我...

我要的什么你都给...
你要的我好像学不会...
我很难顶吧?我很脆弱...真的很脆弱...
我很奇怪吧?我想很多...真的想很多...
之前都看不见我的缺点吧...?
之前都不觉得我原来是那么忧愁,那么难侍候吧...?
之前都好像觉得我是个不错的选择吧...?
我是个奇怪脑袋充满思想的女人..
我是个多愁善感的女人...
我是个要求很多可是却没达到要求的人...
我是个看起来好像善良的好人...
我总是爱哭....
什么时候只要想到什么都可以轻易掉泪...
可以什么东西都哭一场然后就这样睡着...
所以别在我哭的时候叫我别哭...
因为那只会让我无法停止哭泣...
我哭是因为我在乎,我害怕,我懦弱....
我总是在要求,总是在期盼别人对我的好...
我终于明白一直原地不动的是自己...
自己的自私,自己的思想...
你...觉得累了吧....?
我告诉自己这一次我是不会那么快放弃...
我告诉自己我是可以接受一切...
我告诉自己我不会再去在乎一切我没有的...
我告诉自己...我会为我在乎的去争取...
我告诉自己...我会改变自己让一切变得更好...
我告诉自己...我会学会更独立...
我告诉自己.......
你要的,你想的,我都会学会,都会改变...
直到有一天你感受到我的改变....
我不会就这样放手.....



可是....
你...是否开始觉得很累...?
你...是否觉得后悔...?
我的出现好像把你的世界涂上灰色了....
我只想说....
可以让我们好好的为这世界涂上幸福快乐的色彩吗....?
你听见了吗.........?
你感受到吗.........?

random post...

aikz..the father is back to the house again...
i wish he will stay over there n don't come back for now...
really need a peaceful world...
i know is bad to think like that...
but then when you never fall into this kind of situation,u will never know..
it's suffering................
i wish i can run away from here...
i know i almost fall into the same situation with my dad...
but i just cant stop myself thinking all the time....
started to lost my way,lost direction in many way..
heartless with everything im doing right now...
i know what should i do,but then it's just like a wall...
a wall that blocking me to reach the destination...
different perspective,different lifestyle...
everything is different...
two different world really hard to be together?
i would say yes...
sometimes,no matter how u change,
different means different...
nothing means nothing...
i dont feel like hurting anyone that want to change for me...
sometimes u can feel it without any words that will only make u feel bad..
i just want things to be simple...


take a deep breath.....
i must overcome it,find the way that supposed to be...
dear god,please renew my life...
i need a direction....

安静...

这几天...我觉得很安静...
突然觉得周围变得安静...
也许是生病了,总是在找床睡觉...
电话把它关上声音,因为没人找我..
也不想去碰电话...也很懒惰驾车...
只想赖在房间里...觉得很安静...
我不需要去理会自己有没有时间分配出来做什么事情..
我可以暂时不去碰功课..
我可以暂时不用去接触任何人...
总之就是觉得安静就对了..
也许主要关键是电话没响吧...
我也不需要去按信息,也不需要等信息..
就觉得真个系统停止操作了...
那种感觉原本很难受...
可是却突然让我觉得很安静,蛮舒服的..
我甚至在想,如果每天都这样会怎样呢?
每天起身,吃吃喝喝,上网,睡觉...
想东西让我觉得很累...
突然不想去想了..
想了只会让我心痛...
上网只为了等...等个回应...
可是当我每隔几个小时去看的时候,
我却还是等不到,更是看不到回应...
失落...让我觉得我是不是不应该等呢...?
很矛盾的心情.....
让我觉得不如就让我过着安静的生活吧..
安静在自己的思想..
安静在自己的生活..
只有自己...感觉好像有点孤独..但是又舒服...矛盾吧!
当我想找个聊的朋友时...
我才发现我好像失去了她这个朋友...
我该怎样补救呢...我不知道...
我的问题吧,一向来都是我的问题..
我会改...让我安静的改掉我一切的坏...
让我安静的爱着心里面的你..
让我安静的做决定..
让我安静的听你说..
让我安静的在你身旁..因为有时我真的觉得讲话很累人...
让我安静的有自己的想法..因为我很希望自己的想法得到尊重..
让我安静的......
休息...............
病得累.....
想得累.....
等得累.....
讲得累.....
做得累.....
请让我.....安静......的生活....

i wish...

sometimes,you have to make a decision,
if that is what you want,then just go for it..
if not,what for still suffering over here ...?
i don't understand,is my fault i guess..
i wish...i have a big space of heart...
to understand,to take it,to accept,to forgive and LET GO...
how many times i shout it loud to myself,damn it,why i can't just LET IT BE N LET IT GO?!!
i used to care about it so much till i feel hurt in the end..
and yea,im not the most unlucky one in the world...
but why??why when i choose to believe it,then the bad feeling comes to me?
i thought this is not supposed to be like this?
im trying hard to take it and forget about it...
i thought i can.. but its make me feel suffering ..
and i didnt see anything,cant feel anything from there...
is it my fault?is it real that i really cant see and feel it?
am i not good enough?yea..im not,because i dont know how to pretend at all..
i dont know how to pretend like nothing happen,
i dont know how to pretend like im OKAY with everything,
i dont know how to pretend like im STRONG enough..
i dont know how to understand people's situation at all..
n yea im now facing my problem and again i THOUGHT ...
there is some help they offering by anyone,anywhere..
im just so stupid to thought that there is some miracle,
there is something that i can rely on..
i thought i can try to understand the whole thing..
but i cant,just because i cant see any effort over there..
i guess the problem is from me..
because the problem always is from me,because im thinking too much.
this is what i always heard,but what makes me think in that way?
can it be like try to think twice before put the judgement on me?


