You are my Father...

i wish i dare to just give a hug to my dad..

i wish i dare to say i forgive you and i love you dad...

everytime i pray,i told myself that i will forgive and love him...

but how many times i failed...

i can't even talk nicely to you...

i feel the pain in my heart...

i feel the anger in my heart...

i know i might have no chance to do it someday...

i might feel regret...

but i really can't control myself...

look at others family,the way they communicate with their parents,

the way they share God's loves among each other...

i wish i can do it too...

but i can't even take the first move...

i just wish to say i want to accept you...

when i listen to this song...You are my Father...

it's doesn't matter where i run You're there for me,

it's doesn't matter what I've done Your love's for me,

You wipe away the tears,You lift me when i fall,

My life is safe by the mercy of your grace,

it's doesn't matter where i go You walk with me,

it's doesn't matter when i fall You cover me,

You wipe away the tears,You lift me when i fall,

My life is safe by the mercy of your grace,

You are my Father,Provider,You're my Deliverer,

Your mercies embrace me,surround me,

through Your everlasting love,

Father I worship you,Father I worship You,

and Your love is for me,Your love is for me,

and Your love is forever...

dear Father in the heaven,

i pray hard that my life can become a light that can lead and guides my family and friends with Your love...

i pray that i can forgive my dad as You've forgive all my sins...

i just pray that my words can reach You there...

and Your words will be in my heart as forever...

i just need Your strength to walk through it...Amen

i know i will be fine...

when you want to point on me...
please come to me...
i will admit my fault and do changes...
but to deal and settle the problem there is always a way...
i did feel hurt in my heart...
i don't know how to face it after all...
i'm just a normal human being,i do have my own feelings too...
don't think you are the only one that will feel bad...
the sad thing i saw from there is people never admit their bad...
why?i don't understand why...why they can't see there is a problem?
but turn a big round,still is my fault...
what else can i say?
sometimes i pray that if there is other choice for me,
i will pray that God will show me the way to the right place..
maybe the place right now doesn't belong to me?
maybe the people right there are not really suitable for me?
i really feel like giving up sometimes...heart broken...
felt apart,and felt apart,got back up again and again...
and still there are many things happening around...
i'm glad that through out the camp,
God show me the way...i feel better...
but still i know there are people that started to changed to way they used to be..
i can feel it although they didn't tell me..
because from the way they talk,the way they act...
i already know...the feelings of being rejected is there...
but i keep telling myself that everything is fine..
i know i will be fine as long as i face it...
because i still got friends that belong to me,
true friends that be with me...
and the one that always be with me all the time..
i feel thankful that you always be with me...
everyday,every moment,you will be there to cheer me up..
thanks for your understanding...
thanks for your words...
i pray that someday you will feel the love of my God =)

我...

我要的什么你都给...
你要的我好像学不会...
我很难顶吧?我很脆弱...真的很脆弱...
我很奇怪吧?我想很多...真的想很多...
之前都看不见我的缺点吧...?
之前都不觉得我原来是那么忧愁,那么难侍候吧...?
之前都好像觉得我是个不错的选择吧...?
我是个奇怪脑袋充满思想的女人..
我是个多愁善感的女人...
我是个要求很多可是却没达到要求的人...
我是个看起来好像善良的好人...
我总是爱哭....
什么时候只要想到什么都可以轻易掉泪...
可以什么东西都哭一场然后就这样睡着...
所以别在我哭的时候叫我别哭...
因为那只会让我无法停止哭泣...
我哭是因为我在乎,我害怕,我懦弱....
我总是在要求,总是在期盼别人对我的好...
我终于明白一直原地不动的是自己...
自己的自私,自己的思想...
你...觉得累了吧....?
我告诉自己这一次我是不会那么快放弃...
我告诉自己我是可以接受一切...
我告诉自己我不会再去在乎一切我没有的...
我告诉自己...我会为我在乎的去争取...
我告诉自己...我会改变自己让一切变得更好...
我告诉自己...我会学会更独立...
我告诉自己.......
你要的,你想的,我都会学会,都会改变...
直到有一天你感受到我的改变....
我不会就这样放手.....



可是....
你...是否开始觉得很累...?
你...是否觉得后悔...?
我的出现好像把你的世界涂上灰色了....
我只想说....
可以让我们好好的为这世界涂上幸福快乐的色彩吗....?
你听见了吗.........?
你感受到吗.........?

random post...

aikz..the father is back to the house again...
i wish he will stay over there n don't come back for now...
really need a peaceful world...
i know is bad to think like that...
but then when you never fall into this kind of situation,u will never know..
it's suffering................
i wish i can run away from here...
i know i almost fall into the same situation with my dad...
but i just cant stop myself thinking all the time....
started to lost my way,lost direction in many way..
heartless with everything im doing right now...
i know what should i do,but then it's just like a wall...
a wall that blocking me to reach the destination...
different perspective,different lifestyle...
everything is different...
two different world really hard to be together?
i would say yes...
sometimes,no matter how u change,
different means different...
nothing means nothing...
i dont feel like hurting anyone that want to change for me...
sometimes u can feel it without any words that will only make u feel bad..
i just want things to be simple...


take a deep breath.....
i must overcome it,find the way that supposed to be...
dear god,please renew my life...
i need a direction....

安静...

