纳闷的心情

有时真的觉得很纳闷...
虽然不是第一次有这种感觉...
可是有时真的很讨厌这种感觉...
我讨厌自己的不坚持和心软...
我讨厌自己的犹豫不决...
真的很不喜欢可是我知道自己很难改掉....
我就是这样的做不了决定,就是这样的拒绝不了...
明明自己是很不原意很不想要接受可是我就是这样的接受了..
明明自己是那么不甘愿做可使就是做了..
我知道我常会被讲是自己拿来衰的可是我就是这样...
我常常都不是在跟自己的决定来做选择,
过后就很多的埋怨和后悔...
我真的觉得自己好像有种病就是做不了决定...
我该怎么办呢...
我的决定好像都变成不是自己的决定了...
活得开心吗?又何必呢?
可是自己就是那么的依赖人然后就自己生闷气...
有时还真的很想哭...
我明明很想要做这个决定可是却觉得没有人可以接受...
到底是我的问题吗?
我知道是自己喜欢的自己需要的可是就是没办法做下决定...
我真的有那么大的问题吗....

很懊恼很纳闷很犹豫很矛盾很反感很讨厌很无奈很自责......
好想跑到山上然后大喊...
好像把自己的脑袋拿出来放着不用它...
好像把自己的人撕开再分散处理..
突然的我觉得生活很精崩,
不是因为读书而是周遭...
我没有办法同时间做两件事...
突然要在自己的中心点做出选择...
我一向以来都以为这样是没有问题
可是当东西不断在增加变化时
我发现自己一向以来的中心点没有办法再做中心点...
我发现我已经不能再做自己想要的...
我满足了自己却同时伤害到至亲
满足了至亲却满足不到自己
满足了朋友却满足不到自己
满足了自己却满足不到朋友
我该怎么办呢......
很烦闷很无助很难受很忧郁很无能很无力很挣扎.....
我的世界简单得来复杂又灰暗不喜欢就别来碰我吧...
我就是这样奇怪不讨喜的....
我不是人群中的焦点所以我觉得还好...
我纯粹发泄...让我这样吧....

just my thought...

in this new year..
i was actually telling myself that i'm going to forget everything..
everything that happened before this,
i did feel bad all the time when all these appear in my mind...
but still this is new year,
of course i want everything begins with new...
but this month i feel tension,feel bad when thinking about something..
think about exams,
i feel so so so stress because of the resit paper,
it's statistic....this is so omg paper for me...
i keep telling myself that i can do it,
because i spend my time to attend class,and i did do those questions..
i actually feel better after praying before start the revision..
i really don't want to fail it again...
i must pass it and go UK ....
i want a better future with better certificate so that i can give my parents a better life..
just today my dad is in operation because of his heart blockage,bypass operation,
he is consider serious condition so it is a must to do the operation..
i decided to visit him before he went it the wad..
it has been some time that i didn't really look at him more than 5 minutes..
today,i really can see that he is getting older..
i know he actually feel scare with the operation,
i saw his hands shaking before enter the operation room,
he feel cold also worry...
but what i can do it ask him to stay calm and we will see him later..
i know he will be fine...
but suddenly i feel like my heart is crying,
this is first time i saw dad in this condition...
also is first time i feel like the tears didn't drop,
but it's just like tearing in my heart...
i know i didn't treat him well before this...
i just hope he will be fine after this operation..
its takes time for me to forgive you...
i just want to say sorry....

i just feel like being alone for sometime..
not even spend time with the love one,
because i just prefer this way....
if this make you feel uncomfortable,
i don't know what to say...
when things around are putting me in a crazy temple,
i really feel like being alone...
the last month in 2010,is a tiring month,
crazy busy month....
i just feel like talk to someone...
but i just feel like there is no one...
no one can really understand the whole thing...
so just better to stay alone...
sorry for being weird for whatever is it..
somehow..i really prefer this...
when i say or do something,
definitely i have my own reason..
i just want to have my own decision...
but i don't know since when my decision seems like not my decision...lol
i just hope this new year i can have
my own thought,own decision,own way...
this is me...bei er....

happy blessed new year~

无法预知的未来...

很多东西都是无法预测的...
不知道什么时候会发生也不知道什么时候会停止...
未来...更是一个未知数...
我常常把自己的未来想得很完美，很简单又满足...
我常希望可以读完书就做工，努力赚钱养自己和好好孝敬妈妈...
我要把最好的都给她，买辆车然后可以载她四处去玩...
然后就可以和我爱的人结婚,有个美满的生活，再生小孩...
生了小孩，妈妈就可以抱孙了!!呵呵...家里又热闹，又幸福...
那就是我人生中最最最大的愿望...
可以当我是天真吧，又或者是很笨没有大志...
可是此刻的我真的是如此...
但是随着日子一天一天的过，
我发现很多事情都是未知数...
不管我再怎样努力的想，盼望，到后来还是个未知数...
我和你之间也是个无法预测的未来...
我每一次都在想象我们的未来...
你虽然并不是完美的那一个，可是却让我觉得稳重...
我们有些时候都会因为某些事而小争吵...
我每一次都很难过，没有人喜欢吵架...
因为每一次吵架就会在心里留下疤痕...
但是每一次我都还是很想说...我真的不想这么轻易放弃...
做了决定，不能就这么轻易放弃，
我没有别人的聪明，大量，善解人意...
可是我会努力的把自己的缺点拿掉...
我们能不能走到未来的那一天...
你是否是那个在我的未来的画面里的那一个...
我又是不是你心中最好的那一个...
这一切都似乎都很模糊...
这无法预知的一切....
是否能让我们两一起去探索....
我希望我们可以...
我希望自己不是你的绊脚石...
我希望自己能更坚强...好让你不会被我的话伤害...
我不想我的出现对你来说是个阻碍...
我真的希望自己的付出是会带来未来，带来结果...
我希望自己带给你幸福而不是负担...

