i HATE you!!!!!!

oh my gosh....today was totally a bad day for me...
i cant stop thinking about what happened this morning...
long time i din cry for damn long while i'm driving...
i think the last time i cry in that way is because of love bah...
but then this morning,i cry n cry...not because of love...
but is about my family member-my dad....
he never treat me in that way before...
he never behave in that way before...
he just like....totally different from last time...
he just like....lost control,already ki siao ...
damn it......shit it....$@#$$##$@$#@%$#^
i know i can't blame him because he also don't know what is his doing right now..
i know he needs help from us,but then...is hard for me to talk to him anymore..
because...i HATE him...i really really hate him from today onwards...
i don't know why-he will become that crazy!
i don't know when-will him stop everything that he is doing right now!
i don't know what-can make him back to normal!
i don't know who-can really stop him and talk to him anymore!
i don't know where-to go when i really feel like wanna slap him!
i don't know how....to make myself to love my dad again....
it's hurt when i look at him but i can't do anything..
it's hurt when i look at him but he don't know my heart is pain because of him..
it's hurt when i look at him but he can't really feel me...
it's bad when i said i hate him...
it's bad when i said i wanna slap him..
it's bad when i said i don't know how to love him anymore..
just imagine if everyday of your life, you need to live together with someone that crazy,mad,out of control,can scold you like hell then turn back sing a song to you like nothing happen....how long can you tahan..?
my answer is...i can't take it,i can't tahan anymore....
i really wish i can run away from here although i know it is impossible..
i really wish that i can fully use my love to hug him,and tell him that i really care about him...
but then...i really out of idea....i'm tired with everything...
i gonna be like him soon,gonna be crazy like him...
can anyone just pull me out from here...?
everyday when i woke up,the 1st thing that came accross my mind was...
can i choose to sleep for whole life so that i don't have to face him..?
then the 2nd thing ...
can i choose to stop my studies...?i started to feel lost....confuse...scared..
i don't know what i want,i don't know am i doing the right thing?
i can't really concentrate with my assignments...
then the 3rd thing...
can i just pretend like everthing is fine?
i can't...my tears easily drop when i think or talk about this...
can i have a remote control to control my tears...?lolx..
i getting weaker and weaker in my life....
my faith is shaking...because too much of things that happened recently and i can't escape from it...
chocolate also can't cure my sadness,shopping,eating,laughing,playing also can't cure anything...

dear lord...please...please...show me your way...
please...tell me that everything will be fine..
please...tell me that i can overcome all my weakness...
please...bring me out from here....i just want a simple life...

my birthday coming soon...
but all things,all mood spoiled because of you...
i just hope....my birthday wish will come true..
which is....you will be fine soon,
and i can really choose to forgive you with a blessing heart...


to my dear darling,im sorry that i can't accompany you when you really need me..
sometimes,i really feel bad in my heart till i don't know how to share with you..
please give me some time to make things clear and can have some good time with you..
please forgive me.....i just want you to know,i really love you and care about you..
i pray that our relationship can still be strong no matter how many problems and stresses that we going to face in future..