安静...

这几天...我觉得很安静...
突然觉得周围变得安静...
也许是生病了,总是在找床睡觉...
电话把它关上声音,因为没人找我..
也不想去碰电话...也很懒惰驾车...
只想赖在房间里...觉得很安静...
我不需要去理会自己有没有时间分配出来做什么事情..
我可以暂时不去碰功课..
我可以暂时不用去接触任何人...
总之就是觉得安静就对了..
也许主要关键是电话没响吧...
我也不需要去按信息,也不需要等信息..
就觉得真个系统停止操作了...
那种感觉原本很难受...
可是却突然让我觉得很安静,蛮舒服的..
我甚至在想,如果每天都这样会怎样呢?
每天起身,吃吃喝喝,上网,睡觉...
想东西让我觉得很累...
突然不想去想了..
想了只会让我心痛...
上网只为了等...等个回应...
可是当我每隔几个小时去看的时候,
我却还是等不到,更是看不到回应...
失落...让我觉得我是不是不应该等呢...?
很矛盾的心情.....
让我觉得不如就让我过着安静的生活吧..
安静在自己的思想..
安静在自己的生活..
只有自己...感觉好像有点孤独..但是又舒服...矛盾吧!
当我想找个聊的朋友时...
我才发现我好像失去了她这个朋友...
我该怎样补救呢...我不知道...
我的问题吧,一向来都是我的问题..
我会改...让我安静的改掉我一切的坏...
让我安静的爱着心里面的你..
让我安静的做决定..
让我安静的听你说..
让我安静的在你身旁..因为有时我真的觉得讲话很累人...
让我安静的有自己的想法..因为我很希望自己的想法得到尊重..
让我安静的......
休息...............
病得累.....
想得累.....
等得累.....
讲得累.....
做得累.....
请让我.....安静......的生活....

i wish...

sometimes,you have to make a decision,
if that is what you want,then just go for it..
if not,what for still suffering over here ...?
i don't understand,is my fault i guess..
i wish...i have a big space of heart...
to understand,to take it,to accept,to forgive and LET GO...
how many times i shout it loud to myself,damn it,why i can't just LET IT BE N LET IT GO?!!
i used to care about it so much till i feel hurt in the end..
and yea,im not the most unlucky one in the world...
but why??why when i choose to believe it,then the bad feeling comes to me?
i thought this is not supposed to be like this?
im trying hard to take it and forget about it...
i thought i can.. but its make me feel suffering ..
and i didnt see anything,cant feel anything from there...
is it my fault?is it real that i really cant see and feel it?
am i not good enough?yea..im not,because i dont know how to pretend at all..
i dont know how to pretend like nothing happen,
i dont know how to pretend like im OKAY with everything,
i dont know how to pretend like im STRONG enough..
i dont know how to understand people's situation at all..
n yea im now facing my problem and again i THOUGHT ...
there is some help they offering by anyone,anywhere..
im just so stupid to thought that there is some miracle,
there is something that i can rely on..
i thought i can try to understand the whole thing..
but i cant,just because i cant see any effort over there..
i guess the problem is from me..
because the problem always is from me,because im thinking too much.
this is what i always heard,but what makes me think in that way?
can it be like try to think twice before put the judgement on me?


i wish...i really wish...
there is a machine for me to delete ALL the memories,
delete ALL the hell things that in my mind,
delete ALL ... i wish..
because i don't know how to move on anymore..
i hate the feeling now..
everyday .. almost everyday..
i wish that i can start it all over again..
i wish there is something for me..
i thought there is some help from there...
but i couldnt see it....
im not going to pretend anymore..
because i hate to pretend like im strong enough to face it...
all i wish is...give me back all the goods of everything..
if there is a chance for me,
i will choose to stop and go back to the past...
because i cant feel it anymore...


i wish........
there is nothing happen before...
at least...i wont have that bad feelings right now...
all i want is just.....
the old me n the old memories that are memorable..
i wish........i can be strong enough to let go everything...

but not the things that i treasured.........

就这样..

好像没有真正祝自己生日快乐...
祝我生日快乐...
今年...我21岁了...
我在这个世界生存了21年...
一天一天的长大,周围的事也越来越不同...
直到今天,我已经是个大人了...
看着在学走路,学讲话的小孩子,
再看自己现在已经会走路讲话甚至是思考...
觉得很奇妙...人就是这样慢慢的长大了...
小孩在长大过程学走路会跌倒...
大人在成长过程也依然会跌倒,受伤的...
我还在经历着....
朋友都会把这一年搞得盛大,特别,好让自己留下灿烂的回忆..
可是我却没有,因为觉得不想花父母的钱,
反正没有必要,那就让我的生日这样的过吧...
每年的我都是和朋友一起过,吃餐好的再吹蛋糕,
可是偏偏今年...觉得我的生日好冷清...
人缘不好吧...连看戏都变得少人...
还要自以为会有什么的...够白痴吧...
结果...自己失望,好好的睡一觉...
就这样...也许长大了吧,就让一切平凡吧...
我不就是想要过着平凡生活吗?
现在真的如愿以偿了...呵呵..
我就这样的上了一堂课...
我不再...不再.....去期望不可能的东西...
因为我不比别人来得幸运甚至是好命...人缘也不好吧...
越想要人记得,人偏偏就忘记...
越想要人忘记,人偏偏就记得...
我不再渴望人记得...因为我并不重要....
我会好好的就是了.......

