last post in 2009!!

终于,来到了年尾的最最最后一天了...

不知道大家的心情是如何呢?

很舍不得这一年?还是很想快快结束这一年?

这一年里有值得高兴的事?还是伤心连篇?

无论如何,我相信每个人都有自己的故事在心里是无法忘记的..

很多留言都说新的一年快到了,要不伤心的事忘掉...

其实有谁能真正忘掉呢?事情发生了就是发生了,是无法忘掉的..

唯有看自己用什么心态去接受和放下...

在这一年里...

我很感谢神的保守让我能平安顺利的渡过每一天...

感谢神保守我驾驶都安全,每天都能平安到家!!

家人都平安,一切的病痛都离开了!!

一切一切的...都因为神听我的祷告...我爱你,我的父 =)

当然我要感谢我的男人=)

感谢他在这一年的第一天带给我美好的开始..

感谢他的真心付出,他选择了在今年的第一天与我开始这段感情,

是因为在往年有不好的回忆在心里,所谓新的一年新的开始嘛=)

谢谢你...当然有好的开始不代表一切都顺利...

我们的感情就快满一年了,一年里我们的感情还真的受到蛮多挫折,

挫折,伤感,失望,受伤,甚至差点面临分开...

这一切一切都在发生着,可是我们依然走到今天...

我只想说...我想在新的一年里好好的爱你...

或许我们的感情已经不像开始那样的甜蜜,

但是我们都不曾放弃过为这段感情付出...

我不知道我们还有多少的周年去庆祝,

但是我只想好好的做好女朋友的本份,

用尽我所能的把最好的给你,

把坏习惯都改掉...只想让你知道...我是在乎你的 =)

我可爱的朋友们...很感谢你们的支持和鼓励..

很多时候都忽略了你们,也麻烦了你们...

因为很多时候都情绪化起来,搞到你们不懂要怎么和我沟通...

对不起...请原谅我...

有些时候真的不知该如何告诉你们我在想什么,

就连最好的朋友也不知如何告诉你们我内心深处的感受...

但是很庆幸你们还是对我那么好,关心我,支持我...

你知道我在说你和你和你吧.... =) 谢谢你们...

我的ji mui- hsia,yee,feh yee,elaine, mun ee..

我的dp gang- zhao,jhao,pca,jerry,gina...

我的classmates- sammy,meimei,johnson,amber...

我的special friend-suleen...

我的zombie - joseph...

我的mentor aka best friend- hannah...

以上特别被列名字的都是曾经把耳朵借给我听我诉苦的朋友们...

谢谢你们的包容,体谅,关心,照顾...

我的知己...茹芯...虽然我们越来越少见面聊天,

可是我依然把你放在我心里 =)

哈哈...长篇大论的都是想真心的表达我对你们的感受...

希望你们在新的一年里有很大的祝福,

无论学业,事业,爱情,家庭,健康,经济,凡事都被神眷顾 =)

我的家人....是我生命中最宝贵的财物...

我只希望大家都健康,平安...

我希望在新的一年里,我可以完全的原谅我的爸爸...

爸...我真的生气又讨厌你,甚至我自己也不明白为什么会这样...

可是...我知道你也不好受,因为我对你的伤害...

给我时间让我重新接受你,好好的爱你....

我亲爱的妈妈,我会更爱你!!!你是最棒的!!!

我的三个伟大又可爱的哥哥们...没有人比你们更好了!!

我爱我的家 =)

好啦...现在是下午无点钟,还有七个小时就是2010年了!!

也是.........我和我男人的一周年!!=)

希望我会更坚强,开心=)

希望你们所有所有的人都有个新的开始,开开心心!!!!

love you all...God blessssssss =)

H for HAIZ

yes..h for Haiz...in bei er's dictionary >.<
Haiz can be mean by you really feel speechless;
Haiz can be mean by you really feel sad,disappointed;
Haiz can be mean by you really feel frustrated;
haiz...
i dont how many thousand times i haiz today ><
but i just cant control...
cause i really feel bad and moody all day long...
and what make me feel that bad...?
because i expect too much on people again....
yes...too much...as usual.... :'(
no one understand my feelings,i know they are trying to cheer me up..
but the problem is...i really cant forget about it and pretend like nothing...
my feelings was totally sucks,bad,angry,sad,confuse,lost...
i really don't know what the hell wrong with me...
but then it's hurting me everytime when i think about it...
haih....
haih....
is time for me to make decision again?
what i want is a happy ending....can i ?

merry christmas!!

圣诞节到了也就快过了...希望每个人都有个难忘的圣诞吧=)
圣诞节前让我喘不过气,圣诞节过了就让我松了一口气...
但是圣诞节的夜晚我却独自在家渡过,忙了一整天,回到家终于清静点了...
虽然是独自一人可是也还蛮享受的...
今年的圣诞对我来说很不一样,有很多挑战...
一些以前在教会不是我负责的事项都变成我的责任了..
一些以前在教会的事项和如今都变得不一样了..
周围的人,环境,事项都很不一样...
一切都要从新适应过...
过程是很不容易,很多的感觉会浮现在脑里甚至是心里...
不过再难都总算是过了...我克服了,看见所有的成果也让我满足 =)
不知道另一方的你是否有如此的感觉呢?
也许你也和我如此同感吧?只是...你选择沉默...
也许你我都很劳累吧,总觉得这个圣诞好像少了什么似的...
也不知道你是否有如此的感觉?还是你依然保持沉默...?
好像很多不知道开始出现在我的心里...
不可以!!不可以!!圣诞是很开心的一天,我应该是累傻了才会有如此的感觉 ><
话说回来,我的朋友们...你们的圣诞过得应该都比我开心吧?
你知道我在讲你的咯...呵呵...
还是祝福你们有个平安愉快的圣诞 ^^
噢,差点忘了..今年的圣诞我的好朋友都出现在我的教会=)
mun ee 和 hsia 都抽空来了!!嘻嘻...希望你们没有被闷到!!
很开心看见你们来虽然我有点忙着走来走去... ><
就这样渡过了我的圣诞节,回到家自己享受一个人的时间,
卸掉讨厌的妆再冲个舒服的凉,然后再煮个美味的贝儿快熟面!
爽到~~~ 再和好朋友msn,blog...就这样的渡过 =)
没有色彩缤纷的布置,没有人潮汹涌环绕着,
但我一点都不觉得遗憾..因为..我真的享受独自的时刻...
也因为我真的累了...想好好休息了....

