hard to decide

we always need to made a decision,what we going to eat?what we goin to wear?and what should we do...too many decision that we need to think about it...

recently,my family financial problem seems like having problem again...
mom told me that dad ask me to think about weather going to kampar take degree or stop study after diploma.i was like...what?kampar??impossible..i rather stop study than going to study at kampar,a place that i dislike...but the reason dad ask me to made that decision is because he can't afford to pay me for taking advance and oversea,but if i really choose to take advance,i have to take oversea,so that i can get the certificate of degree.going to study oversea,will cost me alot...the only way is get the loan but then dad worry that my spendses at there,and he said my english is not that good,i may not communicate with people over there...again,money,language and result...
if my result can be as well as bro,i might get a scholarship at college,dad no need to worry about me too...dad is getting older,so do mom...i dunno what can i do to make things get better...
i cant always take part time job,it will influence my study,and church...if i really work,i cant go church that often..is hard for me to decide...
why?why everytime i need to made a decision that i hate to think about it...
i'm tired...tired with everything that i need to face,tired with everything that i heard from people...i hope i can solve all the problem,but i know i cant make it...
everyday when dad back from work,his face expression can show that he was unhappy,he don't have money anymore...and the next day,mom will tell me all about dad's problem...and i just listen and listen,then i go for class with all the problem that mom told me..i feel bad,but then when i reach college,there is no one that can really share with me,some of that also having their own problem,some of that don't have that mood to talk about this kind of things...
me,myself...also don't know who can i find to share with me...the time when i feel want to share with my best friend,she looks like argue with bf or dating with bf...or busy with her own thing..haiz...well,that is my problem,can't blame anyone...
are you willing to borrow me your shoulder?can i rest in your arm?can i share with you?
sometimes,i don't want to talk about my problem is because i know there is no one can help me,so i choose to be silent,but...it's make me feel tired...i feel want to shout to the sea...shout as loud as i can..
ARRrrrrrrRRRRrrrrrr~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

as a best friend,when i'm sharing the happiness,my result which is all pass with her,but she din show me that she also feel happy with me when i get the all pass result,she keep complain to me that she get the result that out of her expected...haiz...sad sad sad...
now my best friend is getting busy and busy,i don't know how to talk more with her...
well,the fact is i need to accept everything,no matter what happen,she still my best friend,no one can replace her as my best friend in my heart =)
nvm,is ok,coz i still got Jesus that always listen to me,the moment i get my result,i feel thankful because god really bless me with the result =)

talk about him...erm,he looks like having problem with friends,but he din tell me what happen yet,i just hope that the problem is not from the girl that likes him...hope they can keep the friendship as well as they can...wow,my eyes was tired,but i cant fall as sleep...feel...like...sleepy but then when i close my eyes,everything comes out in the same time...haiz~~~~
later still need to lead prayer at church,dear load,please give me the power...

Dear Lord,i really pray that the problem in my family can be solve,i pray that mom and dad will always be happy and healthy,they are getting older,please bless them with a healthy body..i pray that you will show me the way about my studies...i really don't know how to made decision..
in jesus name i pray,Amen...

决定

外面在下雨...我的心情虽然没有不开心,但就是无奈 =(

昨晚,他看了我的blog,我选择让他看是因为我不想对他又任何隐瞒..他看了后当然会不开心,而我也怕他会因此不再理我..
结果他还是给了个信息我,我不知道该说什么,就是不断道歉...他希望我不会再伤害他,我告诉他我不会...
可是想了又想,我再次答应他不再伤害他可是如果有一天我又再伤害他呢?如果有一天受伤害的是我呢?我是不该答应他吗?
晚上哥哥回来了,我跟他分享那天我去参加他的concert,还有见他的朋友,哥哥一直在笑我,他说为什么一个好的男子出现在我眼前而我还不珍惜,他问我为什么不选择和他一起,我告诉他,我们还不能在一起,我说我真的会珍惜他,可是问题是,他总是要我把事情说得很明,他才知道原来我要的是什么,原来他该做的是什么...那在一些时候我想要的惊喜也没错阿....哎~~
但是哥哥又说,人是没有完美的所以我要接受他的一切,再慢慢的了解他,改变他...想了一下,哥哥说得也没错阿...
哥哥说我自己也很矛盾但是他却一直说这个男子听起来还蛮不错,叫我不别乱想,叫我做个决定...
决定?我很害怕做决定...结果昨晚我睡不着,我一直在想...结果我告诉自己要坚定自己的想法,所以做了个决定...
我选择等待...我知道等待真的是件不容易的事,可是既然他可以,我也可以啊...好吧,决定了,不再乱想了...

