了我的烦恼和疑问...
可是啊...人总是如此的奇妙,总是很难接受解释或批评...
所以呢...问题到最后都变得难以理解,难以解决...
人也总是喜欢听单方面的意见或说法...
这样的做法往往带来很大的伤害和误会...
当人只懂当方面的东西而不是双方面的时候,
问题真的会变得很复杂...
哎...真希望这一切都化成季节,可以很快的过去...

i ....hate ... shit....

i hate the shit now...
i don't know why things always happened at the wrong timing...
why i always be the one that are wrong??
why i always be the one that so call 'special' in my life??
can i choose not to be special?
can i choose to say no to the shit?
i don't know why i feel so ...fed up at this moment...
i really really really....speechless...
totally speechless...
its just a small little problem,but i don't know how to response..
am i wrong again??what i can say is sorry...
why problems always come to me and force me to accept it all the time?
i don't know why i can't make things simple ...my fault..
i don't know how to accept things in simple way...my fault..
i don't know what to do to make everyone feel ok with me...my fault...
can anyone try to understand me?
can anyone try to stand on my side to give me support?
can anyone tell me ...am i doing the right thing?
can anyone tell me ...?
can...you feel me...?can i feel myself....?

----s-h-i-t----

搞不懂...

我还蛮搞不懂自己最近为何会这样...
很乱....乱什么?不知道....
我.......错了吗?不知道....
我只知道我在学习不去在乎一切不关于我的事,
我以为我可以,可是却让自己觉得难受...
问题在哪里?没人发觉...
完全没问题?我觉得有问题...
我不知道....我不知道我这样做对不对...
我的脑里突然出现很多很多的画面,
很多发生过的事情,经历过的事情,
让我很痛苦的事情,让我很开心的事情,
很多很多的事情在此刻都出现在我脑海里...
我也不知道为什么...
想起以前彼此的认识,想起以前彼此的交谈,
想起以前彼此的吃喝玩乐...
如今这一切都好像变成零了...
也许我一直都在执著着吧,也在介意着...
可是我真的不想再做那个开口的了...
我觉得难受,可是自己承受就好了...
现在的我已经不知道如何去分享了...
一切我知道的都好像是真的,
我很不愿意去相信,可是既然不愿让我知道,
那我就选择保持沉默吧...
我已经很讨厌现在的我了...我不想再让自己这样下去了...
就当我傻,无知,想太多,自私,敏感,
当我...多余吧.............

*请别问我发生什么事,我还好好的,
以上一切纯粹是自己的感受,知我者就会看得明...

i'm back !!

phew~~finally...i'm back from genting~~tired man!!@.@
working at genting sounds fun la,but then the company really...tak bolehlah~
1st time i worked as 'event crew' work till i feel like wanna whack them >.<
argh~~i was wondering how the company survive with those bad attitude workers??
haih...nvm la,as long as i din sweat like hell can ad =P another 'special' experience also...
but then there are one thing that i like the most la,which is HOTEL RESORT =)
wahahahaha...i know it's sound 'sua ba' la,but i really like it la,hahaha..
lucky the company still provide us a good hotel la,if not....adui~
this is also the 1st time work with sammy,amber n meimei..lol..
they all really crazy n noisy..hahahaha...lucky i still can sleep well jek =P t
omorrow need to back to college life ad,haih...lazy...n feeling weird >.<
although i'm happy that i can be an advanced diploma student now but then...
maybe some of my friends don't want to continue ad,makes me feel like...
W-E-I-R-D~~nowadays go for class also don't have that kind of super happy mood..
miss all of them .....how nice if time can back to diploma that moment T.T
but i know this is life,people will walk in to my life also will just walk away..
just hope that everything going to be smooth during advanced diploma,
hope that some of them will change their mind then go back to study XD
tomorrow 8am class,so..is time to ....sleep?lolx...
i don't know why i don't feel wanna sleep yet...
although tired ad but then...haih..dunno i luan for what in my mind >.<
h-e-l-p.......................................................