我的爸爸

还记得以前小学的时候,老师总是要我们写作文,我的自愿,我的家人,我的老师,我的...
想一想,那已经是七年前的事了...以前只要拿起笔写作文,总是很容易就会把作文写好,而且作文里的人物或是每件事的情景都好像会被写得很完美的...
当自己渐渐长大了就开始觉得作文变得很难写了,因为所有的事情都已经不一样了...
开始发觉生活里的一切原来并不是那么的完美,生活里的人物并不是那么的完美...一切的事情都不再变的完美无瑕了...
我的爸爸..我常听家人或亲戚说在我小时候爸爸都蛮疼我的,也许我是家里唯一的小女儿吧,而且妈妈生了三个哥哥了才到我出世.人人常常都会问我在家里是不是家人最疼的那一个,我都说还好,因为真的是还好啊,没有特别觉得被疼或被宠的..
从小到大,爸爸给我的感觉是很善良,很好的,他总是乐于助人,虽然我们的家并没别人那么富有,可是爸爸总是乐善好施 ...
爸爸的年纪一年比一年老了,身体的健康都不错...可是却患上忧郁症 ,忧郁症听起来好想不怎么可怕,可是事实上它却是个蛮可怕的病...爸爸的忧郁症让全家人担心不已..而我更不知道该如何面对他,因为面对忧郁症的人是需要很大的耐性的,他常常说消极的话,甚至想死...我都几乎崩溃...幸亏还有朋友的鼓励与陪伴,不然第二个患上忧郁症的就是我了...
爸爸的忧郁症恢复的还蛮快.最近的他似乎没事了,可是他却变成另一个人似的...变得另人讨厌...我们都不想去理他了...
每一天听见妈妈的叹气声,听她诉苦...这一切我听了都觉得好心痛,因为妈妈是与爸爸最亲密的人可是如今的她也受不了爸爸的一切了...而我更是无能为力,因为连最有耐心的三哥也快受不了了...
爸爸变得难于相处...变得超级固执,不讲道理...这个爸爸根本就不是我的爸爸...我的爸爸并不是这样的...
我也变得不想跟他讲话了...我们一天的对话就是不超过五句...哎.....
妈妈的心更是难受,她比任何人都难过,虽然她的口里常在说爸爸的不是但是其实她的心是很担心也很在乎爸爸的一切的..
从小到大,我就出生于小康之家...家里从来都没有发生过暴风暴雨的事...可是近来却一直不断的有事似的...
我真的好希望一切很快的过去...晴天可以出现在家里吗...?

朋友

哎~~什么是朋友? 什么是真正的朋友?
朋友和真正的朋友会如何对待你?你有真正的朋友吗...?你又怎样对待他们?
我总是觉得自己不懂得如何好好的与朋友交心...也许我常常都在乎朋友的事情吧...总是为别人的事打抱不平似的,换句话谁说应该是鸡婆吧...哎~~我也不知道要讲什么好...只是...突然间对自己好失望...对我在乎的好朋友感到失望...
为什么???为什么总是我自己在一旁在乎?我在乎什么?既然别人都不在乎,也许我真的该学习看开点吧...
超级没有心情的~~~~~

disappointed

haizzzz...wat a day....drive away from wangsa maju till one utama,quite tired although not that far n..my minyak drop n drop till the second line,yesterday baru full tank,aikz..got abit sam tong..lol..but it's worth la,coz is my jimui birthday,we went to THE APARTMENT,quite expensive...but..nice place,nice food =) after that of coz we shop shop lor..the sad things happened,which is...
my MNG bag is GONE!!!no more ad!!!!!!!!!!Arrrgh!!!super duper keik sam u noe =( the 1st thing i did is i sms u,then call elaine ask her go see weather klcc got or not...haiz...i really feel bad,down...coz i ad plan to buy it...but now?gone~~at 1st,i though someone will buy for me then give me a surprise,but i guess...i really think too much ad~ nvm,2nd..i though..i can buy it then syiok sendiri..who knows...NO MORE ad!!haiz....the worse thing is...elaine said she dun have time to go klcc MNG...n u call me,u told me u not sure weather wan to buy or not coz u forgot the pattern ad...i really hope to get it,but...i dun wan to take risk,coz i scared is not the same...HAIZZZZZZZZZZZ...ARrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...y......no surprise,no bag!!!!!!!>.<
we walk here n there,only my shapo fren,hsia,she bought shoes la,pants la..me n szeyee apa pun tak ada =(
haiz...sad sad...hope can get something for myself as soon as possible before...christmas~ wuhoo =P
oh gosh...i keep cough n cough,when can i get well =( so tired of coughing when i talk,laugh,eat...before sleep oso coughing non stop,haiz...annoying betul =(

disappointed...disappointed...>>>>>>>.<<<<<<<
i should buy it when i saw it...
i should stop imagine about those stupid surprise...
i ........... really disappointed...
i also dunno y i will feel that disappointed just because of some little thing..but..the bag is juz..really the type tat i like,n is hard to find a bag like this....
haizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!

累

最近都很忙...赶assignment都蛮累的,没办法啦..谁叫我最后一分钟才做...结果我破了纪录,竟然做到五点才睡,而且睡两个钟就要起身去上课了 =( 好累~~前晚又做到五点然后睡两个钟就起身...我到底怎么了?怎么我可以撑到那么夜?我没想到自己竟然可以那么厉害!哈哈...最近都没什么特别事发生...生活也过得还好吧...只是觉得时间真的过得太快了...考试就快到了!怎么办啊???哎...

前天...我驾着车,从学校除着去时,突然在想,好像很久都没遇到他了...之前常会在停车场看见他的车,不过最近都没有遇见他了...我也只是这样的想了一下,没想到出了校门不久,就遇见他了,他还走过来敲了我的车镜,吓到我一下因为我没想到会遇见他而且他还主动走前来打招呼...好久没有遇到这种情景了...好久没见到他的笑容出现在我面前...在回家的路途中,我又想起我们的过去...我知道我不该再想了,可是...每次遇见他就是会让我回想起过去...如今的他都过得很好,幸福快乐,我也替他感到高兴...而我也找到自己的幸福了...大家都找到自己的幸福了...也许下次的相遇会是一个完全没有带着我们的回忆的相遇吧...希望你真的幸福,好好对待你的女朋友...