决定是做了...我很想拿起电话找他,可是他在学校,我想还是不要打扰他吧,但就是很想发个信息给他,问下他在做什么,其实发个信息并不难,我只怕他觉得我烦,毕竟我不是他女友...而且他也不曾在上课时发信息给我,不过...如果一个人是喜欢我,他不是该关心我的吗?就好像...下大雨时会叫我小心驾车还有之类的...我好希望他会经常提醒我的,让我觉得他是在乎我,可是...也许我上害过他吧,他已经害怕他所做的一切是会被我拒绝...哎~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
我总是这样的,别人对我好时,我就拒绝,当他已不再像以前那样对我时,我又埋怨 >.<

雨停了...不知他在哪里呢...现在的心情是.......肚子饿了~~~吃饭吧!!!呵呵..现在只有饭能满足我 =)

haizzzzz

为什么每当我想要做的新的开始时问题就会发生呢?
刚在他告诉我说原来那天带我与他朋友见面时,他的朋友当中真的是另一个女子是喜欢他的,而其实当晚我已察觉到了,那个女子一整晚都不曾跟我说话也不曾多看我一眼就一副不开心的样子,起初我还以为她不舒服原来她是因为我的出现而不开心.
我也不知该给什么反应,只是心里就有种担心,不舒服的感觉,可是我也不能做什么啊,我不知道那个女子是否比我好,但她
的才华已经比我好了...样子也比我年轻吧,因为...我竟然被他朋友说我很成熟到好像比他大!!OMG!!我超难受的...
可是也是时候去换个发型了,希望会年轻点吧...呵呵!!
虽然他不断的告诉我他喜欢的是我,叫我别乱想,可是我还是忐忑不安的...我知道我们还不是情侣,我没资格阻止他做的选择..
可是想了又想,如果他有一天真的喜欢上她我也没资格生气他啊,毕竟自己曾经也这样伤害过他...
哎..还是睡觉好点吧,明天要到尊孔去做我的第一次教导,虽然没钱,但却好期待...人生中的第一次..我来啦~~~哈哈!!


我告诉自己不能再伤害你,我一定做得到的!!!!
i say it,and i mean it =)

新的开始

最近的我好像变了,变得好像完全不爱你了,也许是因为另一个他的出现吧,他对我的好真的让我不想伤害他...
他一直都在等我,不管我伤害了他,他还是在等,在不断的改变自己好让他能够达到我的要求,我承认我真的又被他感动..
那天,他再次的问我是否能够作他女朋友,我没答应他因为我还没完全的把你忘掉,我不能允许自己在伤害他...
他告诉我,他会再继续等,其中一个原因当然还是因为他家人及教会的人一定不会赞成我们在这个时候在一起,另一个原因是他要等我把你忘掉了才正式追求我...
如果我现在答应他,也就是在给彼此承诺,将来有一天我们一定会和对方在一起,其实我还蛮害怕答应他,因为我知道我的心很容易动摇,我不想同样的事情再发生而我又伤害了他...我只祷告,若他真的是适合我的,就让我们在适当的时候开始吧...

他并不比任何人差,他长得不错,也有才华,唯独是身材不够好吧,呵呵...
他的可爱总是让我觉得好窝心,他的表达能力真的让我又哭有笑,他总是在等我,等我回家,等我回复他的信息...
以前我总觉得他烦,可是当我经历了一些事后,我却觉得他的烦其实并不烦,而是他是出至于真心的对我...
曾经我们真的很喜欢对方,可是又是因为我的缘故,我放弃了他,我告诉他我不想等了,因为等待的过程好痛苦,面对着自己喜欢的人却不能在一起,我好难受,可是他一次又一次的让我看见他真的是在等我...我真的觉得内疚又感动...
那天,他邀请我到他学校观赏他的演出,我挣扎了很久结果我答应了...我挣扎是因为我怕,因为他说要把朋友介绍给我认识,他的朋友当中都知道了他喜欢我的事结果每个都叫他把我带去,结果就搞到好像他带女朋友去一样...幸亏他的朋友比我想象中好,友善,结果就这样和他朋友一起渡过了一个晚上.那晚也是他送我回家,好久好久没被他送回家了,那晚我也莫名其妙的开心起来,也许这样的开始也没什么不好的吧...