have myself a merry little christmas =D
have yourself a merry little christmas and a great one =)

我真的不明白

有时候我真的不明白...

不明白为什么有些人可以每次都把责任推得理所当然??

不明白为什么有些人可以毫不用心的把话听进去??

不明白为什么有些人可以每次都为自己找借口??

不明白...

难道是我把问题看得太大吗??

我承认我有不对的时候,更有不足的时候...

可是我都尽量在配合,迁就...

但是我做的却没人珍惜,看的只是我得不好...

看得是我应该这样和那样...我真的很讨厌!!

我是喜欢做东西,我是喜欢做决定,

但是不代表其他人就不可以做啊!!

不代表其他人就不能做决定啊!!

我很努力的配合你们,可是你们换回来给我的是什么...??

我也在忍,曾经有人跟我说我的脾气真的不好,需要改...

我到现在还没做到,可是不表示其他人可以随意的要求我这些那些的...

请在我还能忍的时候迁就回我可以吗?

我也有我的辛苦的阿...难道你们就不可以有贡献点吗??

对不起,我真的不明白....

就是喜欢...

就是喜欢小孩 =)
看见小孩就有会有种喜悦又幸福的感觉..
总觉得小孩的诞生是如此的宝贵又奇妙..
虽然有时他们的哭声是如此的可怕,
可是只要他们是健康的,那就足够了...
看见小孩就觉得有责任要把他们养育成长...
也许过程是辛苦,可是却是值得的...
人总是会问难道你能担保他们长大了就会孝顺你吗?
可是为何小孩还没成长就去把他们想得那么坏呢?
为何要宣告或是诅咒不好的东西在孩子身上呢?
为何不想想他们会很乖巧听话,
也该想想自己还没成为孩子的爸妈时是否有孝顺自己的父母?
俗语说..你怎样对你的父母,将来你的孩子也会怎样对待你..
所以我会趁我还有机会孝顺我父母时好好孝顺他们,
好让将来我的孩子也能以我为榜样...
朋友都觉得我有着奇怪的想法,
为什么会那么的喜欢小孩甚至计划自己未来的小孩...
我其实也不是很清楚,可是就觉得小孩是我和另一半的礼物...
一份很珍贵又特别的礼物,无法买到,无法取代的...
我真的很期待那一天的到来...
每当我看见身边的朋友结婚生子,
我的心真的很为他们感到高兴,也觉得很幸福 =)
喜欢小孩的天真,小孩的欢笑,小孩的一切...
从小孩身上可以看见很多大人都忽略的事情...
从小孩身上可以看见很多大人都遗忘的回忆...
我并不是因为小孩的可爱而喜欢他们,
而是我真的感受小孩的诞生是如此的奇妙...
也像是在提醒自己要珍惜自己的生命,
因为我的诞生也是如此的奇妙...
在这个世界上没有人能取代我..
你说奇妙吗? =)
就是喜欢.... ^^

我真的很想你...

虽然你才在那不远的地方,可是我真的很想你...
不知是不是因为上次你去韩国的时候真的让我很担心...
所以这次我的心更是担心又想你.....
很想可以很快见到你....
很想和你通话...
还是很想很想见到你....
哎...
人总是要在分开有段距离了才会特别思念对方...
原本以为你去旅行了我就可以飞啦...呵呵...
怎么知道我的心是超级想念你....><
最近的我还是那么的乱...
也不懂乱什么...
又要开始忙碌的生活了...
也觉得身体一天比一天弱了...><
好像变的容易生病...
我...还可以吗...?
你...支持我吗...?

爱...

我爱你...你爱我...
这三个字都常听见...或是看见...
当你说爱她/他时,你真的爱她/他吗?
当你说爱她/他时,他/她也爱你吗?
当你说爱她/他时,你的心是否也如此的爱她/他?
说一句我爱你有时还真的变得很容易说出口...
但是是否真的爱对方,却又是个疑问...

一段感情里...
总是会让人流不少眼泪,同时也有不少的欢笑...
两颗被联系在一起的心;
很多时候都会塞满问号,
很多时候都会出现争吵,
很多时候都想回到原点,
很多时候都想选择放弃,
很多时候都会逃避问题,
很多时候都出现蛮不讲理,
很多时候都出现不愿让步,
很多时候...更会做错决定...
两颗来自不同血型的心;
需要去接受对方,
需要去迁就对方,
需要去体谅对方,
需要去保护对方,
需要去了解对方,
需要...好好的携手面对并接受对方...
两颗来自不同心跳的心;
总是需要时间去感受对方,
总是需要耐心去聆听对方,
总是需要心思去触摸对方...
两颗心都需要好好的保护,因为心总是脆弱的...
好好的保护这颗心,不要让心就这样轻易破碎..．
也许会觉得吵架无聊，
也许会觉得不懂得道歉，
也许会觉得很无奈...
可是...爱...就是如此的被建立起来...
不过分计较,不过分争辩,不过分发怒，
不过分在乎,不过分自私,不过分执著，
让一切都变得不过分...
也许爱就会变得如此的简单又快乐...

