the feelings ...

do you know some words can really kills someone?

when you plan to do something,have you ever try to think about the consequences?

do you know the definition of the word?

until now...i still can't forget...

the words of ''backstab'',you pointed me with the word backstabber...

it's the first time also the only one...

maybe there are so many people think i'm like a backstabber but never voice out..

but when the particular person purposely come and scold me with this word...

i was stunned,and i was like...do you need to use this word on me?

why people can still hold and find thousand of excuse when they are wrong?

why people can just turn a big round just because they don't want to admit?

why must them choose the way that will hurts people in this way?

i still can't understand..

if i choose to walk away when i saw you,

please don't ever say is my problem..

is because i don't know when will you come and tell me i'm backstabbing you in front of others people..

if i choose to sit with you,

it doesn't mean i really agree with you,

it doesn't mean i choose to trust in you..

the moment you and others plan to point on me in front of them,

do you ever think about my feelings?

is it fair to me?and yea,i apologize it...

but what i get in the end?

people trying to used different eye sight to look at me...

while you still enjoying over there like nothing happen before..

my feelings are just like living in hell..

and i feel like shouting to myself all the time..

because of you,i lost my friends..

don't blame me when i choose to walk away when you want to talk to me..

because i still not ready for anything that comes from you n others..

for almost 10 years i staying at the place,

i never meet someone like you before..

and i never meet someone that hurt me like you before and still can laugh like nothing happen before..

i never handle someone like you before..

i never feel that pain before just because of you n your so call friends..

the moment i look at you guys,i don't have any feelings but the only things i do is i choose to put my smile on my face and walk away,i can't find any better way for me to treat you guys..

i will never forget the day...the only day in my life...

i wish i can shout to you like the way you did on me...

but i can't...

i wish i can forget and move on,

but i can't...

the feelings is so real.....

don't try to talk to me if that is not comes from your heart..

i meant it...just stay away from me...

i hate the word backstab...please think before you say it..

whatever i do, i will admit it,but for the word backstab,i really can't take it..

stop acting like you are innocent...

i feel sick with everything....

......

need some help...

but don't feel like get help directly...

need some help...

but never expect people around will always be there...

some might don't understand because they don't have to understand..

some might don't understand because they don't even want to understand...

some might don't understand because they don't feel like is worth to understand..

when i need help...

only i realized that there is no any hands for me...

feel like everything become transparent...

it could be my fault...

somehow i feel like who cares?

when people are having good life,new things,

who cares that you are living in a hole..

oh wait...

i'm the one that choose to face it all by myself...

so just forget about it....

trying hard to ignore the feelings....

problem still there,i'm still alive...

leave it to the only one.....pls..listen to my prayer....

有些东西都是看你有没有心罢了......

口里说在乎可是做的却是另一些事情...

或许真的志同道合的人才能在一起寻找快乐吧...

失望...无言......算了....

失去的总会有些是无法挽回的....

家...永远是我温暖的避风港....

final semester in my life...

it's final semester already...

which also mean that i almost finish my 4 years studies in Tarcollege..

there is a question that keep appearing in my mind...

go or not to go?should i go UK for 3 months to get my degree?

i know is a waste if i choose not to go...

but when back to reality,i know there will be a problem for me when come to the time i need to return all the loans...

if i choose not to go,means i have to find a job after this...

if i choose to go,means i need to work super double hard due to my limited english problem...

i know this is a problem for me,i was worrying that can't speak well,do well...

what if when others keep asking me the reason for not going?

what if when others feel bad when i decide not to go?

what if....there is none of them support my decision?

but i really worry that i can't graduate with a better results over there...

this final semester will be very stress to me...

the paper to resit is my second time of resit this...

mathematics...if still fail,means i no need to think about oversea at all..

if pass,then it will be great!!!

attending class alone with strangers are weird for me..

but what to do...no one will accompany me because that is my paper..

aikz...just trying my best.....

i know is bad to hurts someone that being good to me..

but sometimes when you trying too hard,its really make me feel bad..

because i know there is nothing going to happen ...

i'm clear with myself...

because there is no space in my heart anymore..

there is someone,something that is important to me...

i thought it's quite clear all the time,

because i just want a normal relationship...

i won't accept it,because i don't want the same thing happen again..

and i'm not worth for anyone to being good to me..

i'm not that good,or kind....

i don't know when i will choose to leave...someday maybe..

i feel bad after what happened that day...

when everyone was there and hurting me...

that was a hard time for me after being at there for so many years..

what i get is i need to apologize to the person that hurts me..

what i get is i lost some friends and there is a wall..

and the person that hurts me still moves on like nothing,

because they don't think they're wrong..

and i'm the one that people think i'm bad after all?

is that fair to me....?

i was thinking maybe i doesn't belong to this place anymore...

i feel stress,unhappy,suffer.....

who cares about that?i don't have parents to protect me..

but it doesn't mean you have the right to do that on me...

i just hate it.....i choose to let go...

but still...it's hard for me....

lord...help me...hold me by Your words please...

help me to forgive those that hurts me...

help me to be strong enough everytime i face them...