回到自己的生活...最近的我们也没什么事情发生...
除了想你,就还是想你 =) 除了等待还是等待 =(
圣诞节快到了,好期待...可是也好想和你一起渡过,可是应该没有这个机会吧...>.< 新的一年快到了... 不知道我们在新的一年里会有什么事发生呢... 好期待新的一年的到来~~

疑问

今天早上和朋友吃早餐时,大家都在谈起彼此的另一半...因为在朋友当中的samm即将找到一个很好又可爱的男友了,我真的替她感到很开心,还记得当初她被一个男子伤害了到现在都没难友可是如今就不同啦,因为她遇见一个很好很可爱的男子,大家都替她感到开心,所以整个聊天的过程都是在讨论他们两的事...
当然偶尔还是提起我和你的事...提起你,就让我好想好想你...她们都说你很好,最重要的是比他好...
他们都问我们什么时候才要在一起?我们在这样下去会不会变淡?我们还在等什么?我是不是在等你开口?
而我都答说,时间还没到...其实我的内心真的开始害怕起来...当她们都说暧昧太久会使我们之间的感情变淡的时候,我的内心还真的突然怕了一下...我知道你曾经说过我们需要了解彼此才开始,可是现在的我们真的太像情侣了,如果我们一直这样下去都没正式成为情侣,那...我们要维持这种关系到及时啊...?如果一直这样下去直到很久后才在一起,那当我们一起时不就没那种开心甜蜜的感觉吗?因为大家都好像已经习惯了这种关系,只是表面上不是情侣而已..
有时真的觉得自己很矛盾,想停止我们现在的关系然后等到你真的开口要求我做你女朋友时才真正的有一段很好的关系..
可是我就是做不到...我常在想...你会在什么时候开口呢?你...会随随便便的发个信息给我,还是你会给我个惊喜然后我们真的可以在一起直到很久很久呢...?
你...是害怕我会伤害你所以你一直都在等,给大家时间吗?
我...是怕时间太久会让别人在你心中取代我的位置吗?
我们...如果开始了,会得到别人的祝福吗?
担心害怕矛盾犹豫~~
担心我们的未来,害怕再次的失去,矛盾现在的关系,犹豫我们的选择...

时间真的过得很快,不知不觉有三年了...你就这样等了三年...
我真的觉得自己很幸运,因为一个在等待着我又被我伤害过的男子到了现在还是一样一直在等...
好想亲口告诉你说...我真的喜欢上你了,所以我才那么的在意你的一切...
我相信当有那么的一天我告诉你我爱你的时候会是你和我手牵着手的那一天...
也许未来的一切都很模糊,我更是觉得害怕...
但是你总是告诉我别担心...因为你会陪伴着我...
你...真的会一直陪伴着我吗?我们真的可以等到那么的一天吗...?

i just realize

im so piss off now with my assignment and the midterm for 2molo...
i cant really have much idea for asignment,and i din touch the notes at all for 2molo midterm..wt?!!!!
n the worse thing is...i make u angry,usually im the one that angry u,n u never send me those msg b4 to show me that u really angry...i hate myself...
i just hope i can chat awhile with u that is out of the topic of studies...coz it's make me feel peik ceik now..but ur response is u told me that u wan sleep ad coz u tired n sleepy ad...i was like..im tired n sleepy too,but i cant sleep yet bcoz of my assign n midterm,i noe im padan muka coz din prepare it early of this week...but then...i oso tired of what i did recently,mom's leg injured n i need to do housework that mom will do everyday when i still SLEEPING...i need to sweep the floor,mop the floor,wash the clothes,do preparation b4 i cook dinner for my family..all these kind of things are sound easy but is tired for me...n i need to accompany mom,wait for her order to help her on this n that...n im worry about her leg,everyday wish to be home asap after my class end..i din really sleep at noon...i oso tired...i noe i cant blame u when u told me that u r sleepy n tired..juz...my prob about tat,mayb this is the diff btw me n u...diff world...diff lifestyle...n it's takes time for me to get used to it...
i feel like the tears is goin to drop from my eyes..when i saw the msg that u send me...my tears drop is because of my emo, the stress n tired on me...although after tat u explain to me tat u r not tat meaning,but then it's mean alot for me...i noe tat is not ur fault at all,i should't blame on u...u dun have to acc me every night..
u r right,we dun have to chat all at time,i guess...
i was too depend on u..
im sorry....
im tired....
im worry...
i feel unhappy..
i feel insecured..
i feel like crying..
i hate myself everytime i become like this,capriciousness.......
arrrrrrrghhhhhhhh....
why i always like this?!is that really my prob??or...i was asking too much from u....?
my expectation to u was too high?
h-a-t-e- i-t!!!!!!!!!!

- another day with you -

today was another special day because we can went out again=) watch madagascar,wuhoo!!funny!cute!happy!it was a great time because you are just beside me,it was so close...i treasure every moment that can be with you,because it's special,because i know that we can't always spend time with each other like today...
you really really makes me angry today when u ask me to wait for you going to fetch me;at first i already feel abit scared and worry that i will wrong take the KTM,but then i feel happy that i din take wrong KTM,n i feel angry is because when i told you where am i already,you can't even manage your time,i reach and keep waiting at that super hot station,wait like a soh poh,keep sweating...wait for almost half an hour!im seriously super duper angry!!!=( arrgh...i was like...how can u did that mistake,let a girl waiting is a bad thing u know?even though my friend also din really let me wait that long...i was piss off and disappointed...when i get into your car,i really feel like...dunwan to listen any words from you at all..no matter how hard u try to explain,i still angry..BECAUSE I HATE THE FEEL OF WAITING!!SOMEMORE IS SUPER CRAZY SUNNY DAY!!!ARRRGHHH!!!!

but still...i feel happy that you accompany me to find the doctor for my back and wait patiently together with me..then after that is lunch and movie time,the moment that really makes me forgive what you did...then we went to coffee bean,have a special time with you..which is...accompany you to do revision!lol..sound funny,but..i feel special and happy,because i can know what u are study about,and force you to study so that u wont be lazy =P after that,we stop at a place,which is the place that we saw the smiley moon =) when you asked me to have a look,i was like..wow..special wor..but then when i reach home,my ph start ringing,frens's msg or call to ask me look at the special moon,i was like..haha..you are the 1st person that realize about that moon=) for me,i feel like that moon a sign for us which is...everything will be fine ^.^

when we are on the way home...i feel like...we dun really have that much topic...dunno why..i think alot in my mind..i keep look at you when u are driving,coz i like to see ur serious face while driving..but what i think is..y i always dun feel like wanna talk much when i be with the one i like?i just feel like...im happy inside my heart but i dunno what to say,is like...i feel that as long as the one that i like is beside me,is already enough for me,then i will feel happy,n just wish to stay longer with you..but then..i feel tat,me,myself is some kind of weird,i mean...im not like other girls,they can keep talking with their bf or the one they like...i was thinking tat,will u feel disappointed to me?bcoz...im not tat kind of girl tat keep talking in front of u,make u happy or wat...haiz...i also dunno y i think that much....Arrghh...i suppose to be happy right now..but...why i keep think that much?????hate myself for being like this =(

-another step to your world-

phew~~just back from his concert "concerto concert festival", he was playing well tonight =)
1st time i saw him play electric guitar in a concert,somemore is sitting with his family..lol..feel abit...weird..haha..coz im not his gf but then sitting with his family..but overall still okla,coz his parents talk with me sometimes,so...still ok =)
when watching him play on the stage,i really feel happy and proud of him...
my bro keep asking me izzit together with him ad or not,my answer is "of coz not la,we r still fren" but in my mind was....erm...we are friend?or...we looks like friend only?alah~~confuse oso...bro also complain that he feel confuse about me and him also...lol...but the fact is..we really not a couple yet...haha...
what i feel now is...im happy because i feel like im taking another step to get into ur world, know friends around u..know how well are u with ur talent...
i just hope everything will getting smooth,getting well....
is time to bed~tired ad~but still feel happy =)

保持距离??