不知为什么最近都在思考爱情的一切...
也许是身边的朋友都遭遇问题吧...
自己也正在努力的学习...
以上纯属个人意见及看法...
希望可以帮到一些的朋友也同时在提醒自己...
但愿...乌云很快的过去,太阳很快的再次出来!!

有时

有时...疲惫的感觉真的很难受...
有时...厌倦的感觉真的很难受...
有时...寂寞的感觉真的很难受...
有时...烦恼的感觉真的很难受...
有时...憋在心中的感觉更难受...
有时...不能表达的感觉更难受...
有时...无人体会的感觉更难受...
有时...令人讨厌的感觉更难受...

此刻...我的感受更难受...
很多时候我并不奢望得到什么...
可是至少一句问候,一句安慰,总比没有来得好吧...
身边的总是说了解我,明白我,谅解我,
可是事实真的如此吗...?
我的好不被看见,
而我的不好全部都被看见...
也许我真的是如此的不好...

当你做到失去耐心的时候,
当你做的已变成很应该的时候,
当你做到最好的时候,
身旁的人都不以为意...
身旁的人都不放在心上...
身旁的人都漠不关心...
你还能撑下去吗...?你忍着了吗...?
我...还真的忍不下去了...
我...真的觉得很无奈...
难道我的状况比其他人好吗...?为什么不能体谅我...?
我做得不够好?还是不够多...?请告诉我...
我做得太少?太差?请告诉我...
为什么很多事情都还像很自然的变成我的义务?
为什么很多不属于我的责任都无形中变成我的一部分?

道歉并不是每次都有效的...
道歉是真的用心道歉吗?
道歉之后是否真的有心反省?
道歉并不代表可以把所有都忘掉..
道歉并不表示可以让自己好过些..
到底...道歉是出自于真心还是无心...?

我不再渴望得到任何的同情..
我不再渴望得到任何的回报..
我不再渴望得到任何的关心..
我不再渴望...不再理会...
因为此刻的我真的觉得很厌倦...
当你真正感觉到心灰意冷的时候...
你就能感觉到我此刻的感受.........

today...

today...is a day that i dont know how to describe my feelings again..
yea...i guess everyone already get used with it that my feelings-on n off!
well...today...quite busy...tired...as usual..

today...
me and classmates makan ban mee...why i mention it?coz..it's make me think about my ex..
i still remember that ban mee restaurent is the place that i first had dinner with him n others friend..
i remember that i feel super gan jiong that time,coz i knew that i already have that kind of feelings on him...
n today...it's just weird that when i step into the ban mee restaurent,
all the songs are there...all the love songs that i love it before we broke up..
it just make me think about him...
n no doubt,all the memories are back to my mind,but im clear with myself that im not loving him anymore..
just suddenly think about him,n i know he is doing great in the other side =)
sometimes i was laughing myself that being that silly,cry like siao when we break...lol..
but i learned something...i should thanks to him bah...
which is...if the one i love doesn't belong to me,i should just let him go..
n yea...when i let him go,i know im deserved for a better one =D
please dont missunderstanding about my post...
im not saying that i still love my ex or what k...
just want to express my feelings..
recently i just dont feel like talking that much..
so...just allowed me to blog it ya....
and actually i hope a friend of mine will read this,
which is.. is not wrong to be nice to the one that you like or love,
but sometimes...we need to be clear with the situation...
if the guy you love doesn't love you at all,please awake and accept it..
when you letting it go,your life is going to be better n happier =)
don't waste your time on a guy that doesn't love you at all..
it's not worth at all...

here im going to talk about my bf ...
my bf,is a musician...crazy with electronice guitar =)
he is the one that make me feel love can be that simple...
he is the one that always bear with my bad temper...
he is the one that simple n nice...
he is not the perfect one,that's why he needs me =P
n of coz im not the perfect one too,that's why i needs him too =D
when two persons that with different background met each other,
what they going to do is try to understand n accept each other...
and then they will slowly get to know each other and started to face alots of problem..
because...they are from different background and they are not the perfect one...
what i want to say is actually about me n the one i love...
we are from different background,with different personality..
that's why we having differentt point of view....
im learning to accept everything...
sometimes,we really dont have time to each other...
thou we cant see each other that often anymore..
but i know it's not going to influence our relationship..
im learning to be more independent...
im trying my best not to think that negative..
im trying my best not to neglect your feelings..
i just hope...everything will be fine...
i just hope...everyday is a new day for us....
i just want...you to know that...
i want to love you more and more...

oops..im getting tired n tired..blur and blur ad..
signing off~~

季节

季节又来到了我的身旁....
最近的天气的确时常在下雨...
每当在下雨时独自驾车,总会有寂寞的感觉...
再加上最近身边的朋友甚至是自己也碰上了''季节''...
说明了是季节嘛,当然是避不开了...
唯有看自己要不要选择用"雨伞"去保护自己...
还是要被季节把自己也给跨到...
好像有点语无伦次...
可是此刻的我真的有这种感觉...
觉得身边的事情都像季节般的...
说来就来,让人毫无防备之心...
不管平时是多么的坚强,也会有被季节攻击的时候...
不管平时是多么的镇定,也会有被季节吓倒的时候...
不管平时是多么的安稳,也会有被季节震动的时候...
季节是否为你带来开心呢?还是为你带来伤心?

