is hard ....

i was trying so hard......
to control my tears today......
last semester in advanced diploma...
i'm going to UK very soon...i thought...
everything will goes well.......
but it is not what i want n what i wish to see today.....
i passed my resit paper which i already resit for 2nd time...
i passed with B-,what a happy grade i saw....
the next moment i saw C-...
for my main subject.....
i was like wth.....i failed ?!!!
yes....i was fail.......
but seriously i thank god that i passed statistic...
i was so so so worry it will fail again...
who knows...
i failed another one..
god must be kidding with me...
the feelings is bad like shit.............
friends around me are finally can fly with no worries..
but me....
what i can do is wait...n work hard...
is hard to control my tears..
but i finally can't take it anymore..
cried n cried..........
n still...... cried.......
now i know why ppl cry because of results..
i never thought i will cry because of results..
never..........
thought it can be so bad......................

without your accompany,it is a sleepless night..
wish you are here whenever i need you right by my side..

爱...

爱情真的是难以抓摸...
这一刻他对你说爱你疼你守护你..
这一刻他对你说想你喜欢你想见你..
这一刻他对你说对不起我不会再放开你..
这一刻他对你说你愿意嫁给我让我与你渡过一生吗...
爱情也是很难以明白...
下一刻他对你说一天不说爱你都不行吗..
下一刻他对你说今天不是很得空见你..
下一刻他对你说对不起我不得不放开你..
下一刻他对你说你会找到比我更好的来照顾你...
很多时候在恋爱当中我们无法预测,无法抓摸,无法明白..
在甜蜜时刻总是陶醉在甜言蜜语里...
在吵架时候总是反复在胡思乱想里...
在冷战时候总是徘徊在继续与放弃之间...
有时这样的感觉真的让人很疲倦...
都在想到底何时才找到真正对的人..
都在想当初不是因为适合才在一起的吗..
都在想当初不是因为他先说喜欢你的吗..
都在想当初不是因为他的坚持打动你的吗..
爱情就是这么一回事吧...
总是无法用当初来比较,总是无法期待对方改变...
有时问题来的时候往往不是因为对方的问题而是自己...
因为一段感情出现问题是需要双方来负责任的..
当你越是觉得错的不是自己的时候往往问题就是来自自己..
爱情似乎是很简单可是却会是很复杂的...
当你爱过你被爱过,放弃或是被放弃过,
当你还是无法抓住幸福当你还是错过幸福时...
你还是要等..等待有那么的一天你是可以找到最终的那个...
你无法去看别的情侣有多么的稳定,多么的幸福,
因为当你这样想的时候或许在表示说你在怀疑你的决定..
因为当初不就是你们都同意和对方在一起才开始恋情的吗..
那就好好维持好好迁就好好相爱吧...
说得容易但是真正去实行很难吧...
也许这就是爱情吧...
无论你的恋情是到了一个怎样的地步...
好好的思考为什么会这样...
好好的思考为何要伤害对方..
如果你是在逃避那请你别恋爱吧...
因为一旦开始了一段恋情你就必须要有责任..
逃避只会伤害爱你的那个...
逃避只会让爱你的人泪水满面...
那又何苦呢?
如果你是选择逃避那当初就别告诉她你会好好爱她..
如果你的心是无法有那么大的容量,
如果你的心是还没预备好谈恋爱..
那就不要开始吧...
或许你也不想伤害她..
那就请你把事情搞清楚好让对方明白...
你是爱她就别再这样折磨她...
爱情不是游戏而是一件幸福的事...
要爱就好好爱下去...
无法爱就不要谈爱...

我只是在分享自己的感受..
也看见身边人的遭遇而有此感受..
也是在提醒自己和爱我的那个..
我只想自己幸福也想身边的人幸福..
好好爱自己好好爱对方..

一个人

有时真的很喜欢一个人的感觉...
因为...
一个人时才能真正安静下来去看周围的人和事..
一个人时才能真正去感受自己的感觉...
所以...
一个人并不奇怪也不难过...
一个人可以很自在很潇洒...

我还蛮喜欢一个人看戏
那种感觉虽然有点孤单可是却是另一种享受...
虽然身边坐的人或许很讨人厌或是人会觉得我奇怪...
可是就是喜欢偶尔与自己相处的时间...
今天是年初二...
今年的过年对我来说是很不同,
因为爸爸的情况所以我们都没回家乡..
我从年三十晚到今天都在家..
听起来闷可是我还好..
不过刚才真的忍不住了所以就决定了和自己相处..
我选择了一个人看戏...
可是看完戏想找人陪时却找不到...
心里难免有点失落...
不过我就这样的开心的笑着看戏...
感觉还不错 =]

可爱的熊陪伴我...