刚刚妈妈突然问我"你和他有一起出过去吗? "我呆了一下,因为我觉得很惊讶她竟然这样问我,当然我告诉她说我们有一起出去过,可是只是纯粹的出去因为我们可以更了解对方,结果妈妈又突然一句"你应该和他保持距离,免得以后你有更好的选择的时候不会不知道该如何拒绝他" 我吓到一下,我告诉我没有想到那么遥远,我只想了解你...我知道妈妈的意思,她是觉得我以后出来社会了可能会遇到更好的选择所以希望我们现在不会太熟悉...我告诉她"你也不能这样想啊,也许很多选择的是他呢?" 我的心也不禁的想了一下我说出的这句话,你....也许真的会有更多的选择呢?我真的不可以和你太要好吗?我的心突然觉得很乱,妈妈这样一说一定是她开始在想什么的,那我们以后要出去,她会反对吗?她会不高兴吗?我不敢问也不敢想...我真的不想和你有什么所谓的保持距离...真的不想...虽然我和你都不知道我们在未来会变得怎样,可是我真的不想去顾虑那么多,我只想现在的我们真的能够好好的维持这段关系直到我们认为真的是时候开始的时候才决定在一起...经过上一段感情的伤害,我真的不想再做错选择了...受伤的感觉真的很难受,等待康复的过程更是痛苦...可是你却一直在一旁守候着我...虽然对其他人来说,你所做的根本算不了什么,为什么我会被你感动,可是...这次的我清楚知道你才是那个真心对我好,会试着保护我的...
我...喜欢你...可是我却不知道该如何去面对一切的问题...我开始觉得很乱...
我...不想失去你,也不想自己因为这样而变得失去自我...
我...很想和你在一起...我知道你一定会告诉我说你要我对自己,对你有信心,我真的在努力着...因为我不想你对我失望,更不想连朋友也对我失望...
我...做的决定是对的吗?
你...真的想和我在一起吗...?

好的开始

终于...我有勇气把我们的事情告诉妈妈了,我也不知道哪里来的勇气,就走到妈妈的床边把你介绍了给她,呵呵..结果妈妈还真的没有反对,也没有很赞成,就比我想象中好很多,妈妈还说你斯文,竟然叫我减肥!!!就因为你不够"大只"...不过还好了,至少妈妈知道了,那我也不用骗她了...其实我选择告诉妈妈也是因为你已经把我们的事告诉你妈妈了,所以我觉得我也告诉妈妈会公平点,大家也会开心点,因为不需偷偷摸摸了 =) 可是...我们还是没开始,虽然我很想开始这一段感情,不过,也许真的还不是时候吧,而你也没想要在现在开始,所以我就不想那么多了...
我总是想很多...我真的想很多...为什么会这样的?朋友都在担心我会步入爸爸的后尘,哎~~可是...我就是会顾虑很多,也许是没有主见,也没安全感吧...总是想,总是在担心的,也许也是我的性格和缺点吧,我也不知道要怎么改... 最近的我们都好像很好似的,我觉得自己真的还蛮幸运的,因为遇见了你,一个常让我欺负,发泄的人,虽然你还是有一些时候让我又气又笑,可是喜欢一个人就是要接受他的一切,而且你一直都很迁就我,一直都在改变自己好让自己真的有些进步,我觉得感动也想让你知道,你真的很好,好得让我觉得自己好惭愧似的,因为你一直都在迁就我,我好像变的蛮不讲理了>.<
好的开始就是得到父母的同意及祝福,虽然我们还不是情侣可是我相信我们都可以等到那一天的来临的=)
不知不觉已经很夜了,是时候睡觉了~

exhausted

wow....yesterday was the 1srt day i work at jewelry event with hongkong people..wow...feel...special?haha,coz 1st time talk with those hongkong ppl,they looks friendly,nice,but sometimes cant't get what they mean because of the cantonese that they using is got abit different with us...but...still ok with 1st day..just...sometimes i still very nervous then forget what should i do during working time >.<
but yesterday was a exhausted day for me although the job din make me tired,but bcoz i need to rush back from work which is klcc to home,then go church as fast as i can...wow...lrt,driving...n driving...now i really started to feel that driving really can kill me,bcoz it was so tired,everytime when change the gear,oh gosh...my leg wan patah ad,n i was so so so tired,sleepy!!!i really can fallasleep while driving,feel like...going back to home is a long journey...LOL...somemore the make up put on my face from morning till night OMG!!!!hate it!!makes my eyes tired,feel like wanna sleep,at night still need to sing at church n face those little monkey at the sunday school class..E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D~~~~~
i miss that time when you fetch me...bcoz i dun have to drive =P
well,is time to work again...klcc,here i come~~~~~~~hope everything be fine in work!

无助

今天的我原本还怎么的,因为一切东西都还蛮顺利的...
直到...我回到家踏进门口的那一步开始,我真的觉得无奈即无助...因为爸爸拿那副很忧愁的样子又出现了...我原本以为他刚睡醒,可是原来不是,听妈妈说他今天又不太好了,妈妈说也许是因为三哥不在的关系,因为爸爸平时都是很喜欢三哥在家的,也比较疼他,而且三哥经常开导他..三哥星期日才回来,如果爸爸一直这样下去真的不是办法...神啊,为什么爸爸会这样...?你可以把他的痛都带走吗?求求你......
刚刚爸爸突然又告诉我说,他活在这个世界上已经没意思了...我真的很想把他骂醒,可是我知道我不可以这样做,因为这只会让他更难过,可是...我真的不知道要怎样才能使他不去想,鼓励的话说了又说,对他百般迁就,到底还要做什么才能减轻他的痛苦...我不知道,更不知道该说什么..........
我也好难受,我也觉得压力,连朋友都说我快变成我爸爸那样了...我真的不想变成他那样,我已经尽量不让自己想,那么忧愁,可是当我回到家时,那种无形的压力真的让我觉得好无助,我告诉自己要让爸爸看见我开心的一面,所以我都尽量讲话,好像平时一样...妈妈需要人诉苦,我听她诉苦,可是我也无能为力...我自己也想有人真的可以陪伴我度过这一切,也想有人听我诉苦...我也有自己的问题,自己的想法...
在学校,我都尽量在配合朋友们的话题,我不想他们觉得我情绪化,有时当我想到家里的问题的时候就不想说话,可是又怕他们误会了我...有时觉得很烦,脾气就不太好,可是又不能发泄在他们身上...有时乱讲话,乱笑一场好让自己开心一点...可是这一切还是改变不了一个事实,那就是我还是需要面对现实...
在家,我不知道该怎么让爸爸开心起来,除了陪他讲话,看电视,我就不知道该怎么办...我常在房间里面,又怕他已为我不想看到他所以一直躲在房...可是面对着一脸犹豫,沉重的爸爸让我好心痛,好想哭...
啊~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

