just my thought...

in this new year..
i was actually telling myself that i'm going to forget everything..
everything that happened before this,
i did feel bad all the time when all these appear in my mind...
but still this is new year,
of course i want everything begins with new...
but this month i feel tension,feel bad when thinking about something..
think about exams,
i feel so so so stress because of the resit paper,
it's statistic....this is so omg paper for me...
i keep telling myself that i can do it,
because i spend my time to attend class,and i did do those questions..
i actually feel better after praying before start the revision..
i really don't want to fail it again...
i must pass it and go UK ....
i want a better future with better certificate so that i can give my parents a better life..
just today my dad is in operation because of his heart blockage,bypass operation,
he is consider serious condition so it is a must to do the operation..
i decided to visit him before he went it the wad..
it has been some time that i didn't really look at him more than 5 minutes..
today,i really can see that he is getting older..
i know he actually feel scare with the operation,
i saw his hands shaking before enter the operation room,
he feel cold also worry...
but what i can do it ask him to stay calm and we will see him later..
i know he will be fine...
but suddenly i feel like my heart is crying,
this is first time i saw dad in this condition...
also is first time i feel like the tears didn't drop,
but it's just like tearing in my heart...
i know i didn't treat him well before this...
i just hope he will be fine after this operation..
its takes time for me to forgive you...
i just want to say sorry....

i just feel like being alone for sometime..
not even spend time with the love one,
because i just prefer this way....
if this make you feel uncomfortable,
i don't know what to say...
when things around are putting me in a crazy temple,
i really feel like being alone...
the last month in 2010,is a tiring month,
crazy busy month....
i just feel like talk to someone...
but i just feel like there is no one...
no one can really understand the whole thing...
so just better to stay alone...
sorry for being weird for whatever is it..
somehow..i really prefer this...
when i say or do something,
definitely i have my own reason..
i just want to have my own decision...
but i don't know since when my decision seems like not my decision...lol
i just hope this new year i can have
my own thought,own decision,own way...
this is me...bei er....

happy blessed new year~