今年的过年让我心情有点复杂...
你发生意外到你回到家发生的事都让我很乱..
我乱是因为我没办法帮到你,没办法见到你给你帮助...
我担心你也看不见你..
但是我却很感恩因为你平安无事...
那种感觉很难去平衡...
我真的无能为力只能为你祈祷....
已经好久没见到你好久没好好和你聊天..
这一切对我来说都很重要,
一天没通话我会很难过,很难入睡...
可是你却好像不感受不到...也不觉得重要似的...
有时真的怀疑是我很幼稚吗...
我的要求好像是幼稚的任性...我有点难以平衡...
可是我这次真的不会那么容易放弃了...

今年让我更复杂的是我爸爸...
他自从出院后都有点虚弱更回到以前那个忧郁的样子..
有时我真的不知道要怎样面对他了..
好像逃避不照顾他可是却做不出...
看见妈妈和哥哥都付出那么多时间和耐心更让我惭愧...
你毕竟是我爸爸,没有你就不会有我..
最近我都常在一旁看着你的眼神你的脸...
爸,你真的老了很多...
你已经开始听不清楚也散忘了很多...
你的眼神很无神，你的笑容也憔悴...
我虽然还是气你可是却难掩心痛的感觉...
那种感觉是那么的痛...
有时我真的觉得很累..
因为照顾妈妈的责任已经加在我身上了..
我做的每件事都必须顾虑妈妈的感受，
也必须体会她的心情...
我不期望你能像以前那样载妈妈到处去...
可是至少你积极点好不好...
我看见哥哥劳心劳力那么疲倦的照顾你我更难过...
我只希望你能坚强的挨过去...

我并不是要把自己排挤...
可是有时真的很不想多说也不想参与...
真的没心情...有时不是一两句的笑话就能让人开心的...
不明白就是不明白，是无法体会别人的感受的...
所以不要说你明白你知道..
我知道这一切都是在迁就在帮助我走出不开心的时刻...
可是有时我真的没有心情和体力...
你们没有经历过是永远不会明白的...
如果有一天你们的亲人需要被照顾的时候...
你们或许能明白那种的心情..
能不能接受我就是这样...
能不能问候下我的感受...
或许最近真的有点乱...压力...
请原谅我.....

我目前只是想这样............
不能接受我就不要靠近我吧...
我不想伤害人也没有这个意思...

纳闷的心情

有时真的觉得很纳闷...
虽然不是第一次有这种感觉...
可是有时真的很讨厌这种感觉...
我讨厌自己的不坚持和心软...
我讨厌自己的犹豫不决...
真的很不喜欢可是我知道自己很难改掉....
我就是这样的做不了决定,就是这样的拒绝不了...
明明自己是很不原意很不想要接受可是我就是这样的接受了..
明明自己是那么不甘愿做可使就是做了..
我知道我常会被讲是自己拿来衰的可是我就是这样...
我常常都不是在跟自己的决定来做选择,
过后就很多的埋怨和后悔...
我真的觉得自己好像有种病就是做不了决定...
我该怎么办呢...
我的决定好像都变成不是自己的决定了...
活得开心吗?又何必呢?
可是自己就是那么的依赖人然后就自己生闷气...
有时还真的很想哭...
我明明很想要做这个决定可是却觉得没有人可以接受...
到底是我的问题吗?
我知道是自己喜欢的自己需要的可是就是没办法做下决定...
我真的有那么大的问题吗....

很懊恼很纳闷很犹豫很矛盾很反感很讨厌很无奈很自责......
好想跑到山上然后大喊...
好像把自己的脑袋拿出来放着不用它...
好像把自己的人撕开再分散处理..
突然的我觉得生活很精崩,
不是因为读书而是周遭...
我没有办法同时间做两件事...
突然要在自己的中心点做出选择...
我一向以来都以为这样是没有问题
可是当东西不断在增加变化时
我发现自己一向以来的中心点没有办法再做中心点...
我发现我已经不能再做自己想要的...
我满足了自己却同时伤害到至亲
满足了至亲却满足不到自己
满足了朋友却满足不到自己
满足了自己却满足不到朋友
我该怎么办呢......
很烦闷很无助很难受很忧郁很无能很无力很挣扎.....
我的世界简单得来复杂又灰暗不喜欢就别来碰我吧...
我就是这样奇怪不讨喜的....
我不是人群中的焦点所以我觉得还好...
我纯粹发泄...让我这样吧....

just my thought...

in this new year..
i was actually telling myself that i'm going to forget everything..
everything that happened before this,
i did feel bad all the time when all these appear in my mind...
but still this is new year,
of course i want everything begins with new...
but this month i feel tension,feel bad when thinking about something..
think about exams,
i feel so so so stress because of the resit paper,
it's statistic....this is so omg paper for me...
i keep telling myself that i can do it,
because i spend my time to attend class,and i did do those questions..
i actually feel better after praying before start the revision..
i really don't want to fail it again...
i must pass it and go UK ....
i want a better future with better certificate so that i can give my parents a better life..
just today my dad is in operation because of his heart blockage,bypass operation,
he is consider serious condition so it is a must to do the operation..
i decided to visit him before he went it the wad..
it has been some time that i didn't really look at him more than 5 minutes..
today,i really can see that he is getting older..
i know he actually feel scare with the operation,
i saw his hands shaking before enter the operation room,
he feel cold also worry...
but what i can do it ask him to stay calm and we will see him later..
i know he will be fine...
but suddenly i feel like my heart is crying,
this is first time i saw dad in this condition...
also is first time i feel like the tears didn't drop,
but it's just like tearing in my heart...
i know i didn't treat him well before this...
i just hope he will be fine after this operation..
its takes time for me to forgive you...
i just want to say sorry....