lucky

raining...raining again and again...my mood is changing again and again...what a day~~it's a rainy day!
tomorrow is another midterm,omg..i had finish read the notes,but then still need to memorize >.<
well,the pig...as usual,already in dream...haiz...tonight will be a lonely night,the raindrop is accompany me tonight,feel cool,like to listen to the sound of raindrop...i always feel like the sky will rain because its know my mood now,when i feel moody,the rainy day will came to accompany me..lol...
dad don't want to work for coming weeks,he said he need to rest,he can't concentrate in work.although i'm support the decison that he made,but then i still hope that he can go back to work,not only because of money,but is for himself,he always stay at home when he don't want to work..it just make the situation getting worses...i really worry about him,he told mom that he want to die,he feel suffer to live in this world...i was like...what??why dad will think in that way?i know he really feel suffer,lost,don't know what to do,but...he can't take in that way...it's really make us feel feel worry...i don't know how long that dad's needs for fully recover from now,i don't know what will happen on next...i just know that i need to be strong,but then...it's hard...
just now brother said that the best way to makes dad feel better is selling his car and my sunny zai,then we can change to another type of car that wont cost us too much in petrol fees,at first i feel sad because...sunny zai going to leave me soon =( but then,i know i can't be that selfish,i need to put my family at 1st,selling both of the cars is the best way...
sunny zai,thanks for be with me all the time,u bring me to many places,bring alot of memories for me...take care ya~i going to miss you >.<
i really hope everything will be fine as soon as possible,i know mom is the one that worry dad more than us,feel scared more than us,feel lonely than us...i pray that mom can tahan till the end...i pray that my family problem will go away,all the good things are waiting for us to grab it~

but still,i feel lucky,i feel lucky that i have the belief in christian,because no matter how sad i am,god is still be there with me...and god put someone in my life that always be there for me...my friends,my dear friend that always willing to lend me their ears,willing to spend time with me just to share my problem...
and of course,there is someone that really special in my life...
i feel lucky to meet him,everytime i close my eyes,i feel that he was so close with me,and he always make it real for me,he make me feel that he really be there with me although he's far away from me,and i wish someday we really can belong to each other and i can tell eveyone that ...i'm yours...(,")(",)

they don't know how long it takes,waiting for the love like this,
everytime we say goodbye,i wish we had one more kiss,
i'll wait for you,i promise you i will... [lyrics -Lucky-]
dear,i really wish the love like this can become true in someday,i will wait...in faith...
in patient...i promise..i hope i can make it,and won't bring any hurts to u anymore...

不习惯

今晚的聚会超级早散的,而我也没找朋友喝茶,反常的我竟然回家去了...不知为什么感觉就怪怪的,也许是因为他不在吧...
他今晚很早就走了因为他朋友生日,而他今晚没有回家,这种感觉好怪,也许是我自己不习惯吧...因为他不曾在聚会还没开始就离开,也很少听他说去朋友生日会然后没回家...他常是等我的那个,担心我的那一个,因为我每次都出去喝茶还是庆祝生日的...这次轮到我了=( 也许我也习惯了每当回到家他就会陪我的那种感觉吧...所以今晚的我觉得时间过得很慢,也不想回他的信息,因为他在外面而且他说他喝酒了...哎,没事为什么要喝酒阿,不能拒绝喝然后驾车回家吗? 就因为他喝了酒所以没回家...平时的他已经在这个时候睡觉了...而且会不停唠叨我去睡觉...>.<
因为觉得时间过得慢,所以我选了套英文片看,看了两个小时还是觉得时间过得慢,又不想上网...哎...都是他的错 =(

这两天,爸爸时好时坏的,不知道他到底几时会完全康复...换了医生,换了药,第一次吃新药时我和妈都觉得他好像比较好,可是第二天他却变得无精打采的...妈妈不断的向我倾诉,因为她担心又不知道要怎么使爸爸好起来...而我能向谁倾诉呢?他总是叫我别想那么多,他总是说要陪我,结果他还是会睡觉...结果还是我打电话给他多于他打给我...为什么总是我打给他而他不会主动打给我呢...没错,他总是会给我一种很舒服的感觉,因为他不会消极的看待事情,可是...他就是不知道我常希望他会做的是什么...刚才看见他的妈妈和他的前女友交谈,我突然觉得...他的妈妈会喜欢她多过喜欢我吗..?我知道是我想多了...可是看到他的妈妈就是会让我有种压力,不知道要怎样形容...哎....

又到了星期天,以前我很喜欢星期天,可是现在的我却觉得星期天好难过啊...
爸爸的脸色总是在这一天会变得更沉重...因为他会烦要怎样度过这一天,对他来说一整天在家使他觉得烦闷,不知要做什么好...当他不知道要做什么的时候他就会自责...他自责的时候就会使我们觉得无言...因为该说的都说了,就是改变不了他的想法..oh my.....

终于!!到了一点半...我可以睡觉了..哈哈...他...应该在开心着吧...都是不找他了...哎...讨厌这种感觉~~~~~~~~

why-when-how-

i just woke up,actually was awake because of mom n dad's conversation,im sleeping on living room and they are talking at there,still the same,mom keep told dad not to think that much,everything will be find,dad keep said he don't have energy,don't know this don't know that,i was like...i can't take it already,sometimes when he feel better abit,he will said that he must let himself to recover,but then sometimes he keep said that he was tired,can't work,blaming himself this and that...arRrrrrrrrrr~~~~help me!!!!
i really wish i can wash his brain,clear his mind!!i know what i need to do is accompany,talk to him...but then i can't really make it,because when he said don't want to work anymore,makes me feel like,my future...how about my future?if dad is not going to work anymore,i really need to work,work hard and maybe need to stop my studies after diploma,this is the worse thing that will happen if dad really can't recover...i hate this kind of thinking,but i really will be crazy if i keep listen to the same thing while the same time,i can't make any decision....my future,what i really want for myself...what can i do...
everyone ask me not to think that much,dad's is going to be fine,but then when the problem is happen to you,can you still be happy,can you still think and act like normal?i can't...i can't make it...i feel sick to myself everytime when i feel moody,i hate myself can't be that strong enough to face and handle all the problem....
why?why things must happen now??when?when can all of this be over??how?how can this be over??
i really really really tired!!!!i just feel like...im lost,im going to be like dad....

雨过天晴?

朋友都用雨后总会友晴天出现的比喻来安慰我...我感激他们的同时却还是很难受...
爸爸并没有好转,可是他去看医生了,希望会有帮助吧,我不想看见他一直靠药物来控制自己,哎~~
妈妈每天都在为他担心,这些我都看在眼里,可是我并不能做些什么,每天找朋友说回一样的问题,他们都会烦吧...
我选择打羽球,以为可以好好发泄再好好睡一下可是回到家我却因为看见爸爸的样子,心情又变得好无奈...可是却不能让他看见我们做儿女担心的样子因为他会更自责...神啊,你几时会把以前的爸爸给回我...?
那天哥哥又问起我关于读书的事情,他不太支持我出国,我也知道自己的程度...可是...我真的不想到kampar读书...
怎么办~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~我该继续还是放弃...?