人总是那么的矛盾...
当他或她需要你的时候,他或她必定定时定刻的寻找你...
因为你是他或她的代替品...
当他或她不需要你的时候,他或她必定减少寻找你...
因为你真的是他或她的代替品..
也许这一切都是正常的吧...可是对我来说却不是...
我不想让别人成了我的代替品,更不希望成为别人的代替品...
所以...学习不矛盾,不自私,不存任何心机是很重要的...
若你的生活里总是带有心机的,处处去博取别人的可怜;
那我真的觉得你的生活是可悲的...
因为你总是在依赖别人,根本没有为自己着想...
也没有为身边的人着想...

最近的我心情又来起伏不定了...
我好像又迷失了方向.....
该向左还是向右呢...?
该选择面对还是逃避呢...?
该选择包容还是伤害呢...?
该尝试还是放弃呢...?
我要的是....什么啊.....

是时候睡觉了...语无伦次到一个程度.... >.<

im officially missing you...

All I hear is raindrops, falling on the rooftop
Oh baby, tell me why'd you have to go
'Cause this pain I feel, it won't go away
And today I'm officially missing you

I thought that from this heartache, I could escape
But I've fronted long enough to know
There ain't no way
And today I'm officially missing you

Ooh, can't nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do, hey, baby
Said it stays on my mind
And I-I'm officially...

All I do is lay around, two years full of tears
From looking at your face on the wall
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don't even know you at all, I don't know you at all

Well, I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it's safe to say, baby, safe to say
That I-I'm officially missing you

Ooh, can't nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do, hey, baby
Said it stays on my mind
And I-I'm officially

Well, I thought I could just get over you, baby
But I see that's something I just can't do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can't find a way to let go of you

Ooh...can't nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do, hey, baby
Said it stays on my mind
And I-I'm officially...

It's official
Hoo, you know that I'm missin' you, yeah, yes
All I hear is raindrops, oh, yeah
And I-I'm officially missin' you

thanks for mimi coz send me this song..
it's really a good way to describe my feelings right now..
driving back alone all the time...
everytime i wish that the one that beside me is you...
and today..it's rainiy day...
after all the discussion has been done smoothly...
is time to home...on the way home,this song playing repeatly...
all the memories keep on appeared in my mind..
what's on your mind right now...?
will it be the same like me...?

im officially missing you....

im still alive!

i'm still alive =P
semester break for 2 weeks...
the 2 weeks holiday was like d-e-a-d holiday for me man >< omg!
because dont have time to meet up with my friendssss!!
the one thing i feel happy is went up to cameron with elaine,gina n liang!wuhoo!
what a nice place n a good time for me n myself...
thanks for liang to be the driver =)
although is 2D1N,but it's ad enough for me..
the fresh air make me feel better n is like recharge my brainsss ^^
after cameron trip,is time for me to start working at a friend's place..
data entry,phone calling,everyday i repeart the same thing...
what to do...i need vitamin M so so so much...
dad's cant work anymore...i need to take k of myself...
can't spend much anymore...
aikz,quite suffer when looking friends around me spend with no worries..
but still...thanks God for blessing me...
sometimes when i really really have no $ at all,
brother or some part time job will comes to me...
nice right?pray hard n you will get this too...
although i cant buy any new clothes that on sales,but then...
still ok bah...at least im not naked ma XD hahaha
just...cant control when think about food!!omg..
spend much on food n movie >.<
need to control ad...
work for almost 10 or 13 days for the data entry job..
then busy in helping a church member's wedding...
feel happy and touching when the couple are walking into the church,
holding each other hand,put the super sweet smile on their face,
the music n lighting is on n everything just perfect....
with the blessing from all of the family and friends...
so niceee =)
yea la,i admit that i got the feeling of 'hen ga' la...
cant stop thinking about my future...lol..
when can i hold my husband's hand ...
when can i have my own family with 3 to 4 children..
hahaha...those that know me ad knew that this is my plan XD
dear lord,i pray that u will bless me to have a good husband n healthy children!AMEN!
oh yea..we celebrate elaine aka my best friend/classmate in the world birthday!!!
it's a super belated celebration,but hope u like it ya my dear!!
thank u ah liang for helping me to buy ur gf's present =)
thou there is no more purple colour,but still got the brown one =P
n yea..all the daipat gang (except daipat hao) gather at a place for preparation..
haha..yea,prepared for the tang lung that we going to light up..
that's the surprise for the belated birthday girl!!wuhoo..
we standby in front of her house,then call her out,n we sing the bday song!!haha
dear ar,although the plan got a bit bocor ad la..hahhaa...
but then hope u like it n forgive us for the late celebration ya..
finally u got ur own and nice purse to use ad =) all the best for u!!
there is no full stop in our friendship =)
well...after all of these...fun,work,wedding,celebration...
the 2nd semester started!!meaning that ASSIGNMENTS waiting me!!
the most thing that i worry for now is results man..
lord,i pray that everyone of us can get all pass!!bless us!!
well,1st week as usual is no class one..
me n elaine skipped the class and work at klcc convention center for the jewelry fair =P
worked for 4 days,11 to 6pm..too bad that cant work at the same counter with elaine..
but still having fun and it's another experience for us =)
working with hong kong people,see the way they handle the work,
the way they solve the problem,the way they talk...
nice to meet you all =) take care ya~~
is time to get myself prepared and attending class as a good student XD
lecture...tutorial...practical...lots of assignment lorrr ><
new lecturer n tutor teaching us...still haven get used with them...
some of them are funny,lame,bored...can we tahan for the 14 weeks?!
just hope that everything can go smooth...
and the results will be fine...
yea..that's all for my current life...
quite tired actually...driving here n there alone...><
what to do..life still goes on...n yea..im still alive!!
dear dai pat gang...please take good care ya!!
im sure that the yamcha session is going to re-start SOON XD
dear shapo hsia,please sleep earlier n take k too k...
we will go play play with the juvin n take a lot of picture XD

无题...