i just feel like being alone for sometime..
not even spend time with the love one,
because i just prefer this way....
if this make you feel uncomfortable,
i don't know what to say...
when things around are putting me in a crazy temple,
i really feel like being alone...
the last month in 2010,is a tiring month,
crazy busy month....
i just feel like talk to someone...
but i just feel like there is no one...
no one can really understand the whole thing...
so just better to stay alone...
sorry for being weird for whatever is it..
somehow..i really prefer this...
when i say or do something,
definitely i have my own reason..
i just want to have my own decision...
but i don't know since when my decision seems like not my decision...lol
i just hope this new year i can have
my own thought,own decision,own way...
this is me...bei er....

happy blessed new year~

无法预知的未来...

很多东西都是无法预测的...
不知道什么时候会发生也不知道什么时候会停止...
未来...更是一个未知数...
我常常把自己的未来想得很完美，很简单又满足...
我常希望可以读完书就做工，努力赚钱养自己和好好孝敬妈妈...
我要把最好的都给她，买辆车然后可以载她四处去玩...
然后就可以和我爱的人结婚,有个美满的生活，再生小孩...
生了小孩，妈妈就可以抱孙了!!呵呵...家里又热闹，又幸福...
那就是我人生中最最最大的愿望...
可以当我是天真吧，又或者是很笨没有大志...
可是此刻的我真的是如此...
但是随着日子一天一天的过，
我发现很多事情都是未知数...
不管我再怎样努力的想，盼望，到后来还是个未知数...
我和你之间也是个无法预测的未来...
我每一次都在想象我们的未来...
你虽然并不是完美的那一个，可是却让我觉得稳重...
我们有些时候都会因为某些事而小争吵...
我每一次都很难过，没有人喜欢吵架...
因为每一次吵架就会在心里留下疤痕...
但是每一次我都还是很想说...我真的不想这么轻易放弃...
做了决定，不能就这么轻易放弃，
我没有别人的聪明，大量，善解人意...
可是我会努力的把自己的缺点拿掉...
我们能不能走到未来的那一天...
你是否是那个在我的未来的画面里的那一个...
我又是不是你心中最好的那一个...
这一切都似乎都很模糊...
这无法预知的一切....
是否能让我们两一起去探索....
我希望我们可以...
我希望自己不是你的绊脚石...
我希望自己能更坚强...好让你不会被我的话伤害...
我不想我的出现对你来说是个阻碍...
我真的希望自己的付出是会带来未来，带来结果...
我希望自己带给你幸福而不是负担...

无法预知的未来...................
到底是个怎样的未来...............

the feelings ...

do you know some words can really kills someone?

when you plan to do something,have you ever try to think about the consequences?

do you know the definition of the word?

until now...i still can't forget...

the words of ''backstab'',you pointed me with the word backstabber...

it's the first time also the only one...

maybe there are so many people think i'm like a backstabber but never voice out..

but when the particular person purposely come and scold me with this word...

i was stunned,and i was like...do you need to use this word on me?

why people can still hold and find thousand of excuse when they are wrong?

why people can just turn a big round just because they don't want to admit?

why must them choose the way that will hurts people in this way?

i still can't understand..

if i choose to walk away when i saw you,

please don't ever say is my problem..

is because i don't know when will you come and tell me i'm backstabbing you in front of others people..

if i choose to sit with you,

it doesn't mean i really agree with you,

it doesn't mean i choose to trust in you..

the moment you and others plan to point on me in front of them,

do you ever think about my feelings?

is it fair to me?and yea,i apologize it...

but what i get in the end?

people trying to used different eye sight to look at me...

while you still enjoying over there like nothing happen before..

my feelings are just like living in hell..

and i feel like shouting to myself all the time..

because of you,i lost my friends..

don't blame me when i choose to walk away when you want to talk to me..

because i still not ready for anything that comes from you n others..

for almost 10 years i staying at the place,

i never meet someone like you before..

and i never meet someone that hurt me like you before and still can laugh like nothing happen before..

i never handle someone like you before..

i never feel that pain before just because of you n your so call friends..

the moment i look at you guys,i don't have any feelings but the only things i do is i choose to put my smile on my face and walk away,i can't find any better way for me to treat you guys..

i will never forget the day...the only day in my life...

i wish i can shout to you like the way you did on me...

but i can't...

i wish i can forget and move on,

but i can't...

the feelings is so real.....

don't try to talk to me if that is not comes from your heart..

i meant it...just stay away from me...

i hate the word backstab...please think before you say it..

whatever i do, i will admit it,but for the word backstab,i really can't take it..

stop acting like you are innocent...

i feel sick with everything....