雨过真的会天晴吗....?奇迹会出现吗....?
他常说笑笑就没什么了的,可是...为什么我常笑可是还是无法改变现在的问题....>.<

-don't know-

i feel...like wanna fall sick ad...haiz >.<>
working on wednesday n thursday,then today was a FULL of classes day...class from 8 until 6pm but actually i skip 2hours btw it la..then class end around 5.30pm,i rush to jusco just to buy presents for cell group members then ruch to pekeliling,end up...cell group CANCEL..omg...i'm the first that reach there,and saw someone is like stealing other people car,scared me =( then when i know cell group cancel,i drive my car out of there...pekeliling was DANGEROUS~~~haiz....dinner with part of cell group members...then yamcha with daipat gang...until around 11.30 something,then reach home,bath n eat again because feel moody when i reach home...saw mom n bro are talking,they dun bother me,then i also dunwan talk with them,just straight away take my bath and bring my food into my room and online...haiz...tonite dun feel like wanna chat with frens when i reach home and heard what mom and bro talking =(

haiz...he was keep waiting me to be home although he feel tired,but when i reach home,my mood come again,so we also din chat more,i din really let him know about my feel but i just told him what happen then ask him to sleep,he also din talk much because he was sleepy and tired ad..haiz...i also dunno what i want =( not angry him but...haiz...HAIZ...I DUNNO WHAT I WANT TO DO NOW ~~~~~~~~

stupid replacement class at tomorrow 9-11 AM!!!!ishk~~~~i HATE it...somemore is LAW's tutorial...where got people go back for class at saturday morning...haiz...sienz!!!hate!!!ARrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRR!!!
should i sleep now?i really dunno...I DUNNO AR!!!sleep sleep sleep!!he always sleep before me!!how come??why??why i cannot sleep that early?!!m i weird?!!I DUNNO~~dunno~~this is what i always like to say when im in bad mood =(

流不停的眼泪...

今天的心情原本是很开心,一直到下午,就开始不爽起来了,因为收到信息,说我没有把某些事情做好,我真的觉得不太高兴为什么总是不能把事情做好,总是要被她讲...哎~~~~

回到家,看见爸爸没怎么样,我就去吃饭,妈妈就问我明天做工的东西,我说我做到七点所以不用去朋友家过夜了,她就一重复的叫我如果没有必要就不用去朋友家,我当然知道啊,结果我的语气就大了点的回她说不要以为我每次都喜欢到别人家过夜,我真的没有想到自己的语气带来的后果是那么严重 ,妈妈在客厅一边骂,我就在饭厅一边吃,她不断的把问题说大,可是我知道她哭了,她一直在忍...而我也吃不下饭了,就一直在忍着不让眼泪掉下,可是我控制不了,结果就哭了,爸爸走进来要吃饭可是看见我哭,他第一次拍我的肩膀安慰我,我更难受...结果把饭倒掉洗了碗碟就进房间了...进了房间,我就一直一直的在哭,哭得好难受,我难受并不是我生气妈妈,而是生气自己把他们弄得那么难过.....一直不断的在哭,好辛苦因为无法停止,第一次哭得那么辛苦因为很难呼吸而且真的是哭到没力了...结果爸爸突然进来,看见我还在哭,他也忍不住哭了,他说如果不是因为他,妈妈就不会担心,因为他认为妈妈是因为他的问题而感到烦然后就向我发泄...第一次爸爸在我面前哭了,我告诉他这不关他事而是我不听话才会这样的...结果他走出房间了,我哭得更久,因为我内疚,难受...我令到自己的父母哭了...我真的不想的...我没有想过事情会变得这样...
好想找人陪可是哭成这样连讲话都难,幸亏有镇豪在网上听我诉苦,好点了...可是眼泪还是一直不断的滑落...
刚刚冲凉了以为不会再哭,可是还是控制不到自己的眼泪...明天四点半就要起身准备去做工...我再不停止哭泣我就不用见人了 >.< 再过一下子就要睡觉了...

他...刚刚发了个简讯给我,因为今晚其实是应该去教会的,我没去了...而他现在在教会,他说他很累...我就在想要不要告诉他,结果还是忍不住告诉他了,但是我没接他的电话,因为又哭了起来,不想让他听见我这把声音因为他还要练习了才可以回家,不想他分心...只希望他回到家好好休息,他妈妈不会因为我们出去的事而怪他...虽然我真的很想他出现在我身旁,很想告诉他我有多难受,告诉他我真的很需要他...可是我知道就算他在,他也无能为力...

我的心灵上...身体上...都很累..很累...我快撑不下去了,我真的觉得有病的人会是我了...>.< 我快崩溃了=(

-谢谢你-

今天是很特别的一天...好久没这么开心了...今天 3/11/08, 我和他出去约会~哈哈..
今天因为我们都早上完课所以有时间一起出去,他第一次从他的学校来到我学校载我出去,说真的,我真的很开心,因为他愿意来载我 =) 我们先是去cineleisure,the curve,ikea 再去one U看戏 =) 虽然没有逛很多间店,可是就已经感到开心,可以和他一起看东西,买东西...他...真的变了很多,变得贴心多了...我真的觉得自己被他打动了...
他总是在我生气的时候对着我笑,真的不知该哭还是笑~因为他总是没有脾气似的,笑笑的带过一切的不开心...
虽然我们不是男女朋友,很多人也很好奇为什么我们不开始,可是一切的原因唯有我们自己最清楚知道,而且现在这样的关系对我来说还可以接受吧...一切就等上帝的安排吧~
我感觉到他真的很开心,虽然我们之间只是走走街,什么事都没发生,可是就是很开心因为很难得才有这么一天=)
可是...在回家的路途上,我不断的替他担心,也在想我们之间的东西...
因为对我来说,我害怕的是他妈妈,我总觉得他妈妈不太喜欢我,也许我真的多心吧...可是,那种被对方家人反对的感觉我真的感到好害怕,上一段感情的结束也是因为家人,我真的不希望这段还未开始的感情就不被祝福..
虽然他一直不断的告诉我不要怕,他会解决一切的问题,可是...我内心还是会忐忑不安 >.<

好累啊~回到家,又听见妈妈说爸爸的问题,爸爸看起来真的没有好转反而一天比一天差,看见妈妈诉说时的样子就可以感觉到她也是在担心,看见她的眼眶好像有泪光,我真的觉得心痛...啊~~~~~~~~~~~~~
到底爸爸几时才能康复?他以往的笑容已逐渐消失了,他那洪亮的声音也少了...
妈妈的叹气程度加增...而我...我也不知道该如何面对所有的问题...

assignment 又要开始忙了,多两天又要做工,教会也有东西等着我完成...
回到家真的希望可以开心点,可是...问题的存在真的让我好无奈~~~~

show me the way

today was a 'special' day..morning went for badminton with classmates,sweat alot,but still feel want to play again,because it can make me feel better...i can just play non stop without thinking anything...
after badminton,go for class,i though i will fall asleep in class but then i still can tahan =P after class,find hsia,i though just stay at her house for awhile,who knows we start chating at there,talk about our family problems..haiz...different family have the story behind...after that,i went to find misua,i feel like going to visit my friend one by one,haha..stay at her place chat for awhile,first time heard from misua's problem is because of BF,haha..hope she can handle the problem la...

recently,sunny day really can kill me,omg~~hot like hell!!!!when i switch on aircond,i will feel pity for mom,because the aircond in her room having problem,can't be use now...haiz..when look at dad,i feel
heart pain',he said hot,but the aircond cannot be use,then he keep sitting on the sofa there and keep fallasleep ans awake,sleep and awake...because he take the medicine again,the sleeping pill...mom keep ask him to stop taking the pill..but he still take it...after he take the medicine,he will become super sleepy and blur,but then he still don't want go to the room and sleep on bed =( why..why....dad will become like that...as a daughter,i really feel bad...nothing is impotant than dad's healthy...