为什么无题?因为...我也不知道...
此刻的我...心痛...心乱..心烦...
哭也哭过了...努力的在让自己不去想...
不断的打扫房间...不断的提醒自己不去想...
一切都是因我而起吧...
一切都是我的错...
一切都是因我自私...
一切的一切都是因我而造成...
问题的出现总是有原因的...
原因的来源总是来自彼此...
彼此的了解总是来自内心...
内心的敞开总是来自自己...
始终...一切的来源还是回到自己...

眼泪啊眼泪...可不可以暂时停止操作啊...
贝儿啊贝儿...可不可以暂时停止操作啊...

此刻的我...真的好想念我可爱的朋友们..
更想念的是.................

与自己的时间...

考试终于都过了...终于可以暂时把笔记抛到伦敦去了...呵呵...
假期并非过得比想象中开心,也许是需要做工吧...
好多东西想要做的都好像很难完成...
好多东西想要解决的都无法找到合适的时间...
终于有少许的时间让我休息,让我给自己一些时间清静一下...
金马伦高原的确是个很舒服的地方...
到了那里,我真的很不舍得回来,因为实在太舒服了...
空气很清新,环境很舒服...
虽然一直在下雨,可是雨水却让我觉得很舒服...
冷冷的风迎面吹来也让我觉得很舒服...
好像可以暂时把自己的问题冻结,
好像可以暂时把不开心的时刻冰结,
好像真的可以什么都不想的享受那一切来自大自然的空气...
问题存在着,疑惑存在着,挣扎存在着,矛盾存在着...
多么的希望风风雨雨可以把这一切存在着的都带走...
为什么说与自己的时间呢?
因为好想让自己的心和脑都清静下来...
让自己好好的休息....
虽然我真的很没有钱到一个程度,可是为了让自己真的可以休息,
我选择了去这一次的旅程...
因为真的很想给自己一些的时间...
所以...请别觉得为什么男友没有陪我一起去...
因为...再甜蜜也需要一些私人的空间与时间...
这...是我的原则;总觉得自己是需要空间来与自己相处的...
也许我真的觉得很累了吧...
很多事情的发生让我觉得很难去面对...
家里的问题一直存在着...让我觉得很压力,很难受...
很多很多的事情都处在起伏的状况之下...
外人总觉得这一切根本不是什么问题...
对我而言,问题是要解决的,如果一直去避开问题, 那只会造成伤害...
而我真的很不想逃避一切的问题...
这两天里面我还蛮开心的,虽然是简单的渡过...
可是我想了很多...我也做了决定...
我相信我是可以撑下去的...嗯...一定可以...

oh man......>.<

i never feel like this before....
lying on my bed like a dead body...
walking around like a zombie...
eating plain porridge like an old man...
shitting like no tomorrow....yewwwwwwww~~
oh man....i really feel like dying la...
tomorrow last paper ad...i still want to have fun ar~~
fever,dizzy,shitting,vomit=food poisoning >.<"""
lord,please healed me with your hand....
i need to study...i want movie...i want alots of thing ar....
but not sick!!!!please.....get well soon...

左右为难...

左右为难的感觉真的很不好受...
当决定权在自己的手里时,很多时候都要顾虑很多方面才能做下一个决定..
很多时候都听到别人说做决定要潇洒点,不需顾虑那么多...
可是...往往我要做的决定却是要顾虑很多方面的...
因为...我清楚知道我做的每一个决定都可能会伤害到某一方,或是伤害到自己..
不知道从何时开始,我的生活里好像都环绕着做决定的时侯...
我开始对决定这两个字感到厌倦...
我开始觉得决定这两个字是离不开我的生活了...
不管小事,大事,严重,不严重,重要,不重要...
这一切都变成我的决定...

以前我总觉得做决定并不是那么可怕的,可是现在...
我的决定牵涉很多的因素...
我的决定牵涉很多的问题...
我的决定牵涉很多的感受...
我的决定牵涉很多的很多的压力.....
让我真的有喘不过气来的感觉...
应该体谅我的人却不能体谅我,
应该鼓励我的人却不懂得鼓励我,
应该安慰我的人却不懂得安慰我,
不明白我的人往往却是给我最好的帮助...
不明白我的人往往却是给我最多的安慰...
不明白我的人往往却是给我最少的压力...
这一切是应该存在的吗....?
我很努力的告诉自己这一切很快成为过去...
我很努力的告诉自己这一切只是过渡期...
我很努力的告诉自己这一切会是个挑战...
我很努力的告诉自己我要尽我的全力来把所有问题变成不是问题...
可是我的努力...
似乎不够好...
似乎不被珍惜...
那...我该如何啊...?
一个人承受的感觉真的很痛苦,很折磨...