无法预知的未来...................
到底是个怎样的未来...............

the feelings ...

do you know some words can really kills someone?

when you plan to do something,have you ever try to think about the consequences?

do you know the definition of the word?

until now...i still can't forget...

the words of ''backstab'',you pointed me with the word backstabber...

it's the first time also the only one...

maybe there are so many people think i'm like a backstabber but never voice out..

but when the particular person purposely come and scold me with this word...

i was stunned,and i was like...do you need to use this word on me?

why people can still hold and find thousand of excuse when they are wrong?

why people can just turn a big round just because they don't want to admit?

why must them choose the way that will hurts people in this way?

i still can't understand..

if i choose to walk away when i saw you,

please don't ever say is my problem..

is because i don't know when will you come and tell me i'm backstabbing you in front of others people..

if i choose to sit with you,

it doesn't mean i really agree with you,

it doesn't mean i choose to trust in you..

the moment you and others plan to point on me in front of them,

do you ever think about my feelings?

is it fair to me?and yea,i apologize it...

but what i get in the end?

people trying to used different eye sight to look at me...

while you still enjoying over there like nothing happen before..

my feelings are just like living in hell..

and i feel like shouting to myself all the time..

because of you,i lost my friends..

don't blame me when i choose to walk away when you want to talk to me..

because i still not ready for anything that comes from you n others..

for almost 10 years i staying at the place,

i never meet someone like you before..

and i never meet someone that hurt me like you before and still can laugh like nothing happen before..

i never handle someone like you before..

i never feel that pain before just because of you n your so call friends..

the moment i look at you guys,i don't have any feelings but the only things i do is i choose to put my smile on my face and walk away,i can't find any better way for me to treat you guys..

i will never forget the day...the only day in my life...

i wish i can shout to you like the way you did on me...

but i can't...

i wish i can forget and move on,

but i can't...

the feelings is so real.....

don't try to talk to me if that is not comes from your heart..

i meant it...just stay away from me...

i hate the word backstab...please think before you say it..

whatever i do, i will admit it,but for the word backstab,i really can't take it..

stop acting like you are innocent...

i feel sick with everything....

......

need some help...

but don't feel like get help directly...

need some help...

but never expect people around will always be there...

some might don't understand because they don't have to understand..

some might don't understand because they don't even want to understand...

some might don't understand because they don't feel like is worth to understand..

when i need help...

only i realized that there is no any hands for me...

feel like everything become transparent...

it could be my fault...

somehow i feel like who cares?

when people are having good life,new things,

who cares that you are living in a hole..

oh wait...

i'm the one that choose to face it all by myself...

so just forget about it....

trying hard to ignore the feelings....

problem still there,i'm still alive...

leave it to the only one.....pls..listen to my prayer....

有些东西都是看你有没有心罢了......

口里说在乎可是做的却是另一些事情...

或许真的志同道合的人才能在一起寻找快乐吧...

失望...无言......算了....

失去的总会有些是无法挽回的....

家...永远是我温暖的避风港....

final semester in my life...

it's final semester already...

which also mean that i almost finish my 4 years studies in Tarcollege..

there is a question that keep appearing in my mind...

go or not to go?should i go UK for 3 months to get my degree?

i know is a waste if i choose not to go...

but when back to reality,i know there will be a problem for me when come to the time i need to return all the loans...

if i choose not to go,means i have to find a job after this...

if i choose to go,means i need to work super double hard due to my limited english problem...

i know this is a problem for me,i was worrying that can't speak well,do well...

what if when others keep asking me the reason for not going?

what if when others feel bad when i decide not to go?

what if....there is none of them support my decision?

but i really worry that i can't graduate with a better results over there...

this final semester will be very stress to me...

the paper to resit is my second time of resit this...

mathematics...if still fail,means i no need to think about oversea at all..

if pass,then it will be great!!!

attending class alone with strangers are weird for me..

but what to do...no one will accompany me because that is my paper..

aikz...just trying my best.....

i know is bad to hurts someone that being good to me..

but sometimes when you trying too hard,its really make me feel bad..

because i know there is nothing going to happen ...

i'm clear with myself...

because there is no space in my heart anymore..

there is someone,something that is important to me...

i thought it's quite clear all the time,

because i just want a normal relationship...

i won't accept it,because i don't want the same thing happen again..

and i'm not worth for anyone to being good to me..

i'm not that good,or kind....

i don't know when i will choose to leave...someday maybe..

i feel bad after what happened that day...

when everyone was there and hurting me...

that was a hard time for me after being at there for so many years..

what i get is i need to apologize to the person that hurts me..

what i get is i lost some friends and there is a wall..

and the person that hurts me still moves on like nothing,

because they don't think they're wrong..

and i'm the one that people think i'm bad after all?

is that fair to me....?

i was thinking maybe i doesn't belong to this place anymore...

i feel stress,unhappy,suffer.....

who cares about that?i don't have parents to protect me..

but it doesn't mean you have the right to do that on me...

i just hate it.....i choose to let go...

but still...it's hard for me....

lord...help me...hold me by Your words please...

help me to forgive those that hurts me...

help me to be strong enough everytime i face them...