i feel super stress,i don't like the lonely feel,every night the one who accompany most of the time is my computer,msn,blogging...i can't share my mood,problem with a person that are really willing to be with me...i can't take it anymore...i'm tired...i feel sick with myself,always not in mood,because i can't really be happy as usual...the problem keep appear in my mind...
he also have his own problem,i can't always disturb him...although i hope can share with him,but sometimes,he makes me feel like,he don't know how to give me advise or opinion,he just listen and listen to me only...but what i want actually is not only that...but still...i can't blame him...haiz...

what i want????what can i do????arrrrrrrRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!
please...show me the way~~i going to be crazy.....

what a day....

best friend in my life - sze yee

a part of the gang =P

hsia~my best friend

just now celcebrate da xiang birthday at cheras...quite happy although those food not that nice...
but still..had a great time with those crazy gang...spending time with them never feel bored =)
feel *lucky* to meet them,feel *happy* to be with them =)

yeah,reach home before 12,not bad ma...still early,and wont get scold oso..haha..
the most important is...someone din sleep early tonight,so i still manage to call n share my day with him=)
keep talking,although i guess...he ad feel sleepy or tired..haha..but i really wanna to share with him,because before going out to celebrate da xiang birthday,me and my brothers was having a...meeting..about our family problem...it's make me feel unhappy actually,spoil my mood...but then end up,we still find some solution,so...hope it is a good start for our family...
after share with him,makes me feel better oso,although the ph bil will be super gao...but...ad call,cant erase the caller record also wat..so...just wait the bil and pay it lor...haha

wow,tomorrow is 8am class,n the time for now is already 1am,he sleep like pig...but i don't feel wanna sleep at all,although i'm tired ad...
when i close my eyes,i will think about my brothers..just now,brother almost cry,this is the first time i saw brother like that,he really feel sad,i can feel it...so do i,but...i tell myself that i cant cry in front of them..i don't want to cry in front of them...i just hope all the problem will have a happy ending and we will together find the best way to settle it...

this is the guy ~jian hua =)
-you are more than enough for me-
although i know this is not the time that both of us start the relationship,
but we will wait together till that day we really can hold each other hand and walk in the love of Jesus =)

沉默

一路上回来都得不想讲话,连收音机也不想听...整个人突然觉得很烦乱...只想保持沉默...
刚到家..看到爸爸还没睡,我的心担心的同时就觉得很烦...他不睡觉就是因为他想东西想到睡不着,想东西就是想钱,他想钱就让我觉得很烦因为一直都无能为力...结果我一句话都没说,吃了妈妈特地留给我的粥就上楼了...
进到房,就坐在电脑前等他信息,以为要打电话给他向他发泄一下可是他一个信息来就打消我这个念头了...
他说很累很累了,我直接回他叫他睡觉之类的,还以为他会发现到我有话想讲还是什么的,可是...他再次没察觉...
能怪他吗?不能...因为是自己的情绪化的问题,因为他不是我男朋友,因为他根本就没必要受我的气!!!
arRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr~~~

原因是...我在一些事上没处理好,所以就被人点来点去...为什么有问题的时候,他们都觉得他们都没错,然后就会叫我怎样去帮他们解决???为什么我没资格直接告诉他们那是他们的错,为什么我不可以有反驳的机会??因为我没资格...
可是我也是人啊...我做的事情好想都不曾被肯定,他们总是在需要我的时候就叫我该这样那样做,当我把事情做好了,出了问题后就来叫我该怎样的去帮他们解决...
那我的感受呢?有人想过我的感受吗?也许我真的要学习如何拒绝别人吧,那我就不会那么难受...

当那种感受一直不断的出现在我心里时,真的好难受...回到家又有另一种感受,真是让我觉得透不过气来...
而当我以为他会发觉到我的需要时,原来他并没发觉...是非常失望又难受~
难道是我要求高?为什么总是要把事情说得明他才会知道我要的是什么...
也许这就应征了为什么我们还不是情侣,原因其实很简单,那就是我们根本不了解对方..我总是对他又要求,总是希望从他身上得到些我意想不到的东西,但是事情从不是我想象般那样...
难道真的是我的问题...?haiz...haiz...haiz...无奈~~烦~~乱~~

终于觉得累了...是时候睡觉吧,睡醒就会好受点了...

-tired-

just now went to cell group,was in bad mood actually,but after sharing,i feel better ad...
i know how to face the problem...but then...cant share with him,coz...he was super tired ad...
haiz...normally,wont post 2nd blog in 1 day,but then...no one can let me express my feeling now...
the best way is...blog at here...
back from just now before cell group,i really feel down,moody...and though want to find elaine n mun ee to yamcha after that,but...during cell group,i found the way to face my problem,makes me feel better and want to go home early and rest...i reach home super early,bath,eat,drink,watch dvd...wait...and wait...fall asleep...awake..and..though want to share with him on phone,but then...he was too tired ad =(
my eyes feel like cant really open ad,but still want to blog before sleep..

this is what i get in cell group,i do feel better after get this bible verses,and the same thing go to you,just want to let you know,no matter what happen around you,just let it to God,because God always listen to our prayer and will show us the way...

mark 4:35-41
That day when evening came,he said to his disciples,"let us go over to the other side".leaving the crowd behind,they took him along,just as he was,in the boat.there were also other boats with him.a furious squall came up,and the waves broke over the boat,so that it was nearly swamped.Jesus was in the stern,sleeping on a cushion.the deciples woke him and said to him," teacher,don't you care if we drown?"
He got up,rebuked the wind and said to the waves,"quiet!be still!"then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
He said to his diciples,"why are you so afraid?do you still have no faith?"
They were terrified and asked each other,"who is this?even the wind and waves obey him!"

the reason i hope can be with you also because you always makes me back to God words...thanks....

为什么

为什么...为什么家里总是会有问题... =( 现在的心情真的很乱,等下还要去小组,我该怎么解决我的心情... =(
妈妈刚刚告诉我,爸爸最近都睡不着,她怕爸爸的忧郁症会再回来,我听了后突然傻了,都不知道要怎样反应...
妈妈说爸爸一直在自责,一直在想如果当初他没辞职,现在的他就不会有金钱上的问题...
我没有勇气去告诉爸爸别担心,别想那么多...我不知该怎么做...我不断的在想,我该做什么工,同时可以上课也不用放弃教会..
除了做工,我想不到更好的办法来解决现在的问题,我好久没跟妈妈拿钱,爸爸给的零用钱只够我换网费及电话钱...
我的户口要不是是表姨给我的钱,我是根本没办法生存到现在...打油及生活费都是自己在付...我该如何为此下去...
去到学校就想起妈妈说的一切关于读书的决定...回到家就想到家里的问题...
神啊...你可以把从前的快乐带回我家吗...可以让爸爸每晚安心的入睡吗...可以让妈妈不要再操心吗...