You are my Father...

i wish i dare to just give a hug to my dad..

i wish i dare to say i forgive you and i love you dad...

everytime i pray,i told myself that i will forgive and love him...

but how many times i failed...

i can't even talk nicely to you...

i feel the pain in my heart...

i feel the anger in my heart...

i know i might have no chance to do it someday...

i might feel regret...

but i really can't control myself...

look at others family,the way they communicate with their parents,

the way they share God's loves among each other...

i wish i can do it too...

but i can't even take the first move...

i just wish to say i want to accept you...

when i listen to this song...You are my Father...

it's doesn't matter where i run You're there for me,

it's doesn't matter what I've done Your love's for me,

You wipe away the tears,You lift me when i fall,

My life is safe by the mercy of your grace,

it's doesn't matter where i go You walk with me,

it's doesn't matter when i fall You cover me,

You wipe away the tears,You lift me when i fall,

My life is safe by the mercy of your grace,

You are my Father,Provider,You're my Deliverer,

Your mercies embrace me,surround me,

through Your everlasting love,

Father I worship you,Father I worship You,

and Your love is for me,Your love is for me,

and Your love is forever...

dear Father in the heaven,

i pray hard that my life can become a light that can lead and guides my family and friends with Your love...

i pray that i can forgive my dad as You've forgive all my sins...

i just pray that my words can reach You there...

and Your words will be in my heart as forever...

i just need Your strength to walk through it...Amen

i know i will be fine...

when you want to point on me...
please come to me...
i will admit my fault and do changes...
but to deal and settle the problem there is always a way...
i did feel hurt in my heart...
i don't know how to face it after all...
i'm just a normal human being,i do have my own feelings too...
don't think you are the only one that will feel bad...
the sad thing i saw from there is people never admit their bad...
why?i don't understand why...why they can't see there is a problem?
but turn a big round,still is my fault...
what else can i say?
sometimes i pray that if there is other choice for me,
i will pray that God will show me the way to the right place..
maybe the place right now doesn't belong to me?
maybe the people right there are not really suitable for me?
i really feel like giving up sometimes...heart broken...
felt apart,and felt apart,got back up again and again...
and still there are many things happening around...
i'm glad that through out the camp,
God show me the way...i feel better...
but still i know there are people that started to changed to way they used to be..
i can feel it although they didn't tell me..
because from the way they talk,the way they act...
i already know...the feelings of being rejected is there...
but i keep telling myself that everything is fine..
i know i will be fine as long as i face it...
because i still got friends that belong to me,
true friends that be with me...
and the one that always be with me all the time..
i feel thankful that you always be with me...
everyday,every moment,you will be there to cheer me up..
thanks for your understanding...
thanks for your words...
i pray that someday you will feel the love of my God =)

我...

我要的什么你都给...
你要的我好像学不会...
我很难顶吧?我很脆弱...真的很脆弱...
我很奇怪吧?我想很多...真的想很多...
之前都看不见我的缺点吧...?
之前都不觉得我原来是那么忧愁,那么难侍候吧...?
之前都好像觉得我是个不错的选择吧...?
我是个奇怪脑袋充满思想的女人..
我是个多愁善感的女人...
我是个要求很多可是却没达到要求的人...
我是个看起来好像善良的好人...
我总是爱哭....
什么时候只要想到什么都可以轻易掉泪...
可以什么东西都哭一场然后就这样睡着...
所以别在我哭的时候叫我别哭...
因为那只会让我无法停止哭泣...
我哭是因为我在乎,我害怕,我懦弱....
我总是在要求,总是在期盼别人对我的好...
我终于明白一直原地不动的是自己...
自己的自私,自己的思想...
你...觉得累了吧....?
我告诉自己这一次我是不会那么快放弃...
我告诉自己我是可以接受一切...
我告诉自己我不会再去在乎一切我没有的...
我告诉自己...我会为我在乎的去争取...
我告诉自己...我会改变自己让一切变得更好...
我告诉自己...我会学会更独立...
我告诉自己.......
你要的,你想的,我都会学会,都会改变...
直到有一天你感受到我的改变....
我不会就这样放手.....



可是....
你...是否开始觉得很累...?
你...是否觉得后悔...?
我的出现好像把你的世界涂上灰色了....
我只想说....
可以让我们好好的为这世界涂上幸福快乐的色彩吗....?
你听见了吗.........?
你感受到吗.........?