可是我选择相信...相信我的神可以把这一切都带走...
只是时候还未到...我需要等待.........
等待奇迹...等待一切的一切............

don't know...

i don't know what i want for now...
i don't know what the feelings right now...
i don't know who can really understand me right now..
i don't know which way should i move on...
i don't know what the hell is going on....
i don't know when will the season ends....
i don't know...seriously don't know...
i really don't know?or...i don't want to know...?
i can feel that there is something wrong...
but again...i don't know how to help myself to get the solution...
everytime when friends are having problem,i can give a lot of advice..
but then...for this second,i really don't know what and how to face it...
all i know is...im so so so so so so so so sorry....
thousand of sorry in my heart......
all is because my bad...my fault...

aikz...

again...i don't know what i want for now...
what's wrong with me????
i really...don't know how to deal with my feelings...
which make me feel fear.....aikz..
when-why-where-these all happened....
am i really know what i actually want for now and future??
i seriously.....don't know how to move for now...
please..........save me out of here.................>.<

what can i do to make everyone happy?

sometimes...
i really feel hard to breath when everyone around me are keep on pushing me;
sometimes....
i really feel pain in my heart when no one can really feel me when things happend;
sometimes....
i really feel fear to people around me because i dont know when they will attack me;
sometimes....
i really dont know how to use my brain and words to make things better;
sometimes....
i dont know what to do to make everyone happy...

there are too many things that keep challenge me...
there are too many words that keep hurting me...
there are too many people that keep pushing me...
i cant feel the fresh air anymore...
not to say i make my life grey but dont try to judge me if you dont even understand about my situation,not everytime things can be solve that easy by using 'dont think too much' ...
i have to face it,i have to bear with it...
i feel tired or even feel sick when people around me keep asking me not to be that negative,do you really know how hard is it?do you really feel how pain is it?do you really want to help me out?

i just a normal human being....
i just want to be a normal bei er,cheerful bei er,
useful bei er,lovely bei er,i just want to be myself..that's it!!
what i need is space...fresh air...
please think about my feelings...
please stop forcing me to accept the way you are...
people always forgot to use full stop in their life..
people always want to make things complicated..
w-h-y
i feel tired,why they never feel tired at all...
i feel pain deep in my heart,why they cant feel me at all..
im trying hard not to care about it..
im trying my best to control myself..
but what i get ?
i just want everything to be normal..
i just want to stop everything...can you all just stop...?

4am...

the time right now is 4AM...apa saya buat ka sini??
1st,juz now makan n minum NESLO,make me cant really sleep..haha...
2nd,play zombies game,make me gan jiong dao cannot sleep..hehe...
3rd,which is when i plan to stop game n facebook,i saw DA ZHONG aka JOHNSON online..
then i nudge him,thought he sleep ad de,but he reply me..so webcam him to let him see my pretty face XD wakaka..chat with him almost an hour ad,long long time no chat..really miss u la =) sorry ar da zhong,make u sleep late,later still need to work..haha..but i really feel happy to chat with this da zhong,bcoz he really ada read blog saya de wor XD suan ni you xin la haha..
laugh ha laugh ha,talk ha talk ha..still cant make me feel sleepy @@
4rd,finish read jerry n dph's blog..lol..make me feel...want to blog also =P

my feelings right now is...
i feel worry about my darl's final which is tomorrow,coz he din really study de lor,n super steady..i really pray hard tat he can answer well during exam...miss him right now...juz now langsung tak cook porridge with him,coz he really tired ad,so i just talk about 5 minutes then ask him to sleep ad...so not me la..haha...normally no matter what i also will talk n talk with him bcoz...wan to train him not to sleep tat early XD wakaka...
i feel worry about myself juga...haih...final coming soon,n i really really feel lost on this semester..
feel like advanced macam betul betul tak suit saya...how ar?should i quite?
is like...everyone around me dont have the heart to go for class...
recently,i skip n skip class...sometimes go for some lecture class also go alone..
why everything not like last time ad de?i still rmb during diploma,we all will go for class...
although skip also go out from lecture hall n talk...i miss that time...
although we dont like the class,we still sleep inside the class...i miss that time..
but now...dunno why n since when...everyone macam tak suka all of these ad..
everyday discussing about skip which class,where to eat...lol..make me growing fatter ad la =(
seriously need to control my meal n diet....i wan to SWIM eh...i belum habis learning swim!!
haih...no one free to teach me.....@@ i scared if i go alone then will die in the pool..lol!!
i wish i can swim like a others,then i can go swim by myself...haih...
family prob seems like ok a bit ad...but then dad's health is not tat ok...
pray that he will be fine....i know he feel suffering also...but i just can pray for him..

recently really feel lost about my future...
feel disappointed to myself when i din really give the best in studies...
haih.......whats wrong with me...>.<
finally..i feel sleepy ad ~ yuhoo~luan luan blog yuan lai can make me feel sleepy =P
goodnite.......

爱真的需要勇气...

爱...真的需要勇气...
今天驾着车的时候突然听见这首歌...
让我有很大的感触...
爱...的确需要勇气..
需要勇气来面对流言蜚语...
需要勇气来面对一切的挑战..
需要勇气来面对一切...一切...一切...
当你和爱的人面对着问题的时候...
真正需要的也许是勇气吧...
没有了勇气就会失去方向...
没有了勇气就会失去对方...
很多时候,生命里的问题总是没有想象中的完美...
我不能说生命里完全不会有完美的一天...
是会有完美的一天的..只是我们都需要勇气来付出,等待...

很多时候我们都没有勇气说出口...
很多时候我们都没有勇气表达自己...
很多时候我们都没有勇气接受事实...
很多时候我们都没有勇气拒绝它人...
太多的时候,我们都没有勇气...
太多的时候,就因为没有勇气而失去了重要的东西...

每段情都需要勇气...
亲情,友情,爱情...这一些几乎都成为了生命里的一部分...
当亲情遇见了困难的时候,
我们需要勇气来一起解决...
当友情遇见了误会的时候,
我们需要勇气来表达并解决...
当爱情遇见了争执的时候,
我们需要勇气来原谅及包容对方...