这几天...我觉得很安静...
突然觉得周围变得安静...
也许是生病了,总是在找床睡觉...
电话把它关上声音,因为没人找我..
也不想去碰电话...也很懒惰驾车...
只想赖在房间里...觉得很安静...
我不需要去理会自己有没有时间分配出来做什么事情..
我可以暂时不去碰功课..
我可以暂时不用去接触任何人...
总之就是觉得安静就对了..
也许主要关键是电话没响吧...
我也不需要去按信息,也不需要等信息..
就觉得真个系统停止操作了...
那种感觉原本很难受...
可是却突然让我觉得很安静,蛮舒服的..
我甚至在想,如果每天都这样会怎样呢?
每天起身,吃吃喝喝,上网,睡觉...
想东西让我觉得很累...
突然不想去想了..
想了只会让我心痛...
上网只为了等...等个回应...
可是当我每隔几个小时去看的时候,
我却还是等不到,更是看不到回应...
失落...让我觉得我是不是不应该等呢...?
很矛盾的心情.....
让我觉得不如就让我过着安静的生活吧..
安静在自己的思想..
安静在自己的生活..
只有自己...感觉好像有点孤独..但是又舒服...矛盾吧!
当我想找个聊的朋友时...
我才发现我好像失去了她这个朋友...
我该怎样补救呢...我不知道...
我的问题吧,一向来都是我的问题..
我会改...让我安静的改掉我一切的坏...
让我安静的爱着心里面的你..
让我安静的做决定..
让我安静的听你说..
让我安静的在你身旁..因为有时我真的觉得讲话很累人...
让我安静的有自己的想法..因为我很希望自己的想法得到尊重..
让我安静的......
休息...............
病得累.....
想得累.....
等得累.....
讲得累.....
做得累.....
请让我.....安静......的生活....

i wish...

sometimes,you have to make a decision,
if that is what you want,then just go for it..
if not,what for still suffering over here ...?
i don't understand,is my fault i guess..
i wish...i have a big space of heart...
to understand,to take it,to accept,to forgive and LET GO...
how many times i shout it loud to myself,damn it,why i can't just LET IT BE N LET IT GO?!!
i used to care about it so much till i feel hurt in the end..
and yea,im not the most unlucky one in the world...
but why??why when i choose to believe it,then the bad feeling comes to me?
i thought this is not supposed to be like this?
im trying hard to take it and forget about it...
i thought i can.. but its make me feel suffering ..
and i didnt see anything,cant feel anything from there...
is it my fault?is it real that i really cant see and feel it?
am i not good enough?yea..im not,because i dont know how to pretend at all..
i dont know how to pretend like nothing happen,
i dont know how to pretend like im OKAY with everything,
i dont know how to pretend like im STRONG enough..
i dont know how to understand people's situation at all..
n yea im now facing my problem and again i THOUGHT ...
there is some help they offering by anyone,anywhere..
im just so stupid to thought that there is some miracle,
there is something that i can rely on..
i thought i can try to understand the whole thing..
but i cant,just because i cant see any effort over there..
i guess the problem is from me..
because the problem always is from me,because im thinking too much.
this is what i always heard,but what makes me think in that way?
can it be like try to think twice before put the judgement on me?


i wish...i really wish...
there is a machine for me to delete ALL the memories,
delete ALL the hell things that in my mind,
delete ALL ... i wish..
because i don't know how to move on anymore..
i hate the feeling now..
everyday .. almost everyday..
i wish that i can start it all over again..
i wish there is something for me..
i thought there is some help from there...
but i couldnt see it....
im not going to pretend anymore..
because i hate to pretend like im strong enough to face it...
all i wish is...give me back all the goods of everything..
if there is a chance for me,
i will choose to stop and go back to the past...
because i cant feel it anymore...


i wish........
there is nothing happen before...
at least...i wont have that bad feelings right now...
all i want is just.....
the old me n the old memories that are memorable..
i wish........i can be strong enough to let go everything...

but not the things that i treasured.........

就这样..

好像没有真正祝自己生日快乐...
祝我生日快乐...
今年...我21岁了...
我在这个世界生存了21年...
一天一天的长大,周围的事也越来越不同...
直到今天,我已经是个大人了...
看着在学走路,学讲话的小孩子,
再看自己现在已经会走路讲话甚至是思考...
觉得很奇妙...人就是这样慢慢的长大了...
小孩在长大过程学走路会跌倒...
大人在成长过程也依然会跌倒,受伤的...
我还在经历着....
朋友都会把这一年搞得盛大,特别,好让自己留下灿烂的回忆..
可是我却没有,因为觉得不想花父母的钱,
反正没有必要,那就让我的生日这样的过吧...
每年的我都是和朋友一起过,吃餐好的再吹蛋糕,
可是偏偏今年...觉得我的生日好冷清...
人缘不好吧...连看戏都变得少人...
还要自以为会有什么的...够白痴吧...
结果...自己失望,好好的睡一觉...
就这样...也许长大了吧,就让一切平凡吧...
我不就是想要过着平凡生活吗?
现在真的如愿以偿了...呵呵..
我就这样的上了一堂课...
我不再...不再.....去期望不可能的东西...
因为我不比别人来得幸运甚至是好命...人缘也不好吧...
越想要人记得,人偏偏就忘记...
越想要人忘记,人偏偏就记得...
我不再渴望人记得...因为我并不重要....
我会好好的就是了.......

今年我的愿望是...
希望家人永远开心..
希望自己可以开心的过着我的新生活..
希望.......... =)
happy birthday to me =)