今年我的愿望是...
希望家人永远开心..
希望自己可以开心的过着我的新生活..
希望.......... =)
happy birthday to me =)

我..

我不再为你而伤心..
我不再为你而犹豫..
我决定...已经决定...
让我好好为自己做决定...
你的一切我都不会再留恋...
你的一切都不再属于我了...
直到今天我清楚知道你是你,我是我...
也许我们真的不适合对方吧...
你曾经很努力的在为我改变..
我也曾经尝试进入你的世界里...
可是大家到最后都很累...
原来爱真的是不容易的...
我只想遇到一个爱我,一个平凡的爱情就好了..
因为一次又一次的伤害,真的让我害怕...
曾经我喜欢的,却因家人而放弃我...
曾经我爱的,却因不合而选择分开...
我不知道会否能遇到个可以给我简单爱的人..
我只是害怕再次伤害到下一个爱我的人..
所以...
如果让我开始新的恋情,我会说...
好好确定你是否喜欢我,才来说爱我..
因为我不想自己再受伤害,更不想再伤害人..
我的心负荷不了再次的伤害..
我...只想做自己...
我...只想有段简单的爱情...
我...只想让自己更自由..
我...只想比以前过得更好...
我...需要勇气去面对..
我...需要真正对我好的朋友...
我...希望自己不会再做错决定...
不论友情或爱情...
我都失去信任了...
如果是为我好那就别再伤害我..
更别再伤害我后才告诉我是为我好...
因为我没办法再接受.....
我...只想重新来过...
新的世界里...
不再有隐瞒和虚伪...
不再有任何承诺...
我只想要简单的生活........
我涌入不进复杂的生活方式...
若你的生活方式和我不一样,
不代表我无法接受...
只要你坦白让我知道..
我会好好的去面对...
但是请不要给我假意的立场,假意的想法让自己那么辛苦..
做回自己就好.....
至少我知道也不会勉强你和我是一样世界的人...

我不比任何人来得特别...
我....只是个过着平淡生活的平凡人...

just let it be...

sometimes...we just need to move on without anyone around us..

sometimes and somehow...i have to keep moving with broken heart...

honestly...no one can really understand your situation or feeling..

only you yourself know the truth and feelings..

never expect people can feel you..

just let it be...

no matter what,still have to move on..

i know i'm not alone,as my friends always told me i got them..

but then for some particular thing that is only keep deep in my heart...

i really need to face it and deal with it..

and again...let it be.......

feel struggling, annoying, confusing..

everything seems like unfair...

but nothing i can do ..

again... just let it be..

my life... is time to have some turning point..

having bad condition now....

feel like already get used with share with nobody but myself..

sigh....

have to solve it alone...

and pray hard to my God..

i cant control anything,but i can control myself...

as long as ... things still under control..

wth i'm talking here..

guess i'm just don't know how to express anymore..

off to bed......

结束了...

结束了忙碌的三个月实习期...

外面正在下雨...

听着方大同的wonderful tonight...

感觉舒服又轻松....

终于...可以松了口气,放下一切工作的问题...

可是...却让我很想念很想念这三个月的一切...

同事,工作环境,工作的经历,欢笑,压力...

一切的回忆只能放在心里...

这次实习让我去了一些我没去过的地方..

malacca,johor,segamat,muar,taiping,sitiawan,

pantai remis,klang,genting klang...

这些都是拍摄去过的地方...

我甚至有机会驾VAN!!呵呵...

感觉还好,不至于一路死火..总算把大家安全的载到目的地..

自己心里也会觉得又惊又险,可是却偷偷觉得自己算很厉害了..

因为一生中也许就只有那几次驾van XD

很多经验都是平时生活里很少经历过的..

比如说...很早就起床吃早餐..

然后去巴刹逗留差不多一到两个小时的拍摄...

觉得人群众的我很渺小,看见周围的安娣安哥在买卖菜...

有些人杀价,有些人在选菜,有些人在想要买什么..

有些人年纪小小就出来帮忙卖菜...

有些人年纪很老还在卖菜...

这一切看在眼里,就觉得自己是幸运的...

可是将来的我也会要踏入巴刹买菜的一天...

只好享受现在可以不用买菜的日子只等着吃 =P

去了巴刹再到一些安娣的家再准备拍摄...