最后一次掉眼泪是因为想起不开心的过去...可是这一次的眼泪却是因为自己无能为力...我没办法帮家人解决问题...
aRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr~~~~
h-e-l-p- m-e~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hard to decide

we always need to made a decision,what we going to eat?what we goin to wear?and what should we do...too many decision that we need to think about it...

recently,my family financial problem seems like having problem again...
mom told me that dad ask me to think about weather going to kampar take degree or stop study after diploma.i was like...what?kampar??impossible..i rather stop study than going to study at kampar,a place that i dislike...but the reason dad ask me to made that decision is because he can't afford to pay me for taking advance and oversea,but if i really choose to take advance,i have to take oversea,so that i can get the certificate of degree.going to study oversea,will cost me alot...the only way is get the loan but then dad worry that my spendses at there,and he said my english is not that good,i may not communicate with people over there...again,money,language and result...
if my result can be as well as bro,i might get a scholarship at college,dad no need to worry about me too...dad is getting older,so do mom...i dunno what can i do to make things get better...
i cant always take part time job,it will influence my study,and church...if i really work,i cant go church that often..is hard for me to decide...
why?why everytime i need to made a decision that i hate to think about it...
i'm tired...tired with everything that i need to face,tired with everything that i heard from people...i hope i can solve all the problem,but i know i cant make it...
everyday when dad back from work,his face expression can show that he was unhappy,he don't have money anymore...and the next day,mom will tell me all about dad's problem...and i just listen and listen,then i go for class with all the problem that mom told me..i feel bad,but then when i reach college,there is no one that can really share with me,some of that also having their own problem,some of that don't have that mood to talk about this kind of things...
me,myself...also don't know who can i find to share with me...the time when i feel want to share with my best friend,she looks like argue with bf or dating with bf...or busy with her own thing..haiz...well,that is my problem,can't blame anyone...
are you willing to borrow me your shoulder?can i rest in your arm?can i share with you?
sometimes,i don't want to talk about my problem is because i know there is no one can help me,so i choose to be silent,but...it's make me feel tired...i feel want to shout to the sea...shout as loud as i can..
ARRrrrrrrRRRRrrrrrr~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

as a best friend,when i'm sharing the happiness,my result which is all pass with her,but she din show me that she also feel happy with me when i get the all pass result,she keep complain to me that she get the result that out of her expected...haiz...sad sad sad...
now my best friend is getting busy and busy,i don't know how to talk more with her...
well,the fact is i need to accept everything,no matter what happen,she still my best friend,no one can replace her as my best friend in my heart =)
nvm,is ok,coz i still got Jesus that always listen to me,the moment i get my result,i feel thankful because god really bless me with the result =)

talk about him...erm,he looks like having problem with friends,but he din tell me what happen yet,i just hope that the problem is not from the girl that likes him...hope they can keep the friendship as well as they can...wow,my eyes was tired,but i cant fall as sleep...feel...like...sleepy but then when i close my eyes,everything comes out in the same time...haiz~~~~
later still need to lead prayer at church,dear load,please give me the power...

Dear Lord,i really pray that the problem in my family can be solve,i pray that mom and dad will always be happy and healthy,they are getting older,please bless them with a healthy body..i pray that you will show me the way about my studies...i really don't know how to made decision..
in jesus name i pray,Amen...

决定

外面在下雨...我的心情虽然没有不开心,但就是无奈 =(

昨晚,他看了我的blog,我选择让他看是因为我不想对他又任何隐瞒..他看了后当然会不开心,而我也怕他会因此不再理我..
结果他还是给了个信息我,我不知道该说什么,就是不断道歉...他希望我不会再伤害他,我告诉他我不会...
可是想了又想,我再次答应他不再伤害他可是如果有一天我又再伤害他呢?如果有一天受伤害的是我呢?我是不该答应他吗?
晚上哥哥回来了,我跟他分享那天我去参加他的concert,还有见他的朋友,哥哥一直在笑我,他说为什么一个好的男子出现在我眼前而我还不珍惜,他问我为什么不选择和他一起,我告诉他,我们还不能在一起,我说我真的会珍惜他,可是问题是,他总是要我把事情说得很明,他才知道原来我要的是什么,原来他该做的是什么...那在一些时候我想要的惊喜也没错阿....哎~~
但是哥哥又说,人是没有完美的所以我要接受他的一切,再慢慢的了解他,改变他...想了一下,哥哥说得也没错阿...
哥哥说我自己也很矛盾但是他却一直说这个男子听起来还蛮不错,叫我不别乱想,叫我做个决定...
决定?我很害怕做决定...结果昨晚我睡不着,我一直在想...结果我告诉自己要坚定自己的想法,所以做了个决定...
我选择等待...我知道等待真的是件不容易的事,可是既然他可以,我也可以啊...好吧,决定了,不再乱想了...

决定是做了...我很想拿起电话找他,可是他在学校,我想还是不要打扰他吧,但就是很想发个信息给他,问下他在做什么,其实发个信息并不难,我只怕他觉得我烦,毕竟我不是他女友...而且他也不曾在上课时发信息给我,不过...如果一个人是喜欢我,他不是该关心我的吗?就好像...下大雨时会叫我小心驾车还有之类的...我好希望他会经常提醒我的,让我觉得他是在乎我,可是...也许我上害过他吧,他已经害怕他所做的一切是会被我拒绝...哎~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
我总是这样的,别人对我好时,我就拒绝,当他已不再像以前那样对我时,我又埋怨 >.<

雨停了...不知他在哪里呢...现在的心情是.......肚子饿了~~~吃饭吧!!!呵呵..现在只有饭能满足我 =)

haizzzzz

为什么每当我想要做的新的开始时问题就会发生呢?
刚在他告诉我说原来那天带我与他朋友见面时,他的朋友当中真的是另一个女子是喜欢他的,而其实当晚我已察觉到了,那个女子一整晚都不曾跟我说话也不曾多看我一眼就一副不开心的样子,起初我还以为她不舒服原来她是因为我的出现而不开心.
我也不知该给什么反应,只是心里就有种担心,不舒服的感觉,可是我也不能做什么啊,我不知道那个女子是否比我好,但她
的才华已经比我好了...样子也比我年轻吧,因为...我竟然被他朋友说我很成熟到好像比他大!!OMG!!我超难受的...
可是也是时候去换个发型了,希望会年轻点吧...呵呵!!
虽然他不断的告诉我他喜欢的是我,叫我别乱想,可是我还是忐忑不安的...我知道我们还不是情侣,我没资格阻止他做的选择..
可是想了又想,如果他有一天真的喜欢上她我也没资格生气他啊,毕竟自己曾经也这样伤害过他...
哎..还是睡觉好点吧,明天要到尊孔去做我的第一次教导,虽然没钱,但却好期待...人生中的第一次..我来啦~~~哈哈!!


我告诉自己不能再伤害你,我一定做得到的!!!!
i say it,and i mean it =)

新的开始

最近的我好像变了,变得好像完全不爱你了,也许是因为另一个他的出现吧,他对我的好真的让我不想伤害他...
他一直都在等我,不管我伤害了他,他还是在等,在不断的改变自己好让他能够达到我的要求,我承认我真的又被他感动..
那天,他再次的问我是否能够作他女朋友,我没答应他因为我还没完全的把你忘掉,我不能允许自己在伤害他...
他告诉我,他会再继续等,其中一个原因当然还是因为他家人及教会的人一定不会赞成我们在这个时候在一起,另一个原因是他要等我把你忘掉了才正式追求我...
如果我现在答应他,也就是在给彼此承诺,将来有一天我们一定会和对方在一起,其实我还蛮害怕答应他,因为我知道我的心很容易动摇,我不想同样的事情再发生而我又伤害了他...我只祷告,若他真的是适合我的,就让我们在适当的时候开始吧...