每段感情都会遭遇问题...
亲情,友情,爱情...几乎都会被问题围绕着...
当亲情出现问题时,
我们往往都不想去面对他们,讨厌他们...
当友情出现问题时,
我们往往都选择沉默,然后误会就会不断产生...
当爱情出现问题时,
我们往往都选择争吵或逃避,久而久之爱就渐渐淡了...
为何我们不选择坦然面对并且简单的解决呢？

一对情侣,也许无法得到别人的赞同或不被看好;
但是是勇气让他们继续相爱及守护对方...
一对情侣,也许经常都要面对很多很多的闲话;
但是是勇气让他们去肯定自己的决定...
而我...我真的希望我和你是带着勇气来面对未来的路...
太多的闲言话语让我觉得很累...
我需要的是你的肯定...你也需要我的扶持...
我只希望我们的感情真的是属于我们两人的世界的...
我好希望我们可以有一周年,十周年,二十周年,三十,直到很久很久...
未来的路一点都不容易走...
但我的心和手决定和你的心和手紧握一起的走到尽头...
也许读的人觉得我有很傻的想法,可是这就是我的想法...
不管别人怎么说我,或是觉得我们的感情无法长久;
我只知道我爱的人是你...
也许我们发生争吵,但是我知道争吵后的我们是更珍惜彼此的...
我愿意承受一切...更愿意面对一切的问题...
你...感受到我的心意吗....？

你让我感受到爱是如此的简单=)

everything...

well...recently was bz n bz,sleepy n sleepy,hungry n hungry,crazy n crazy..
gosh...too many things comes together that mix up my feelings all the time...
but but but...
i was happy n really happy n really praise lord that my darling is back from korea safety =) he's doing great right now,no sick,no rosak...lol XD darl,i really happy when the time i know u can back from there,for 9 days i cant see u,everyday worry about u,but i never forget to pray for u n ur frens...praise lord that u r fine now =) n thx for the chocolates that u bought me =)
i know u dun have the chance to go out for buy more things,but as long as u r fine,i ad feel happy =)

thanks darling =)

recently both of us also busy,tired,i feel that we are getting lesser n lesser time to talk >.<
always look at my frens dating out for movie n this n that...
i feel....both of us also long time pak to ad lu >.<
when im free,u're in bz...when im bz,u're free....lol...what to do...
darling,everytime telling u that i love u,i really mean it..
i know we can overcome the problem n the challenge that coming in the future..
i keep telling myself everyday that i can overcome the feelings..
i don't know how hard is it when the things happen...but i know...
my heart never change....which is...i want to be with u no matter what=)
just take good care of urself...no matter u r studying or teaching,
make sure that u got think about me ar XD hehehe...

back to my life..
dad's problem is getting serious...n i feel that me myself,really needs a counselor...
i cant take it when i need to face all the crazy things that he did to us...
i was born in a healthy family...but then everything changed...
i never see my dad treat us like tat before..
scold ppl like dog...angry like siao ad...
n i never scold my dad before too....
now,every morning also i have to prepare to listen or see what he going to do to us..that's really a bad feelings deep in my heart..coz i never face this kind of prob before..i really scared,really worry,in the same time..i really hates my dad..
everyone of cant really be happy just because of him...
again...he really makes me feel tired....n tired....n sick...
lord,pls listen to my prayer...heals him by ur miracle...

back to my studies..zhen hao n jun rong,me n elaine was ok la,i guys drop geh comment macam we ad fan min..lol..
i just too peik ceik when i facing assignments...im sorry too elaine...
i know my bad temper n pattern >< just forgive me...
i have to face my own prob oso studies in the same time..
it's hard for me...im not finding a excuse to myself to run away from assign,
but i really feel...dunno how...sometimes...i do feel wanna give up..
i really really feel wanna give up deep in my heart...
but i know...it's hard to make a decision...
i will try my best.....im sorry guys....

everything....everything seems to have a big changes....
changes also mean a challenge to me...
i just hope that...i can manage to handle it...
loves,family,studies,prob from everywhere....
i just.want a simple relationship which is only me n you..
i just want a healthy family,which is only all of us..
i just want a clean heart which is only me myself n u my lord....
i just....want to see....EVERYTHING will be FINE as soon as possible...

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
arghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
whats wrong with me.....?!!!
y is like....haih......inresponsible?or izzit is bcoz is my fault again.........................
i thought it just can be share...share the burden?share the things?
but...actually the answer is not............
i dunno what the hell wrong with me la...
put the blame on me bah............
haih..........i hate this feelings.....
as the conclusion...never thought tat everything will go in ur way.......

system down....

haih...recently....i feel that i become super blur @@
haih...system down ad?i think so...
although still can laugh n 38 as normal..but then feel like no energry ad...lol
why im here to post?
i also dunno what i want to post...

recently is like....too many things happened..
got good news,bad news,happy news,sad news..
some news are easy to accept..
but some news have to take time to accept it...
luan hor?i think so...
haih....still the same word la,ppl dun care then what for i care about it ler?
so...i decide to take care myself and wait my man to come back >.<

darling.......i miss u till siao liao lor...
6days = 144hours....>.<
i miss u badly la.....
everynight cant talk with u before i sleep..
every morning cant received ur morning call...
lucky i consider as an independent girl jek...hehe..
if not....i sure die lor XD
kla..is time to bed...feel sleepy bcoz of the medicine...good9!!

i will keep pray for u my darling =) wait u here...

all i can say is...

all i can say is...
dun be afraid...
dun worry...
everything will be alright...
everything will be past tense....

but what i want is...
i want to see u right now....
i really really worry n dunno wat to do anymore....
i dunno what's the feelings right now...

i know everything will be fine..
i know u will be fine...
just need some time...
i will take k myself....i will miss u here...
i will wait u to come back....
promise me u stay strong n must come back to see me as soon as possible k..

going to sleep right now...
medicineSsss...thousand of pilsssss that i need to take...
make me feel like want to vomit all the pilsss out....
good night....