贝儿啊贝儿,珍惜眼前的一切吧,是时候完完全全的把你放下了!当然还是需要时间,需要时间把自己处理好吧 =)

confuse

when people mention about you,i really dunno what should i feel...
i dunno how to face it,i dunno how to accept that u really really not belong to me anymore...
honestly,i still waiting that someday u wil come back to me,i know this kind of thinking is super silly...
but i really cant control myself,i do love u,but u was hurting me...and i still dunno how to let you go...
everytime when i pass by some place that we use to went there before,every word that you told me before,every friend that you meet before,i really really miss you...really miss you...
but the truth is you r not belong to me anymore...but please allow me to being that silly...i just hope to get the chance to be ur friend again,i know you dunwan to give me that chance,you wan me to forget aboout you,but i really feel hard to make it...i though i can fall in love to another guy,but i keep think about you...i...miss...you...
sometimes i really feel angry about you because what you told me before is just a lie...
u said that i still can sms you,find you as usual,but then...u never give me that chance to do so...
why?why?why you want to hurt me in that way?do you know i really get hurt...
2 weeks relationship really means nothing to you,but it was so meaningful to me...
i will never never forget the moment that we spend together,no one can replace you for now...people ask me why i love you that much?you are not good enough,not handsome,not really a good guy,but for me,you are good enough,you are a sweet guy...i love you,and i never feel regret...
but i really feel bad everytime when i think about you,i dunno who should i find to express my feeling,because no one want to listen about you anymore,i know they want me to forget about you that's why they dun wan to let me talk more about you...but what i need is...a pair of ears,a shoulder that let me cry on it...
i really feel bad everytime when i see friends around me are busy to think about how to celebrate their annivesary or birthday,it makes me think about you,and i cant speak it out...
i hate myself because i'm not strong enough,i hate myself to being that silly...
i even hate myself why i cant be that well as her...if i'm not that bad,maybe you will stil be with me...
if i'm not a christian,will you still choose to be with me?do you really choose to let me go just because i am a christian?do you really like me?do you really care about me?i hope the answer is yes...
everyday,every moment,i hope that i can meet you at somewhere else,but i never meet you...
i hope that i can see you in my dream,but it never happen...
i hope i can received a msg that is from you,but you never msg me...
i hope i can say hi to you and have more talk with you,but you just give me that chance to say hi...
i hope i can delete all the msg that you send me,delete all the memories that you gave me,but i cant...
i feel tired...really tired...can you feel me?will you...?

特别的一天

昨晚真的是特别的一天，家里庆祝中秋节虽然并不比以往热闹可是小孩开心的心情依然没变..
今年特别是因为另一班朋友来我家一起玩...大家在一起聊天的感觉还蛮不错的嘛 =)
过后这班可爱又吵闹的朋友也在我家过夜，不禁又让我想起了...
那晚，他也和朋友在我家因温习功课而在我家过夜，虽然当时他的身份已不是男友的身份了可是那是他第一次在我家...
也是最后一次在我家...那种只能看着他可是距离已经好遥远的感觉真的很难受...
昨晚朋友们在我家，当然我们是开心的聊天，心情和那晚是不一样的...可是你的影子真的一直出现在我脑里...
在此刻的我突然觉得那个我原以为可以取代你的男生也还真的蛮不适合我的...哎，感情真的是不能勉强的...
也许现在的我真的先该把自己处理好吧...
此刻我的心情又变得混乱起来了 =(

我回来了...

刚看了朋友的部落格，突然看回自己的部落格...写着关于你的东西...
如今的你过得真的很开心似的，而我...？
我开心吗？我还爱你吗？我承认我不爱你了因为爱你让我觉得好累，好痛也好难过...
但是却无可否认你在我心中的位置是还存在着...
总觉得当我提起你的时候，朋友似乎不想多说了，我不怪他们...
只怪自己还不愿把你忘掉，我问自己到底我有多爱你？到底我在等什么？到底我要什么？就连自己也觉得自己好烦了...
另方面的我，好像在让另一个人取代你的位置但是我觉得自己这样做是不对的，可是唯有这样我才觉得好过点...
但是在还未把你彻彻底底的忘掉前，我是不会允许自己喜欢上另一个人，因为那种害怕再受伤害的感觉真的好可怕...
不知道会不会再受伤害，不知道他会否会比你更好，不知道是否是自己要的那个人......
真的是矛盾阿...

眼睁睁看着朋友庆祝周年纪念日，我真的很难掩饰自己的难过，我总在想，如果我们还在一起，我也能像他们一样的开心，像他们一样在想要怎样庆祝，要怎样有个难忘的周年纪念日...我连与你庆祝一个月的机会都没有就失去你了...
如今的你已经拥有和她的纪念日，如今的你有她陪你渡过每个节日的...我真的能放开胸怀祝福你们吗...？

看见朋友在追求自己的幸福，我真的好怀念当初渴望恋爱及恋爱后的感觉...是多么开心，多么甜蜜...
朋友，加油吧！不管结果是如何，只希望你不后悔，只希望你真的能找到幸福！！！