i wish...i really wish...
there is a machine for me to delete ALL the memories,
delete ALL the hell things that in my mind,
delete ALL ... i wish..
because i don't know how to move on anymore..
i hate the feeling now..
everyday .. almost everyday..
i wish that i can start it all over again..
i wish there is something for me..
i thought there is some help from there...
but i couldnt see it....
im not going to pretend anymore..
because i hate to pretend like im strong enough to face it...
all i wish is...give me back all the goods of everything..
if there is a chance for me,
i will choose to stop and go back to the past...
because i cant feel it anymore...


i wish........
there is nothing happen before...
at least...i wont have that bad feelings right now...
all i want is just.....
the old me n the old memories that are memorable..
i wish........i can be strong enough to let go everything...

but not the things that i treasured.........

就这样..

好像没有真正祝自己生日快乐...
祝我生日快乐...
今年...我21岁了...
我在这个世界生存了21年...
一天一天的长大,周围的事也越来越不同...
直到今天,我已经是个大人了...
看着在学走路,学讲话的小孩子,
再看自己现在已经会走路讲话甚至是思考...
觉得很奇妙...人就是这样慢慢的长大了...
小孩在长大过程学走路会跌倒...
大人在成长过程也依然会跌倒,受伤的...
我还在经历着....
朋友都会把这一年搞得盛大,特别,好让自己留下灿烂的回忆..
可是我却没有,因为觉得不想花父母的钱,
反正没有必要,那就让我的生日这样的过吧...
每年的我都是和朋友一起过,吃餐好的再吹蛋糕,
可是偏偏今年...觉得我的生日好冷清...
人缘不好吧...连看戏都变得少人...
还要自以为会有什么的...够白痴吧...
结果...自己失望,好好的睡一觉...
就这样...也许长大了吧,就让一切平凡吧...
我不就是想要过着平凡生活吗?
现在真的如愿以偿了...呵呵..
我就这样的上了一堂课...
我不再...不再.....去期望不可能的东西...
因为我不比别人来得幸运甚至是好命...人缘也不好吧...
越想要人记得,人偏偏就忘记...
越想要人忘记,人偏偏就记得...
我不再渴望人记得...因为我并不重要....
我会好好的就是了.......

今年我的愿望是...
希望家人永远开心..
希望自己可以开心的过着我的新生活..
希望.......... =)
happy birthday to me =)

我..

我不再为你而伤心..
我不再为你而犹豫..
我决定...已经决定...
让我好好为自己做决定...
你的一切我都不会再留恋...
你的一切都不再属于我了...
直到今天我清楚知道你是你,我是我...
也许我们真的不适合对方吧...
你曾经很努力的在为我改变..
我也曾经尝试进入你的世界里...
可是大家到最后都很累...
原来爱真的是不容易的...
我只想遇到一个爱我,一个平凡的爱情就好了..
因为一次又一次的伤害,真的让我害怕...
曾经我喜欢的,却因家人而放弃我...
曾经我爱的,却因不合而选择分开...
我不知道会否能遇到个可以给我简单爱的人..
我只是害怕再次伤害到下一个爱我的人..
所以...
如果让我开始新的恋情,我会说...
好好确定你是否喜欢我,才来说爱我..
因为我不想自己再受伤害,更不想再伤害人..
我的心负荷不了再次的伤害..
我...只想做自己...
我...只想有段简单的爱情...
我...只想让自己更自由..
我...只想比以前过得更好...
我...需要勇气去面对..
我...需要真正对我好的朋友...
我...希望自己不会再做错决定...
不论友情或爱情...
我都失去信任了...
如果是为我好那就别再伤害我..
更别再伤害我后才告诉我是为我好...
因为我没办法再接受.....
我...只想重新来过...
新的世界里...
不再有隐瞒和虚伪...
不再有任何承诺...
我只想要简单的生活........
我涌入不进复杂的生活方式...
若你的生活方式和我不一样,
不代表我无法接受...
只要你坦白让我知道..
我会好好的去面对...
但是请不要给我假意的立场,假意的想法让自己那么辛苦..
做回自己就好.....
至少我知道也不会勉强你和我是一样世界的人...

我不比任何人来得特别...
我....只是个过着平淡生活的平凡人...

just let it be...

sometimes...we just need to move on without anyone around us..

sometimes and somehow...i have to keep moving with broken heart...

honestly...no one can really understand your situation or feeling..

only you yourself know the truth and feelings..

never expect people can feel you..

just let it be...

no matter what,still have to move on..

i know i'm not alone,as my friends always told me i got them..

but then for some particular thing that is only keep deep in my heart...

i really need to face it and deal with it..

and again...let it be.......

feel struggling, annoying, confusing..

everything seems like unfair...

but nothing i can do ..

again... just let it be..

my life... is time to have some turning point..

having bad condition now....

feel like already get used with share with nobody but myself..

sigh....

have to solve it alone...

and pray hard to my God..

i cant control anything,but i can control myself...

as long as ... things still under control..

wth i'm talking here..

guess i'm just don't know how to express anymore..

off to bed......