有时真的觉得很纳闷...
虽然不是第一次有这种感觉...
可是有时真的很讨厌这种感觉...
我讨厌自己的不坚持和心软...
我讨厌自己的犹豫不决...
真的很不喜欢可是我知道自己很难改掉....
我就是这样的做不了决定,就是这样的拒绝不了...
明明自己是很不原意很不想要接受可是我就是这样的接受了..
明明自己是那么不甘愿做可使就是做了..
我知道我常会被讲是自己拿来衰的可是我就是这样...
我常常都不是在跟自己的决定来做选择,
过后就很多的埋怨和后悔...
我真的觉得自己好像有种病就是做不了决定...
我该怎么办呢...
我的决定好像都变成不是自己的决定了...
活得开心吗?又何必呢?
可是自己就是那么的依赖人然后就自己生闷气...
有时还真的很想哭...
我明明很想要做这个决定可是却觉得没有人可以接受...
到底是我的问题吗?
我知道是自己喜欢的自己需要的可是就是没办法做下决定...
我真的有那么大的问题吗....
很懊恼很纳闷很犹豫很矛盾很反感很讨厌很无奈很自责......
好想跑到山上然后大喊...
好像把自己的脑袋拿出来放着不用它...
好像把自己的人撕开再分散处理..
突然的我觉得生活很精崩,
不是因为读书而是周遭...
我没有办法同时间做两件事...
突然要在自己的中心点做出选择...
我一向以来都以为这样是没有问题
可是当东西不断在增加变化时
我发现自己一向以来的中心点没有办法再做中心点...
我发现我已经不能再做自己想要的...
我满足了自己却同时伤害到至亲
满足了至亲却满足不到自己
满足了朋友却满足不到自己
满足了自己却满足不到朋友
我该怎么办呢......
很烦闷很无助很难受很忧郁很无能很无力很挣扎.....
我的世界简单得来复杂又灰暗不喜欢就别来碰我吧...
我就是这样奇怪不讨喜的....
我不是人群中的焦点所以我觉得还好...
我纯粹发泄...让我这样吧....
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
just my thought...
in this new year..
i was actually telling myself that i'm going to forget everything..
everything that happened before this,
i did feel bad all the time when all these appear in my mind...
but still this is new year,
of course i want everything begins with new...
but this month i feel tension,feel bad when thinking about something..
think about exams,
i feel so so so stress because of the resit paper,
it's statistic....this is so omg paper for me...
i keep telling myself that i can do it,
because i spend my time to attend class,and i did do those questions..
i actually feel better after praying before start the revision..
i really don't want to fail it again...
i must pass it and go UK ....
i want a better future with better certificate so that i can give my parents a better life..
just today my dad is in operation because of his heart blockage,bypass operation,
he is consider serious condition so it is a must to do the operation..
i decided to visit him before he went it the wad..
it has been some time that i didn't really look at him more than 5 minutes..
today,i really can see that he is getting older..
i know he actually feel scare with the operation,
i saw his hands shaking before enter the operation room,
he feel cold also worry...
but what i can do it ask him to stay calm and we will see him later..
i know he will be fine...
but suddenly i feel like my heart is crying,
this is first time i saw dad in this condition...
also is first time i feel like the tears didn't drop,
but it's just like tearing in my heart...
i know i didn't treat him well before this...
i just hope he will be fine after this operation..
its takes time for me to forgive you...
i just want to say sorry....
i just feel like being alone for sometime..
not even spend time with the love one,
because i just prefer this way....
if this make you feel uncomfortable,
i don't know what to say...
when things around are putting me in a crazy temple,
i really feel like being alone...
the last month in 2010,is a tiring month,
crazy busy month....
i just feel like talk to someone...
but i just feel like there is no one...
no one can really understand the whole thing...
so just better to stay alone...
sorry for being weird for whatever is it..
somehow..i really prefer this...
when i say or do something,
definitely i have my own reason..
i just want to have my own decision...
but i don't know since when my decision seems like not my decision...lol
i just hope this new year i can have
my own thought,own decision,own way...
this is me...bei er....
happy blessed new year~
i was actually telling myself that i'm going to forget everything..
everything that happened before this,
i did feel bad all the time when all these appear in my mind...
but still this is new year,
of course i want everything begins with new...
but this month i feel tension,feel bad when thinking about something..
think about exams,
i feel so so so stress because of the resit paper,
it's statistic....this is so omg paper for me...
i keep telling myself that i can do it,
because i spend my time to attend class,and i did do those questions..
i actually feel better after praying before start the revision..
i really don't want to fail it again...
i must pass it and go UK ....
i want a better future with better certificate so that i can give my parents a better life..
just today my dad is in operation because of his heart blockage,bypass operation,
he is consider serious condition so it is a must to do the operation..
i decided to visit him before he went it the wad..
it has been some time that i didn't really look at him more than 5 minutes..
today,i really can see that he is getting older..
i know he actually feel scare with the operation,
i saw his hands shaking before enter the operation room,
he feel cold also worry...
but what i can do it ask him to stay calm and we will see him later..
i know he will be fine...
but suddenly i feel like my heart is crying,
this is first time i saw dad in this condition...
also is first time i feel like the tears didn't drop,
but it's just like tearing in my heart...
i know i didn't treat him well before this...
i just hope he will be fine after this operation..
its takes time for me to forgive you...
i just want to say sorry....
i just feel like being alone for sometime..
not even spend time with the love one,
because i just prefer this way....
if this make you feel uncomfortable,
i don't know what to say...
when things around are putting me in a crazy temple,
i really feel like being alone...
the last month in 2010,is a tiring month,
crazy busy month....
i just feel like talk to someone...
but i just feel like there is no one...
no one can really understand the whole thing...
so just better to stay alone...
sorry for being weird for whatever is it..
somehow..i really prefer this...
when i say or do something,
definitely i have my own reason..
i just want to have my own decision...
but i don't know since when my decision seems like not my decision...lol
i just hope this new year i can have
my own thought,own decision,own way...
this is me...bei er....
happy blessed new year~
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