blur @@

gosh...im blur for the whole day >.<
sick ad...flu n cough stay inside my body T.T
went to see doctor ad but can't take medicine bcoz scared will get sleepy...
what a good reason is tat?!haih..who ask me still got assign to do..
last minute work..loh lei sui~~
haih....
this morning went back to college for collect our gowns...
saw dai pat hao at college..feel like long time no see him man..
sudd miss him so much tats y i shout his name loud DAI PAT HAOOOO
miss those moment that he still study with us in diploma...
nvm la,tomolo nite can meet daipat gang ad !!hehe..
ice age 3 is waiting me ^.<
after tat went old town for discusionsssss.....haih...
sorry guys tat i quite blur @@
frens said i looked so blur n sick....
haih..i also dunno why..just feel pening n wan to sleep...
but cant really can sleep...haih...
i feel blur n blur....
blur when i driving,coz i dunno where to turn =(
blur when i talking,coz i dunno wat i talk =(
blur when i walking,coz i din realize there are something blocking my way =(
blur when i talking my bath,coz i dunno i take body shampoo ad or not end up take twice =(
blur when i doing assign,coz i dunno wat i write =(
BLUR~~~~~~~~
they said i sick once my darl is not here...aikz..i ad feel sick before he go korea la >.<
but no doubt tat i miss him sooooooo much...
feel like he ad went there for 1 year T.T
everyday after back from coll,can't sms or call him...
dunno how is him...izzit everything ok over there...?
haih...faster come back la darl...i miss u ler >.<
hope i can recover before he back from there...
i miss u darl~~~~~i will take k myself...dun worry about me ya =)

to elaine,
ALL THE BEST to ur competition....solo till the max ya!!
haha..dunno what words lai de...just hope u can win it!!
solo man...i know u feel scared la..but i know u can dance well!!
win it back,then i call u solo chiam!hahaha XD

is time to back to my assign...gosh..feel sleepy man >.<
just took medicine.......T.T
arghhhhhhhh!!hate sick!!!!

if...

if....i can choose...i will choose to talk to u...
if....i can choose...i will choose to cry in front of u...
if....i can choose...i will choose to say i love u instead of i hate u...
if....i can choose...i will choose to walk away from here...
because...i hope u can know what am i trying to talk...
because...i hope u can feel how pain is my heart...
because...i hope i still have the chance to say i love u before i regret...
because...i hope i can get some fresh air n can make u realize what actually is happening...
i just feel like cant take it anymore....
i really feel like want to stop everything here to make myself feel happy...
i really feel like want to shout out loud in front of u to make u feel it...
dad....can u stop everything n back to normal...
i know i should pray hard until i see the miracle...
but sometimes...it's just hard....
i was too weak .......
i feel nothing right now although my tears keep on dropping.....
can i just choose to stop my studies and get out from here..?
can i just do whatever that can make me and mom feel happy..?
no one understand my feelings...my pain...
it just too much for me.....

外面在下雨...

今天有个朋友出国了,去了个遥远的地方开始新的生活..
心里怎样都觉得有点难过和不舍得,虽然我们的友情并不深..
但是依然难掩心中的不舍,鼓起勇气打了电话给他说再见..
还有更多的朋友比我更舍不得他,只希望他能很快的回来...
damien,保重了..好好照顾自己也不要把你一班好朋友忘掉噢...

今晚的雨水不停的在下,眼泪也好像想陪雨水似的....T.T
也许最近很多事情发生吧...真的会透不过气来...
很多事情是我以为可以很快就过去的,可是...却一直围绕着我...
我开始觉得很迷茫,好像迷失了方向...
我开始对自己的所做所为感到动摇...
我不知道我该怎么做....
是我自私吗?是我错了吗?
是否应该不顾一切的成全大家的心愿?
那谁能明白我的感受...
为什么当我想让一切简单化的时候,事情往往就是会被复杂化?
为什么当我想做一些简单的事情时候,事情总是会变得复杂?
我-很-累!!!!
我是我,我是贝儿,一个很平凡的女子...为什么不能继续平凡下去..?
我-很-乱!!!!
我只想一切都可以被解决...只想被人尊重,尊重我的一切...很难吗?
我很想好好的爱身边的一切...
我很想简单的面对身边一切...
我很想胜过一切的问题好让我可以更坚强...
我很想表达我心中的感受,很想大声的喊出来...
我真的好想.......一切都可以重来...一切都可回到原点...
我好想念daipat gang 的朋友,少了你们的欢笑声真的很不习惯...
怀念以往经常喝茶打球的日子...你们都还好吗...?

家人与学业都让我无法平衡...
很多时候都有心无力,真没用的我 ><
我很想用尽一切的方法来让你们开心...
可是...我真的很没用...
很想用尽办法来完成所有的任务,
可是...我真的很无能...
啊~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
我不想继续了啦 T.T

一切的问题是因为我自私的举动吗...?
可以允许我自私一次吗....?
可以允许我放纵一次吗....?
可以允许我大哭一场吗....?
可以允许我就在这里停止吗...?
我不知道我可以撑到什么时候....
我知道我并不是最可怜的那一个,
我也不需要别人来可怜我,
我只想说.......我很累...我的心灵感到疲倦了...
我...很需要你....
你...也很需要我....我们都需要彼此...
可是我们都知道我们的能力有限...
我只想让你知道...
我真的很爱你,更想好好的爱你直到永远...
或许我无法达到你的要求,无法做到最好...
可是我真的在努力,也许你无法看见...
我不会轻易放弃...只因我在乎...只因我爱你...
你可以不要放弃,继续的陪伴我吗...?
不管未来的路是如何,不管我们在哪里,
只要我们的心是坚固的,一切的阻碍都会成为鼓励...
我...爱...你....