the feelings ...

do you know some words can really kills someone?

when you plan to do something,have you ever try to think about the consequences?

do you know the definition of the word?

until now...i still can't forget...

the words of ''backstab'',you pointed me with the word backstabber...

it's the first time also the only one...

maybe there are so many people think i'm like a backstabber but never voice out..

but when the particular person purposely come and scold me with this word...

i was stunned,and i was like...do you need to use this word on me?

why people can still hold and find thousand of excuse when they are wrong?

why people can just turn a big round just because they don't want to admit?

why must them choose the way that will hurts people in this way?

i still can't understand..

if i choose to walk away when i saw you,

please don't ever say is my problem..

is because i don't know when will you come and tell me i'm backstabbing you in front of others people..

if i choose to sit with you,

it doesn't mean i really agree with you,

it doesn't mean i choose to trust in you..

the moment you and others plan to point on me in front of them,

do you ever think about my feelings?

is it fair to me?and yea,i apologize it...

but what i get in the end?

people trying to used different eye sight to look at me...

while you still enjoying over there like nothing happen before..

my feelings are just like living in hell..

and i feel like shouting to myself all the time..

because of you,i lost my friends..

don't blame me when i choose to walk away when you want to talk to me..

because i still not ready for anything that comes from you n others..

for almost 10 years i staying at the place,

i never meet someone like you before..

and i never meet someone that hurt me like you before and still can laugh like nothing happen before..

i never handle someone like you before..

i never feel that pain before just because of you n your so call friends..

the moment i look at you guys,i don't have any feelings but the only things i do is i choose to put my smile on my face and walk away,i can't find any better way for me to treat you guys..

i will never forget the day...the only day in my life...

i wish i can shout to you like the way you did on me...

but i can't...

i wish i can forget and move on,

but i can't...

the feelings is so real.....

don't try to talk to me if that is not comes from your heart..

i meant it...just stay away from me...

i hate the word backstab...please think before you say it..

whatever i do, i will admit it,but for the word backstab,i really can't take it..

stop acting like you are innocent...

i feel sick with everything....

......

need some help...

but don't feel like get help directly...

need some help...

but never expect people around will always be there...

some might don't understand because they don't have to understand..

some might don't understand because they don't even want to understand...

some might don't understand because they don't feel like is worth to understand..

when i need help...

only i realized that there is no any hands for me...

feel like everything become transparent...

it could be my fault...

somehow i feel like who cares?

when people are having good life,new things,

who cares that you are living in a hole..

oh wait...

i'm the one that choose to face it all by myself...

so just forget about it....

trying hard to ignore the feelings....

problem still there,i'm still alive...

leave it to the only one.....pls..listen to my prayer....

有些东西都是看你有没有心罢了......

口里说在乎可是做的却是另一些事情...

或许真的志同道合的人才能在一起寻找快乐吧...

失望...无言......算了....

失去的总会有些是无法挽回的....

家...永远是我温暖的避风港....

final semester in my life...

it's final semester already...

which also mean that i almost finish my 4 years studies in Tarcollege..

there is a question that keep appearing in my mind...

go or not to go?should i go UK for 3 months to get my degree?

i know is a waste if i choose not to go...

but when back to reality,i know there will be a problem for me when come to the time i need to return all the loans...

if i choose not to go,means i have to find a job after this...

if i choose to go,means i need to work super double hard due to my limited english problem...

i know this is a problem for me,i was worrying that can't speak well,do well...

what if when others keep asking me the reason for not going?

what if when others feel bad when i decide not to go?

what if....there is none of them support my decision?

but i really worry that i can't graduate with a better results over there...

this final semester will be very stress to me...

the paper to resit is my second time of resit this...

mathematics...if still fail,means i no need to think about oversea at all..

if pass,then it will be great!!!

attending class alone with strangers are weird for me..

but what to do...no one will accompany me because that is my paper..

aikz...just trying my best.....

i know is bad to hurts someone that being good to me..

but sometimes when you trying too hard,its really make me feel bad..

because i know there is nothing going to happen ...

i'm clear with myself...

because there is no space in my heart anymore..

there is someone,something that is important to me...

i thought it's quite clear all the time,

because i just want a normal relationship...

i won't accept it,because i don't want the same thing happen again..

and i'm not worth for anyone to being good to me..

i'm not that good,or kind....

i don't know when i will choose to leave...someday maybe..

i feel bad after what happened that day...

when everyone was there and hurting me...

that was a hard time for me after being at there for so many years..

what i get is i need to apologize to the person that hurts me..

what i get is i lost some friends and there is a wall..

and the person that hurts me still moves on like nothing,

because they don't think they're wrong..

and i'm the one that people think i'm bad after all?

is that fair to me....?

i was thinking maybe i doesn't belong to this place anymore...

i feel stress,unhappy,suffer.....

who cares about that?i don't have parents to protect me..

but it doesn't mean you have the right to do that on me...

i just hate it.....i choose to let go...

but still...it's hard for me....

lord...help me...hold me by Your words please...

help me to forgive those that hurts me...

help me to be strong enough everytime i face them...