他并不比任何人差,他长得不错,也有才华,唯独是身材不够好吧,呵呵...
他的可爱总是让我觉得好窝心,他的表达能力真的让我又哭有笑,他总是在等我,等我回家,等我回复他的信息...
以前我总觉得他烦,可是当我经历了一些事后,我却觉得他的烦其实并不烦,而是他是出至于真心的对我...
曾经我们真的很喜欢对方,可是又是因为我的缘故,我放弃了他,我告诉他我不想等了,因为等待的过程好痛苦,面对着自己喜欢的人却不能在一起,我好难受,可是他一次又一次的让我看见他真的是在等我...我真的觉得内疚又感动...
那天,他邀请我到他学校观赏他的演出,我挣扎了很久结果我答应了...我挣扎是因为我怕,因为他说要把朋友介绍给我认识,他的朋友当中都知道了他喜欢我的事结果每个都叫他把我带去,结果就搞到好像他带女朋友去一样...幸亏他的朋友比我想象中好,友善,结果就这样和他朋友一起渡过了一个晚上.那晚也是他送我回家,好久好久没被他送回家了,那晚我也莫名其妙的开心起来,也许这样的开始也没什么不好的吧...

贝儿啊贝儿,珍惜眼前的一切吧,是时候完完全全的把你放下了!当然还是需要时间,需要时间把自己处理好吧 =)

confuse

when people mention about you,i really dunno what should i feel...
i dunno how to face it,i dunno how to accept that u really really not belong to me anymore...
honestly,i still waiting that someday u wil come back to me,i know this kind of thinking is super silly...
but i really cant control myself,i do love u,but u was hurting me...and i still dunno how to let you go...
everytime when i pass by some place that we use to went there before,every word that you told me before,every friend that you meet before,i really really miss you...really miss you...
but the truth is you r not belong to me anymore...but please allow me to being that silly...i just hope to get the chance to be ur friend again,i know you dunwan to give me that chance,you wan me to forget aboout you,but i really feel hard to make it...i though i can fall in love to another guy,but i keep think about you...i...miss...you...
sometimes i really feel angry about you because what you told me before is just a lie...
u said that i still can sms you,find you as usual,but then...u never give me that chance to do so...
why?why?why you want to hurt me in that way?do you know i really get hurt...
2 weeks relationship really means nothing to you,but it was so meaningful to me...
i will never never forget the moment that we spend together,no one can replace you for now...people ask me why i love you that much?you are not good enough,not handsome,not really a good guy,but for me,you are good enough,you are a sweet guy...i love you,and i never feel regret...
but i really feel bad everytime when i think about you,i dunno who should i find to express my feeling,because no one want to listen about you anymore,i know they want me to forget about you that's why they dun wan to let me talk more about you...but what i need is...a pair of ears,a shoulder that let me cry on it...
i really feel bad everytime when i see friends around me are busy to think about how to celebrate their annivesary or birthday,it makes me think about you,and i cant speak it out...
i hate myself because i'm not strong enough,i hate myself to being that silly...
i even hate myself why i cant be that well as her...if i'm not that bad,maybe you will stil be with me...
if i'm not a christian,will you still choose to be with me?do you really choose to let me go just because i am a christian?do you really like me?do you really care about me?i hope the answer is yes...
everyday,every moment,i hope that i can meet you at somewhere else,but i never meet you...
i hope that i can see you in my dream,but it never happen...
i hope i can received a msg that is from you,but you never msg me...
i hope i can say hi to you and have more talk with you,but you just give me that chance to say hi...
i hope i can delete all the msg that you send me,delete all the memories that you gave me,but i cant...
i feel tired...really tired...can you feel me?will you...?

特别的一天

昨晚真的是特别的一天，家里庆祝中秋节虽然并不比以往热闹可是小孩开心的心情依然没变..
今年特别是因为另一班朋友来我家一起玩...大家在一起聊天的感觉还蛮不错的嘛 =)
过后这班可爱又吵闹的朋友也在我家过夜，不禁又让我想起了...
那晚，他也和朋友在我家因温习功课而在我家过夜，虽然当时他的身份已不是男友的身份了可是那是他第一次在我家...
也是最后一次在我家...那种只能看着他可是距离已经好遥远的感觉真的很难受...
昨晚朋友们在我家，当然我们是开心的聊天，心情和那晚是不一样的...可是你的影子真的一直出现在我脑里...
在此刻的我突然觉得那个我原以为可以取代你的男生也还真的蛮不适合我的...哎，感情真的是不能勉强的...
也许现在的我真的先该把自己处理好吧...
此刻我的心情又变得混乱起来了 =(

我回来了...

刚看了朋友的部落格，突然看回自己的部落格...写着关于你的东西...
如今的你过得真的很开心似的，而我...？
我开心吗？我还爱你吗？我承认我不爱你了因为爱你让我觉得好累，好痛也好难过...
但是却无可否认你在我心中的位置是还存在着...
总觉得当我提起你的时候，朋友似乎不想多说了，我不怪他们...
只怪自己还不愿把你忘掉，我问自己到底我有多爱你？到底我在等什么？到底我要什么？就连自己也觉得自己好烦了...
另方面的我，好像在让另一个人取代你的位置但是我觉得自己这样做是不对的，可是唯有这样我才觉得好过点...
但是在还未把你彻彻底底的忘掉前，我是不会允许自己喜欢上另一个人，因为那种害怕再受伤害的感觉真的好可怕...
不知道会不会再受伤害，不知道他会否会比你更好，不知道是否是自己要的那个人......
真的是矛盾阿...

眼睁睁看着朋友庆祝周年纪念日，我真的很难掩饰自己的难过，我总在想，如果我们还在一起，我也能像他们一样的开心，像他们一样在想要怎样庆祝，要怎样有个难忘的周年纪念日...我连与你庆祝一个月的机会都没有就失去你了...
如今的你已经拥有和她的纪念日，如今的你有她陪你渡过每个节日的...我真的能放开胸怀祝福你们吗...？

看见朋友在追求自己的幸福，我真的好怀念当初渴望恋爱及恋爱后的感觉...是多么开心，多么甜蜜...
朋友，加油吧！不管结果是如何，只希望你不后悔，只希望你真的能找到幸福！！！

confuse...

刚刚和一个朋友喝茶，喝完茶了的我感觉更不好受..因为又多一个人告诉我说你根本是在找借口来跟我分手...
我的心好不容易定了下来，可是就是一直听见旁人说的一切，我深的不知该怎么相信自己的感觉了...
你真的是在找借口吗?你真的是有自己的难处吗？我该怎么办啊...我真的越来越乱了.
我真的不知道我该怎么去面对我的前途...我不知道该怎么去接受眼前的事实及朋友所说的话..
虽然你曾亲口告诉过我你的感受，你的决定，可是太多太多的人告诉我你所讲的根本是借口，你根本没争取过..是真的吗？
我很痛苦啊~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~