搬上搬下,重的轻的都要搬...也要烫衣服给主持人...

再帮忙准备一些菜,一些用料...

准备用料还蛮挑战的,因为我需要动手切菜或一些材料...

有时也要动手煮或煎炸东西...这也是我在家很少做的...

可是到了工作期间就没得拒绝不做...只好学习...

感觉还不错啦...因为... 呵呵... 我要当一位好妈妈!!

所以我一定要会动手煮菜!!!好好服侍我的丈夫 =)

等待拍摄的过程就难免会睡着,天气很热又一直流汗...

在热和汗流浃背的时候,还蛮难受的,因为会很臭,很困..

但是还是要坚持下去到晚上拍摄完毕..

不过幸好有时我可以碰一碰相机,副导会教我一些拍摄的角度..

可是怎么学也学不会...不过...多多少少都有学到一点...

有时还是会拍到稍微好的角度=)

到了晚上终于可以吃到安娣煮的美食,再清洗碗碟锅子,收拾东西搬上车..

有时需要开车就不能睡觉...幸亏有人在旁边陪我讲话 =)

每次回到公司都凌晨一两点了,有时还要驾车回家,载人回家..

感觉超累...所以选择在公司过夜是最好的...

但是累的不只是我一个,所以都不会去把自己想成很累,因为大家都一样..

每一次拍摄完了就要开始剪接..

当然不是我剪啦,因为我还不会,可是至少我会上字幕了!!

以前看戏时都会留意到字幕,觉得好奇不懂字幕怎样上的..

现在我终于会了!!还蛮简单的...可是却要细心处理...

不能打错字,字幕和荧幕里的东西都要相对一样的时间..

可是由于节目是福建的,所以常打错字...

幸亏有剪接师纠正我 =P

一个礼拜又一个礼拜的拍摄就这样的过去...

很高兴虽然有时会有些不开心因为一些小事...

但是还是难忘的经验.. 很庆幸自己至少可以跟拍 =)

和拍摄里面的工作人员从导演,副导演,摄影师,制作助理,化妆师,主持人,监制...

这一班人都很可爱,很搞笑到一个程度...

导演是个台湾人,名叫志娟...

有点傻傻的,又好欺负,几乎整组人都欺负她..

可是她确实是个不错的导演和朋友,也是我的半个妈妈 XD

因为常教我护肤的知识 =)

副导演ah cheng...

一个好人,特别的人 =) 很有智慧因为每次他都在拍位把东西放好..

除他以外没有别人做得更好了..拍照厉害,是他在教导我一切的=)

摄影师joe 和 兴顺.. 搞笑到爆...

每次吃饭从来不会闷,因为有他们加ah cheng 一起笑一起废..

在车里有时也不会闷因为他们都会讲些有的没的 XD

制作助理sherlyn..

很认真的一个人...永远处于认真状态..

希望她的人会搞笑一点吧...不过无可否认从她身上的确学了一些处事方式...

化妆师bibi 和maggie..我的同房朋友 =)

两个都是可爱傻傻的,总是可以涌入大家的废话笑话里..

只可惜我对化妆没兴趣不然可以向她们偷师..

主持人菲比,有时也是蛮搞笑,很容易在车睡着..

可是却能说出一口流利福建话...厉害!!爱吃也是她的本性 =)

还有监制Hazel,Astro 欢喜台台长..

和她相处就像朋友,有认真也有搞笑的时候...

真的很想念大家....拍摄的一切...

特别是人在很远已经回台湾叻的导演...

希望你一切顺利!!不要被人欺负了!!不要忘记我们!!

终于写完了我的经历!!当然不忘我的好老板给我这个难得的机会!!

很感谢大家的包容和合作...take care!!

外面雨一直在下....我的歌还在播放着...

心里想念某个人........... =)

fade in and fade out...

this morning as usual im driving alone to work...
turn on the radio...
the song was there...two is better than one...
the first thing that came into my mind was the lyrics...
i remember you send me the lyrics before and told me everything can be solve,
you told me two is better than one,
that's why you said we can overcome everything as long as we are together...
but we failed to make it...
and this song is the last song that you shared with me...
sometimes i ask myself am i enjoying my single life?
or i need another person to take care me?
am i strong enough to face all things by myself?
am i weak until i need a person to care everything of me?
i think i just need some time to let go....
i not sure how long is it...
the feeling just in and out..
i cant feel you anymore...
and i dont know what i want right now..
people keep telling me the same thing..
let go..let go and you will be much more better to move on..
let go everything around you...
let go so that you can forgive her or him...
im trying......but i still cant accept things that already happened..
cant accept that things or people around me is just a fake thing.
or i should say im the idiot that go find out all the truth,
then i feel hurt at last?
what else i can do to make myself feel better?
what and how and when only i can overcome all these?
i need to move on all by myself and my God..
i guess....is time to repair and rebuild everything.....